Only two things are pissing me off right now. One is I don’t know how to wrap my words around the pictures in my articles, like Lazlo does. The other is our country’s excuse for a death penalty. Our death penalty, the way it exists now, is like having a penis: Neither of them is worth a shit if you don’t use them. In 2009 there were 52 executions in this country. That’s about one a week. I’d be willing to bet my monthly allotment of food stamps that more people than that are sentenced to death each year, so obviously there is going to be a bottle-neck. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that something has gotta give. Somewhere. Some time. It is said that it is cheaper to keep a prisoner doing a life sentence than it is to put one to death. Our government’s life blood is money, pure and simple. They aren’t considering the whole picture…the bottle-neck. How much will it cost when they have to start building new prisons and hiring new guards and all the other good prison-type bullshit? It’s time to start using that penis, America! I have the answers and everyone will benefit from my brilliant solution and you will praise me!
First, it is imperative that we need to redefine the 8th Amendment of the Constitution. The phrase “cruel and unusual punishment” particularly should either be updated or erased from the judicial lexicon. “Justice” itself is defined as fair, yes? Ask yourself then, what is fair about not executing a death sentence until all the victims loved ones have died? Cruel and unusual punishment should be relative to the crime. Use as an example, a child is bitten to death by some fucking meth-head. He is sentenced to death. What happens is he sits like a lump of shit in a jail cell watching television. The baby he killed is still fucking dead! Would it be justice to let him hang around for fifteen years and then lay him down like a baby taking a nap? Nope. What would be fair would be death by cheese grater two days after sentencing. Since he allowed no appeal from his victim, he should be allowed no appeal. That is justice.
Now, I’m not suggesting that we kill everyone on death row immediately. The cases where there is some question about the offender’s guilt, they can stay. The ones with no question? The really sick fucks, serial killers, or just plain monstrous? Two days max. An hour before his execution, a guard delivers a dead rat on a paper plate. “Here’s your last supper, fuck hole.” Just before execution, a minister is provided to piss on the bastard. After the execution, burn the body and spread the ashes in a fucking pig pen. That’s justice, folks. Just think of the money this could save our country!
Another thing to consider is giving the family of the victim the right to metaphorically throw the switch when the time comes. I’m sure most won’t, but shit, give them the chance. Whatever they need to help them heal. Perhaps they can even be allowed to choose how to have the offender executed. I mean, in the dark ages, they had all kinds of fun ways to kill people. What? We’ve got five or so ways to execute people? Surely someone can sit down and think up a few more without, you know, going overboard. Nothing too elaborate, or expensive. You don’t need to spend a lot of money ridding the world of some one like that.
Better yet, farm those fuckers out! Instead of testing on animals that never hurt a soul, laboratories should be able to purchase them from the prison and use them in experiments. A poor little monkey can’t tell someone where it hurts, but a fucking child molester can. Use those fuckers like disposable lighters; finish with it and toss it in the trash. There’s plenty more where that came from, mister! Then we would know exactly how a specific chemical affects the human body. Are you aware that a crash test dummy costs about $250,000 each? GM could buy some idiot who decided he could leave no witnesses in his robbery and killed five people in front of a security camera. They pay a fraction of the cost and gather twice the detail as a crash test dummy could. GM can develop an improved safety system and some state government is up $40,000 to boot. It’s win/win folks.
My final idea involves those fucking headline killers. Speck, Gacy, Dahmer, Bundy, I could go on forever. In this explanation, we’ll use Speck because I hate his worthless, pathetic ass. Now, Speck gets handed his death sentence. That day would begin a national raffle. Anyone willing to spend $100.00 can buy a chance to personally put Speck to death. Make a big deal out of it, man. Limo ride to the death house, a night in some fancy fucking hotel, first class all the way. Shit! This country would be rolling in money! Make it a pay-per-view event. In Vegas, they would be betting whether he’d shit himself or not. It would be raining money, folks. Seriously.
Remember while reading, that if you commit an inhuman crime, you give up your right to be treated as a human being. It’s no longer inhuman to strap some dumb fucking robber-murderer in a replica Taurus and crash it into the back of a semi. These are just things, so keep that in mind while considering my ideas. Actually, I should have put this on top, but fuck it now.