John Singleton Demonstrates What Second Chances Are Worth

By ThinkGoat

Sheridan Park, Illinois I’d like to think I’m a “second-chance kind of person” but there are conditions. If you fail to bend at the hip to pick something up off the floor that doesn’t belong there, ten-to-one, you’re going to hear about it in the form of bitching, maybe even an illustrated step-by-step on how the feat is to be performed. I’m not likely to cut all ties because of the offense. (This is clearly demonstrated, I might add, by still being hitched after 20 years)

Apparently I live in a world where reason and good judgement and common sense aren’t prevalent. In my world, trying to fucking kill me is a non-sequitur. If you lay a hand on me, even threaten to, you can bet your sweet ass your hair is going to land on a voodoo doll I keep in the hutch and I’m going to practice every barbaric contortion on that motherfucker I can imagine. No second chances. But maybe it’s because I’m not capable of the certain special kind of love mixed with poor fucking judgement.

Paul Wilkins Demonstrates What He’s Capable of When Left Unsupervised

 

By ThinkGoat

Citrus County, Florida  This is a short and sweet story coming out of Florida. I could have just gotten away with posting his mugshot that features his uncanny resemblance to Uncle Fester while sporting a tee-shirt that screams, “No shit”, but his alleged crime completes a trifecta.

Erica Shryock and Charles Elliott Fuck Things up in just 15 Days

By ThinkGoat

MAGNOLIA, Ark  I’ll try not to get too distracted by these mugshots but since I mentioned it, can’t you see the stupid just ooze from their faces? Don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful for those who actually look like this…I can spot them within a mile and turn the fuck around and head the other way. The only bad thing is, stupid breeds and sometimes with devastating results.

Michelle Marten is Shitbag #1

By ThinkGoat

ALBUQUERQUE, N.M.  It’s got to take a real shitbag to bring me out of retirement. This story has three.

Kevin Davis: Reflection on Losing Virginity, “I Don’t Have Standards”, is an Understatement

By ThinkGoat

Corpus Christi, Florida In March of this year, Kevin Davis decided he’d run away from home, so he jumped on his bicycle and peddled his happy ass out of town. Riding along the railroad tracks, he decided to ditch his bike and his backpack behind some brush, walk up to the first house he saw, knocked upon the door and asked the poor residents to call the police because he’d just killed somebody. The most I ever get at my front door are Jehovah’s Witnesses and the pissed off neighbors.

Pediatric Nurse Michael William Lutts Provides Love to a Fostered Baby

 

By ThinkGoat

San Diego, California  Number 1: This particular baby has nothing to do with this story. Number 2: I really hate this pose, now that I’ve seen a few thousand variations of it in different degrees of awfulness. Number 3: This particular story does feature a premature baby and photographs…and a pediatric nurse who fostered that baby when no one else seemed to take interest.

Given the heartwarming introduction to this nurse, how is it this story made its way to being featured on CrimeCrawlers? Well, my friends, not every story here has to be filled with death, destruction, and debauchery. Some stories are chosen to make you feel good.

Ian Salter-Bromley Performs a Memorable Rendition of ♫ Heigh-Ho, Heigh-Ho, I’m Crappin’ on your Flo’…♫

 

By ThinkGoat

Hull, United Kingdom  Those who know me, know I have an unnatural fondness for midgets. For years I’ve thought the perfect birthday gift would be a baker’s dozen midgets all tied up with a leash bow and delivered to my door. I’d walk ’em, nurture ’em, and rent ’em out for parties. I’d gladly accept all ages but prefer the older ones, they’re already potty-trained, but there’s an exception to every rule…it looks as though Ian Salter-Bromley (54) needs a little more work.

Melanie Nash (Lynch) Digs Up Her Dead Father With Respect

By ThinkGoat

Lancaster, New Hampshire  Jesus Christ . I don’t know who’d be brave enough to head into a cemetery in the middle of the night with someone who looks like that but apparently there were three stupid brave individuals who fit the bill. I have to wonder how she got anyone to go along with her great idea but nowhere did it mention persuasion with drugs and/or alcohol. There had to be something because I’d like to think I have some pretty cool friends, but dude, I have to mention alcohol to get even one of them to show up to help dig a hole to bury a fucking hamster. Even then they bitch about the work it takes and always question the over-sized box I’ve chosen that’s pretty much pointless in the whole scheme of things. Point is: How much bitching did these friends do when they got about 8 shovel-fulls in and realized this bitch was serious about shaking down her dad who’d been dead for about ten years?

Michael Wilson, Jr About Lost His Head and Hands in a Metal Recycling Incident

By ThinkGoat

Memphis, Tennessee  Really? It’s Crime Crawlers. I’m not going to waste my precious time on some idiot who decides to risk life and limb on some sharp-assed metal only to get a few bucks in his pocket for groceries, tuition, whores, drugs, or a 40 oz. This story stood out because of something that prompted this quick-thinking dialog: “I’m like, man, what the hell you got going on, bro? He said something like he didn’t mean to kill him. I said, kill who brother? I don’t want to know who that is, I don’t want to know. You don’t got to tell me.”

Give Arias Death, Already.

By ThinkGoat

Here We Go Again, Arizona  “Longevity runs in my family, and I don’t want to spend the rest of my natural life in one place,” Arias told MyFoxPhoenix.com. “I believe death is the ultimate freedom and I’d rather have my freedom as soon as I can get it.”

What’s the fucking holdup?