Brian Hall Has a Super Long Neck. And a Machete.

By ThinkGoat

Tulsa, Oklahoma I don’t know if the news sources have been a little lazy this week (you know, right before the 4th of July weekend) or if the criminals are saving all the good shit for when I don’t feel like writing. Either way, outside of the normal baby bouncing off the fist stories, there’s not been much activity in the “what the fuck” genre so I’ve resorted to finding and being intrigued by a mug shot even though the story behind the dude isn’t so whatthefuckish but rather stupid.

(Who stretched his neck?)

Okay, imagine biting the bullet and clocking into work at Whataburger. You’re standing there waiting for the next customer to finish gazing upon the menu board so they can place their order for a burger and fries and you notice this goofy looking fuck standing in line. I would have been so preoccupied with what kind of genius would come out of that mouth that I’d more than likely push the wrong order for the current customer. I’d stand there fixated on exactly when that head would start twitching to and fro, when that foot would start scratching at the concrete tile flooring, and stand in anticipation for the “Bwwaaaaaaaaaaaakkkkk!” (then promptly shit my pants due to the surprise and laughter – that is until the machete is pulled out)

(Did his parents stretch that neck from birth?)

Brian Hall allegedly walked into Whataburger and ordered fries but when it came time to pay for said fries, a whopping $1.78, chickenman couldn’t produce a single cent (surprise surprise) but he was able to pull a machete out of his shorts. Now a couple of weeks ago I wondered who the fuck carries a machete around in their shorts but since this is the 2nd story in that amount of time that featured this new craze, I’m guessing every asshat who wishes to get their point across and make it in police-beat does this.

(Were there once those colorful rings some natives use on there?)

The quick thinking cashier was able to talk Hall down and convinced him he’d be better off with yummy goodness in his tummy than the cash in the register (you know, criminals really have a one-track mind). Hall took his fries, his machete, and left the burger joint with a completed mission…until the police got involved.

(Did the fucker cut them off during puberty?)

Tulsa authorities took one look at the surveillance tape and were able to track Brian Hall to a nearby apartment complex. I doubt that was too difficult. “Hey, does anyone know some tall skinny dude with a wild fro, looks kind of like a cartoon character with an abnormally long neck and bug eyes?” Much dismay to women everywhere, Hall was booked on charges of felony robbery with a dangerous weapon (the machete, not looks) and an outstanding warrant – for what, we don’t know. He remains incarcerated on a $50,300 bond. It’s fairly safe to say he’ll remain incarcerated – if he can’t choke up a buck-seventy-eight…

(I wonder, if he doesn’t chew his food real well, if you can actually see it make its mile-long journey down his throat. Kind of like watching our python eat mice.)

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