Cops arrest Derek Kidd for Stealing Their Candybars. OH HELL NO

Derek Kidd

By Thinkgoat

Middletown, Kentucky It’s common that I research a certain area in which a particular crime occurs, especially when it takes place in an area prone to ridicule. In doing this, it gives me a glimpse into the make-up of the area, the people, and the educational background. Really – I just want to see how “on track” the stereo-types are and most generally, they fit like a glove with the crime committed. One really gets the sense that perhaps the perp’s only real problem is that some smartass new cop rolled into town and busted them from something they’d been doing for a long time with no interference…the real hillbilly areas of this country. This story had me a bit perplexed. I researched the educational background of Middletown and was surprised to see, according to the 2000 Census, 33.5% attended some college or trade school. Either my newest feature didn’t fall into that percentage, he lied, or he thought the interviewer was talking about Carol’s Kiddie College where he spent the first 7 years of his life trying to graduate.

Derek Kidd and his lovely girlfriend found themselves spending the night in the Middletown City slammer Tuesday evening after each incurred a charge of disorderly conduct. Isn’t that sweet? They both went to the pokey together. It’s those kind of bonds that tie the heartstrings tighter. And by the next sequence of events, the one thing that should be derived from this whole mess: stupid people need to stick together. These two further complicated their lives when they tried to think and act on their own…

When the monkeys loving couple were released from their cages, they wandered into the jail’s lobby and started asking various people for use of their cell phones. Seeing that these two were starting to become a nuisance, Police Maj. Mark Hoffman, having that keen eye for potential “situations”, invited “Bonnie and Clyde” to use the police phone. Ooooh, the police phone! I wonder if it’s red…

This is where shit goes bad. ‘Bonnie’ was placing the call which left ‘Clyde’ with a loose leash and free hands. Since Derek no longer held her undivided attention, he wandered into the detective’s break room. Wow. He missed his calling in life.  Not only did he escape Police Major Hoffman’s watchful eye, he found the detective’s break room. He should have been a spy. Once Hoffman realized that sneaky fox was not attached to his girl’s side, he pulled out his secret decoder ring and found his way to the very breakroom a criminal could find with no problem. It was only after Ace Hoffman started herding Derek back to the front, another officer noticed something familiar…his blue knit Middletown PD hat under the one that used to be on Swiper’s head. Swiper, NOOOO swiping. Even worse, there were two ‘Whatchamacallit’ candy bars that belonged to the cop. OH NOS! That’s pretty damn close to stealing a doughnut out of the box. This Carol’s Kiddie College graduate not only wandered around the private confines of the MPD, he stole a cop’s hat and his candy! (Oh, and two syringes he broke out of the depository hanging on the wall – he was going to bleach them out – not to worry.) Maj. Hoffman was quick to exclaim Derek Kidd was arrested for being stupid…we’re getting a step closer to my hope for this country – arrests made for that major infliction. The one problem here is that the police at the City Jail weren’t a whole lot brighter by letting two yahoos wander around the station…

Derek was arrested and held on charges of theft and possession of drug abuse instruments. He wasn’t alone for long – his Bonnie, aka Sunni Morgan was rearrested later Wednesday, held on charges of impersonating a police officer and criminal trespass after allegedly trying to get use of a city resident’s phone by claiming she was a cop. She clearly impersonated the wrong person…the better option would have been the cute dude on Free Credit Report.com. She could have donned some pointy slippers and green wool tights and got her knowledge on… even with shitty credit, that dude at least ended up with a cell phone…

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