By ThinkGoat

Lyons, New York Crying babies. It happens. It frays the nerves of every parent to the point of locking oneself in the closet with a fifth of grain alcohol and a Widespread Panic cd. That’s only as a last resort though. Every parent goes through the litany of things to check: Is the baby hungry? Nope. Won’t take tit. Wet? Another wasted diaper. Cold? Wrap it up. Hot? Do the opposite. Does this screaming lung-sac have gas? Walk, rock, pat, and gently bounce him. Seriously, these are just a few tricks of the trade that anyone with an ounce of brain matter can come up with – but – there is a rapidly increasing breed of stupid that thinks the only way to silence a crying baby is to teach her a lesson:  inflict pain. Unless you’re really good at this technique it almost always increases the intensity of the cries. But this breed of stupid is perfecting things. They can quiet this whaling midget with a couple good blows to the head, a little sip of Methadone, trying to stick the baby into the drywall through tremendous force, etc. But our new asshat, Aaron Iacono decided to reenact a scene from Harry Potter’s “Goblet of Fire” perhaps wondering if his little bundle of joy’s screams could be transformed to the beautiful mermaid’s song while under water.

30-year-old Aaron Iacono was living the American dream. He had a 10-month-old daughter and a submissive mail-order-bride from Russia. The “submissive” part is merely an observation on my part but I think you may agree once all the details are revealed. The Iacono’s moved to New York from Utah, had been married for less than two years having met through a Mormon chat service. I’m sure the statistics are better than this but I’ve written three stories now on cases involving mail-order-brides. One was in Vegas and her husband killed her, shoved her in a deep freezer that he had moved up to an adjoining bedroom. (I suspected she was curled up around the frozen top tier of their wedding cake). The other case involved a little bondage and resulted in gunpowder and blood splattered all over the garage. Two of my buddies have utilized this service: the first didn’t last long as she took one look at him and bolted, the second was to one of my buddies from college…a Polish bride…she fits him well. Holy shit, I got off track.

Not one report I found revealed the age of Aaron’s wife. I think it’s safe to assume she did not share the same American dreams as her husband. She packed up and left all she knew in Russia, came to a foreign land, got married, got pregnant, and quickly came to the realization she’d become wedded to the devil’s third cousin twice removed.

The Iacono’s 10-month-old suffered multiple contusions and a fractured leg. And during the question/answer period in the emergency room, it was quickly deducted this woman and her child had experienced a tiny corner of hell within a relatively short amount of time.

It takes an unadulterated idiot to not realize, at 10-months-old, you’re going to spend less time teaching a guinea pig to tap dance than teaching a baby not to cry. But if grades must be given for inventive ways to educate, I suppose I could give Aaron a high “B”. His technique is not one I’ve come across often at all. Had it worked, he probably would have earned an “A”, but fuckheads are fuckheads and rarely think things though completely.

On at least two occasions, Mr. Suave snatched up his little bundle of blubber and decided the best way for her to learn to quit crying was to hold her head under the faucet gushing cold water. Hot water would burn her, you know. He was a tough teacher though, or perhaps she was a rebellious student – the waterboarding lessons lasted at least 5 minutes. That’s some hard-core stamina on the baby’s part. I saw a “Myth Busters” episode and that chick barely lasted a few minutes of water torture. Completely came-from-gether. This child held together long enough to suffer a belly distended with water and and a sore noggin from her fuckhead father bouncing her head off the faucet. That was an extra touch he used. And when his daughter refused to let him win, he exerted his manliness and bounced her off the floor.

Unlike most of the females we feature on Crime Crawlers, (the ones who sit back and watch this happen while doing nothing), this bride tried to fight him off her child. Unfortunately this landed her a couple of hands around her neck then on the giving end of a blow job. That’s right. This sick prick tried to drown his infant daughter, bounced her off the floor, tried to strangle his wife, then made her get down and suck his dick. I guess going off the deep end trying to kill off your family is erotic. Now while I can identify with this chick on the level of fighting for the child, we differ in a few areas as well. I would have grabbed a knife and gotten a little stabby with the fucker. Had he managed to live and yanked his pants down demanding I validate his carnal needs, I would have complied long enough to bite the fucker off. Adrenaline makes you do awesome things sometimes. This poor gal didn’t let her inner bitch shine. She allowed this monster to push her around until she could get that baby out and to safety in the form of emergency room doctors.

Aaron Iacono was arrested and charged with two counts of first-degree attempted assault, one count of first-degree criminal sex act, two counts of endangering the welfare of a child, and one count of criminal obstruction of breathing or blood circulation. What ever happened to the good old-fashioned count of attempted murder? Despite his attempt to woo the judge (he asked the police escorting him to arraignment to tell the judge he generally was “a better dresser”), the judge decided to hold him in lieu of a $100,000 bond.

Are you kidding me? This cocky son of a bitch held his infant daughter under cold water for 5 minutes, ramming her head into faucets, forced his wife to blow him after he choked her (not with his dick but with his hands) and he was worried about his clothing while appearing in front of the judge? 5 minutes is all I’d need to wipe that ugly look right off his head.

  1. interesting says:

    There are sometimes when I read stories on here that I think maybe Lorena Bobbitt is a genius and I’m a guy.


  2. deadmyron says:

    Before I start on Aaron, I must thank TG. I know now that ‘fuckhead’ IS a compound word. Tonight, I sleep.

    Hey Aaron, this is Deadmyron. Know what? If this was my grandchild, I would find you, Aaron. Then I would crazy glue you naked to a freshly lacquered chair. As soon as I was ensured you were immobile, Aaron. Oh then I would slowly, oh so slowly use a cheese grater to take the top of your head off. I would grate myself right though the skull to that dormant goo where your brain is supposed to go. If you were still conscious, I would urinate in the hole.

    Then I’d light the lacquer and leave. What you do then is up to you.

    If we don’t get fuckers like you out of circulation, next time you may hurt a puppy.



  3. Darling Violetta says:

    Don’t forget to fry it and serve it to him on a dinner platter first, myron.

    What a sick fuck this one is. Without reading, I would’ve thought from his appearance and the cocky look on his face that he was about two years into college.

    Dear Judge:

    This intricate miserly cocksmack has been wasting perfectly good oxygen for thirty years too long, and hurt at least two people that we know about to boot. Please allow someone to shove a Kong down his throat so that he no longer breathes our good air. It’d be a great public service.

    Thank you!



  4. brody says:

    This is the kind of shit that would make a guy become a pro-bono hitman. Seriously how fucked up does the system have to be to not wanna charge this shitbag with attempted murder. You would think that they would wanna get a sick fuck like this off the streets forever.


  5. Shannon says:

    According to TG’s source, he moved his family to New York state due to their social service benefits and his claims of not being able to work due mental issues. I’m sure those mental issues will be part of his defense and I wouldn’t be surprised if he received some sort of slap on the wrist instead of long, hard time.

    He also moved them to New York state to be closer to the Hill Cumorah so, I’m guessing his attorney will paint the picture of an upstanding, moral, religious man who’s trying to deal with issues beyond his control. He’ll probably say the devil made him do it.

    As for his mail-order bride, I’d like to ask her and the other mail-order brides that come into this country what did she/they expect? Do these women think these men are shelling out thousands of dollars for them to come over here and bake cookies, tend to the home fires and children, and live happily ever after with the man of their dreams? Does it not cross their minds that they are no more than high-priced whores who will, more than likely, be treated like dog shit, forced to have sex at their husband’s discretion, and have every aspect of their life controlled by an iron fist?

    I feel bad that the mother was forced to suck dick at a time she most certainly wasn’t in the mood to suck dick, and I feel bad she had to witness her baby being abused, but she’s not so much the victim as that baby girl. The baby had been abused on at least two separate occasions which means the mother neglected to seek help from law enforcement on a previous occasion. She doesn’t deserve the privilege of raising the baby anymore than the father deserves the privilege. Plenty of loving, caring, compassionate women who can’t have children of their own would be willing to take this baby girl in and love her as their very own.


  6. thinkgoat says:

    The two I know who have/had mail-order-brides do not meet the criteria you laid out there.


  7. Shannon says:

    That’s why I said ‘more than likely…’

    I’m sure not all meet the criteria and don’t have ill intentions towards their mail-order bride but I’d venture to say they’re in the minority. But in the same breath I’d dare to say they wanted russian arm candy..or at least the one unaesthetic dude whose bride took one look at him and made for the hills.



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