Crazy Eyes

By RaVen Blackehart

Clearwater, Florida Too many times when a woman gets an order of protection against a boyfriend or spouse, they are not worth the paper they are printed on. Such is the case of Laura Taft on February 17th of this year.

Denise Rutledge Was Looking For Love In All The Wrong Places

By ThinkGoat

Flagler Beach, Florida Our Nation has suffered through an unusual winter – the cold air reaching the most sacred of the winter get-aways such as Florida. Being shut in takes its toll on some people. I know it does me. I start obsessing over strange things like the ultra thin boogers that have decided to take permanent residence in my nose as I sleep. Over the past few days of blowing them out, I’m thinking I could construct a model of the inside of each nostril. It’s quite amazing how huge those cavities really are. Speaking of cavities and strange effects the winter has on people, let’s talk about Denise Rutledge.

I Think The Party’s Been Canceled at Diana Dickson’s Place

By ThinkGoat

Byron, Georgia I don’t know why employees would question the veracity of this woman. Just look at her. Her soft features…her nice clothes…her sculpted hair. She just screams good breeding and high maintenance. I find it shocking that, when she walked into America’s Cash Express wanting to cash the check for $105,300, they were suspicious. I mean, really, when you’re used to that kind of money being pocket change, who’d inconvenience themselves by actually going to the bank to cash it. Hell, head down to the corner where you can get your cash, your stash, and a 40 for the road.

Jennifer Daugherty Was Savagely Tortured to Death by Six

By ThinkGoat

Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania There’s a reason I avoid reading some stories in the news. As much as I believe in exposing perpetrators who abuse, rape, and kill children, I find it almost impossible to write them up. I tend to get a little attached, especially when they include a picture of the child. I honestly cannot wrap my brain around it. (It’s not saying I can wrap my brain around someone screwing an animal, a corpse, or stuff like that but it’s so bizarre it makes it entertaining to research in such a sick way) But killing a child, an elderly person, or someone who’s mentally equal to a child through torture and abuse, well, I just get really sick…and pissed. And unfortunately the damn eye doctor fixed me up with the ability to see again and my damn eyes fucked me over. They scanned the following story until I reached the rage stage and now I can’t get it out of my head. Allow me to introduce 30-year-old Jennifer Daugherty, a loving, trusting mentally challenged woman who bumped up against the wrong crowd.

Leonard Salcido Knows How To Throw Off The Scent

By ThinkGoat

Tuscon, Arizona I’ve always wondered about the stigma attached to the those who’ve gotten busted for drugs…wondered how they’re viewed by their buddies. Is pitty taken upon these idiots: “Oh dude, you got busted? Dude, that sucks.” Or is it more of, “Dude, did you talk?” Are they shunned for their remaining free time – now an outcast to the outcasts? It may work both ways for a lot of these asses who decide to run drugs but for this poor bastard, I can pretty well guarantee his bust will be viewed as one well deserved. For those of us opposed to running drugs, we’ll chalk it up to another one of society’s finest off the street. To any stoner on the planet, they’ll view this guy as someone who not only got busted but who tried to smuggle almost a quarter of a million dollars worth of the shit – in shit.

Michael Knuth May Be Off The Meat Market

By ThinkGoat

Lincoln, Illinois Feast your eyes upon this fine male specimen. He was mighty sexy prior to the eye tattoos that are such the rage now with the wild children, but with them, that dark-eyed look really gives me a warm fuzzy feeling. Imagine being his girlfriend. Come on, you can do it. Stop gagging long enough to think about all you’d have to look at while sitting opposite of him. Those artful tattoos. Such imagination. The sword through the nose, the white-boy’s grill catching the light just right…dazzling. Scoff nay-sayers, he found himself a woman who managed to get past the heaves and if the damn authorities would keep their noses out of this awesome couple’s business, they’d be married by now.

Charles Meaux Demonstrates The Proper Technique For Burping The Worm. Commuters Complain

By ThinkGoat

Santa Ana, California Pessimists can say I’m well over a month late in singing Christmas carols – optimists will declare I’m extremely early. Either way, I’m unaffected as I sit her singing the cute little ditty over and over in my head. “Up on the rooftop, click, click, click. Climbing down the ladder with my yanked dick.” Sure puts you in a festive mood, doesn’t it? Kind of like the mood motorists were in the other day as they traveled down Santa Ana’s 5 freeway as their attention was called to a naked man beating his own best friend.

Robert T. Jenkins Pisses Off Wal-Mart

Canton, Ohio

By: Lazlo

So here is a quick story about a poor bastard that I can totally relate to. For those of you that know nothing about me, I used to have the tag of being a bit of a partier. I have tipped the occasional brew, and there have been times – and I know it comes a shock – that I may have tipped one or two too many. I have done some less-than-reputable things while intoxicated, much to my chagrin. My roommate awakened me once from a drunken stupor as I was about to defecate on a coffee table. Another friend of mine awoke to find this dude named Carter pissing in the wastebasket in his room. (Carter disavowed all knowledge of that event.) I have even been accused – unfairly and with malice – of urinating in a tent. (It was this guy named Levi that did that. That’s my story.)

The point to this rambling is that when people drink to excess, their capacity for place recognition diminishes slightly, and they find themselves doing inappropriate things that tend to upset the more sober-minded among us. Usually there is just embarrassment, or perhaps the requirement to find a new buddies house at which to crash. Robert T. Jenkins had the bad luck to mistake the meat counter at the local Wal-Mart for public facilities, and was, of course, busted.

Incompetence or Willful Negligence? The Steven Watkins Murder

By Thinkgoat

Ashland, Illinois Although the trial of Shirley Skinner has been postponed a while, accusations are amping up to a fevered pitch. I’ve never been a fan of using one crime as a platform for political advancement or deterrent, but the residents of Cass County better start asking some tough questions and demanding some form of accountability from those who are sworn to protect and serve. While nothing can bring Steven Watkins back to his family, perhaps justice for him will encompass vast changes in department procedure and oversight. Or perhaps the residents of that small county can continue supporting yahoos who appear to not know their ass from a hole in the ground.

Corey Conaway May Work in Prison as a Fry Chef

By ThinkGoat

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania I don’t know who hasn’t chuckled at the old-time shows and cartoons where the wife takes a frying pan to her husband’s head. I am not sure that the younger generation has been exposed to the hilarity because, for some damn reason, that act alone became frowned upon as it was deemed abuse. Pffft. There’s nothing that says, “I’m sick of your shit” than a skillet-melon meeting. And as I type this out, my smile is quickly wiped off my face as the subject comes back into focus. When I was younger, the image ended with the recipient reaching up to their head rubbing it with a sorry look on their face. Not once did it end with a broken skillet resulted by smashing someone’s head completely in. Damn teenagers these days have no sense of proportion.