Brian Hall Has a Super Long Neck. And a Machete.

Posted: June 30, 2010 by thinkgoat in Crime, Mug Shot, Robbery
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,

By ThinkGoat

Tulsa, Oklahoma I don’t know if the news sources have been a little lazy this week (you know, right before the 4th of July weekend) or if the criminals are saving all the good shit for when I don’t feel like writing. Either way, outside of the normal baby bouncing off the fist stories, there’s not been much activity in the “what the fuck” genre so I’ve resorted to finding and being intrigued by a mug shot even though the story behind the dude isn’t so whatthefuckish but rather stupid.

(Who stretched his neck?)

Okay, imagine biting the bullet and clocking into work at Whataburger. You’re standing there waiting for the next customer to finish gazing upon the menu board so they can place their order for a burger and fries and you notice this goofy looking fuck standing in line. I would have been so preoccupied with what kind of genius would come out of that mouth that I’d more than likely push the wrong order for the current customer. I’d stand there fixated on exactly when that head would start twitching to and fro, when that foot would start scratching at the concrete tile flooring, and stand in anticipation for the “Bwwaaaaaaaaaaaakkkkk!” (then promptly shit my pants due to the surprise and laughter – that is until the machete is pulled out)

(Did his parents stretch that neck from birth?)

Brian Hall allegedly walked into Whataburger and ordered fries but when it came time to pay for said fries, a whopping $1.78, chickenman couldn’t produce a single cent (surprise surprise) but he was able to pull a machete out of his shorts. Now a couple of weeks ago I wondered who the fuck carries a machete around in their shorts but since this is the 2nd story in that amount of time that featured this new craze, I’m guessing every asshat who wishes to get their point across and make it in police-beat does this.

(Were there once those colorful rings some natives use on there?)

The quick thinking cashier was able to talk Hall down and convinced him he’d be better off with yummy goodness in his tummy than the cash in the register (you know, criminals really have a one-track mind). Hall took his fries, his machete, and left the burger joint with a completed mission…until the police got involved.

(Did the fucker cut them off during puberty?)

Tulsa authorities took one look at the surveillance tape and were able to track Brian Hall to a nearby apartment complex. I doubt that was too difficult. “Hey, does anyone know some tall skinny dude with a wild fro, looks kind of like a cartoon character with an abnormally long neck and bug eyes?” Much dismay to women everywhere, Hall was booked on charges of felony robbery with a dangerous weapon (the machete, not looks) and an outstanding warrant – for what, we don’t know. He remains incarcerated on a $50,300 bond. It’s fairly safe to say he’ll remain incarcerated – if he can’t choke up a buck-seventy-eight…

(I wonder, if he doesn’t chew his food real well, if you can actually see it make its mile-long journey down his throat. Kind of like watching our python eat mice.)


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  1. deadmyron says:

    I thought the police caught him when he buried his head in the sand.


  2. Evil Twin Jess says:

    (Were there once those colorful rings some natives use on there?)

    LMAO This was my first thought. And then this

    (I wonder, if he doesn’t chew his food real well, if you can actually see it make its mile-long journey down his throat. Kind of like watching our python eat mice.)

    along with a visual image. And then I wondered if he can bend it 90 degrees and look around corners without the rest of his body showing.

    Also, I’m not a guy so I’m not sure, but I would think one would want to be very careful carrying a machete around in those type of shorts.


  3. thinkgoat says:

    You know, I had to write the story just to rid myself of all the questions pertaining to that neck of his! I love the mental image of his head and neck turning the corner of a building 30 seconds prior to his body appearing. That’s some funny shit.


  4. Karrie says:

    There is no way he just quickly pulled the machete out of his shorts.. I used to have one and they are relatively long. And to avoid cutting any skin it would be a slow process. That right there would have been pretty funny to see! As for turning the corner and not moving his head, that is hilarious to imagine!!


  5. john doe hoes says:

    i hope u bitches never get poor.. and cant afford a meal.. i doubt he meant any harm.. he probly was trying to trade it wit the remainding change that he had u fuk offs.. quick to talk shit on a homeless guy.


  6. cha says:

    He was not homeless at the time, he was close to it. He was trying to get something to feed his 1 year old daughter. He went into that same store everyday and thought that he had the money to cover the fries. When he was going through his shorts to see if he had the rest of the money he moved the machete out of the way to turn his pockets inside out. when he realized he didnt have the change you see in the video that the guy behind the counter is not threatened in any way, but they are having a calm conversation. Again it is because he went in there almost daily. so he put everything back in his pockets and the clerk gave him the fries for free. To cover his own ass he said that he was robbed and that is why the clerk did not show up for court the first two times he was summonsed! This story is bull shit and so is the person that reported it!



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