By ThinkGoat

Lincoln, Illinois Feast your eyes upon this fine male specimen. He was mighty sexy prior to the eye tattoos that are such the rage now with the wild children, but with them, that dark-eyed look really gives me a warm fuzzy feeling. Imagine being his girlfriend. Come on, you can do it. Stop gagging long enough to think about all you’d have to look at while sitting opposite of him. Those artful tattoos. Such imagination. The sword through the nose, the white-boy’s grill catching the light just right…dazzling. Scoff nay-sayers, he found himself a woman who managed to get past the heaves and if the damn authorities would keep their noses out of this awesome couple’s business, they’d be married by now.

Michael Knuth (32) is cooling his cute jets in the Logan County Jail after an incident that happened back in July when he allegedly robbed someone and started an altercation in some front yard. Wanting to steer his handsomeness away from the jealous eyes of innocence, the victim of the robbery agreed to drive Michael where he needed to go. I think it’s safe to say hell was a little out of reach. But nonetheless, far away from the victim’s family was the aim of this courageous man. Instructing his neighbor to phone the police, it wasn’t long before the truck was intercepted and the real fun began.

Michael allegedly pulled out his gun and pointed it at the police which pretty much prompted rapid fire from the men in blue. HELL YES. There’d be no hesitation from me if some freak looking like that pulled a gun on my ass. If he had no problem doing THAT to his own face, hard telling what that crazy fucker would do with a gun. So the cops shot him. Nine times. Just like in the old horror movies. You just can’t kill evil that easily and sadly to say, Michael managed to pull through just fine, not suffering any life-threatening injuries. Those cops are either really good aims or they suck. Had they shot him dead, I wouldn’t have much of a story. And as with all featured on Crime Crawlers, this story does get better.

Michael is in the news once again. He wants to marry his longtime girlfriend but the Logan County authorities have delayed that action until his mental status can be evaluated. Tricky ground is being tread upon here. I know MANY who need to be evaluated prior to giving the nod toward matrimony. Michael’s attorney is screaming for the wedding to take place due to a U.S. Supreme Court ruling stating that inmates have the right to marry inmates or civilians. I think that’s total bullshit. Of course, I’m jealous. Regardless of the U.S. Statute, I think there’s some intervention time for the bride-to-be. Michael is having to be evaluated to see if he’s mentally fit to stand trial. Why, you ask? As if pointing a gun at a couple of cops isn’t reason enough,  fucking your face up like that on purpose is. But then there’s this…

  • After the shooting incident and Michael was in the hospital, medical personnel were attempting to change the bandages on his boo-boos. Being the consummate he-man, fugly face started pulling the staples out of his arms thus displaying all the fatty tissue and pus running out. Appetizing? Michael thought so. What’s good on the grill? Fresh meat, that’s what. Gazing upon his open wounds, Michael started eating his arm. Like, eating the pieces of his arm! See? That’s what makes him coveted property…he’s one of a kind.

So until his trial starts for his attempted first-degree murder charge, his aggravated discharge of a firearm and unlawful possession of a firearm charge, his mental status remains in question and his marriage sidelined. I think I can render a fairly accurate diagnosis.

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  1. chelesbells says:

    Turns my stomach just to see his face, let alone thinking about his cannibalistic ways. How would ya like to run into him in a dark alley ? NOT ! Just plain all around creepy.


  2. thinkgoat says:

    Look at it this way – perhaps the fine folks in Illinois will not have to see any more prison-type tattoos. I think the ink supply was used up on Michael. And didn’t the little runway strip down the septum hurt while tattooing? I get tears in my eyes just thinking about pulling a stray hair from there.


  3. Eddie Bacon says:

    ive seen this guy when his face was just skin and not covered up



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