Elizabeth Breeden Won’t be Breedin’ Anytime Soon

Posted: June 20, 2010 by Lazlo in Crime, Domestic Violence
Tags: , , , , , ,

By Lazlo

Land O’ Lakes, Florida Ah, love! It springs eternal. Two lost souls find each other in this cold, heartless world and join together to present a united front. They share and share alike; rent money, food stamps, bus vouchers, personal hygiene products. Each is happy to sacrifice for the others well being. The spirit of giving extends to every aspect of the new couples lives, except for… the last beer!

Elizabeth Breeden is in trouble again for whooping up on her new old-man. He told police that they had hooked up in February, and moved in together in May. Seems like they were getting to know each other pretty well by now. And that lazy, ungrateful bastard had the unmitigated temerity to be sucking down the last Natural Light in the house. Sounds like the honeymoon is over.

According to the St. Petersburg Times, Lizzie’s boyfriend was sitting in his chair last Wednesday evening, sipping on a beer. The last beer. You have to question the dude’s intelligence.  You saw the picture at the top, right? It would take a mighty man indeed to deprive that of something it wanted. And the she-beast wanted the last beer.  So did he realize his mistake, and hand it over? Maybe offer to share it, and get a clean canning jar for her? Hell, no. Dude defied her! So she decided to take it. And here is your first clue that things are going to turn out badly for our hero: she lashed out to grab it, he held on, and she tore the fucking can IN HALF! Yeeeee Gods!

So the boyfriend, realizing that he was woefully out-gunned, mumbled an apology and offered to go get her some more…  HE WHAT? Oh dear. This idiot decided that this was the time to assert his masculinity, and he stood up from his chair. Darling Elizabeth was having none of his manly preening though. She simply slapped his ass down, and kicked him in the nuts.

I can imaging that it was difficult for him to dial 911, and even harder to speak to the dispatcher, as he lay in a puddle and made fish-mouth faces. When officers arrived on the scene, Elizabeth tried to tell them that it was she that was being abused, and that her boyfriend had dumped beer on her and kicked her. They didn’t buy it, and arrested Ms. Breeden. For those in the know, you are already realizing that this guy must have been fucked up pretty bad, because it is almost always the man that is carted away on a domestic call; you know, women being the wilting lilies and men being the natural aggressors and all that bullshit. Only in the presence of iron-clad evidence does the woman get taken away. I’m just guessing here, knowing the typical response time for a cop to a domestic call, that our buddies nuts had a chance to swell to note-worthy size, and that her slap left a hell of a mark. I’m just working off of the mugshot here, and extrapolating the damage. Besides – she tore a fucking beer can in half! I’m picturing more than enough evidence for the cops.

They call this Beer? Whatthefuckever

This is not sweet Elizabeth’s first time in the hoosegow. She has been arrested 18 times – yep, thats eighteen – since 1999, on charges ranging from possession of coke to shoplifting to fraud. She lists her occupation as “dancer”, but again, I’m looking at the mug, and guessing that means “whore”. Who would want to watch that thing dance? And a starving whore to boot, because who would want to fuck it. And everything points to a lack of income. I mean who gets violent over the last Natural Light? That shit is one step up from recycled piss water, and about the cheapest beer-like product you can buy. Going all Xena: Warrior Princess for a Guinness is one thing, but for a Natural Light? Naw. These folks are hard up, and willing to fight for the trace amount of alcohol contained in the fine American beverage.

As of Thursday, Breeden was being held at the Pasco County jail in lieu of $1,000 bail, on the charge of domestic battery. Some advice for the boyfriend – use this time to find yourself some new digs. Because, when that thing gets out of the county jail, it ain’t gonna be happy. Just sayin’, Dude.


  1. thinkgoat says:

    He’s fucking lucky she didn’t grab ‘hold of him and rip his ass in half! Jesus Christ.

    And pssst, I thought everything in Land O’ Lakes would be too slippery to hold onto!


  2. Miss Bella says:

    LMAO! Zena Warrior Princess! This hottie is crazy!!


  3. Lazlo says:

    @Miss Bella – LOL, she is endowed with some MOVES! Try ripping a beer can in half some time. NOT an easy feat.(At least it wasn’t when I was obliging in he-man games, cans may be thinner now). The guy is just lucky she only kicked him in the balls, and didn’t use her grab and snatch technique on the boys. He would have died!


  4. Kurt says:

    Could you imagine waking up after an evening of over-indulgence and finding that staring back at you with “let’s get it on eyes” I’m glad I don’t drink near as much anymore! YUK, and all over some horse piss, I could see it happening over a Guinness but a NATURAL LIGHT???


  5. Lazlo says:

    No kidding Kurt. Natural is what? $2.35 a Case… Cold! $1.35 if they don’t refrigerate it? LOL Always figured it was for college girls who didn’t like beer but wanted to be cool. Waste of good brewery capacity if you ask me!


  6. Miss Bella says:

    I can barely crush a can with my foot let alone ripping it in two. Can you f’n imagine! Forget his balls she would probably go for the magic stick. Lmao! But I still think she’s a hottie. Tehehe!


  7. Lazlo says:

    I’m thinking that ham-fist would get the whole package Bella. Boys, stick, pubes – everything. And she is kinda sexy, in that psycho ward, womens-prison-movie kind of way.


  8. thinkgoat says:

    Dear Fucking God – check out the metamorphosis on this thing:


  9. interesting says:

    If I had to title this collage of mugshots, I think I would call it “The Many Faces of Meth”


  10. Miss Bella says:

    OMFG! Like I said she’s gorgeous! Second picture on the top left has to be a dude. She is a he/she which explains her masculine habits. Haha! Fugly Bitch!


  11. Karrie says:

    WOW!!!!!! Ya know TG she reminds me of someone… Ica!


  12. deadmyron says:

    I WANT her!


  13. thinkgoat says:

    Um, really? For what?


  14. Karrie says:

    He needs a guard dog for his beer!


  15. Peeperann says:

    Holy Christ on a crutch!! She’s an ugly she bitch!! Scary as hell looking. (shakes head) He should’ve left the piss water for her. I would have.

    No way in hell I want that huge thing coming at me!!


  16. Krammmer says:

    If she didnt make my dick hurt she’d be my hero. Any bitch wholl fight for the last beer and can rip a can in half is the awesome. I once knew a cool chick who could bite a cap off a bottle. I shit you not I fell in love with that wild bitch and tried to kidnap her one night to keep for my own and got my ass stomped by the fucking gorilla she was maried to.


  17. thinkgoat says:

    I once knew a cool chick who could bite a cap off a bottle.

    Heh. Can’t everyone do that shit? That’s the only proper way to get a cap off the Guinness.



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