Morrow, Georgia My friend Kelly was going to take his daughter to visit Santa Claus yesterday and I tried to convince him to take his turn sitting on Santa’s lap. I’m not sure if he’s ever taken me seriously in the umpteen years I’ve known him and yesterday was no different. I tried to convince him it wasn’t really unheard of and the only thing that would really draw attention to the situation would be if he happened to piss on his lap, there was still no way he was going to humor me long distanced and actually do it. And just as I closed out our chat, I came across this story of a guy around our age who was filled with the holiday spirit and promptly got arrested.
Dressed in an elf costume, William Caldwell stood in line at Southlake Mall outside of Atlanta, Georgia last week awaiting his turn to speak to the freaky man with an unruly beard dressed in red. As he traversed the serpentine line he was merely looked upon as a mall employee who was possibly hired to don the ridiculous outfit and make a complete fool of himself. But when he made it to St. Nick, it’s what he said that got his ass in a whole heap of trouble.
It was something like, “Hey Santa, guess what I have for YOU…a little bit of dynamite in my bag!” I really hope he let out one of those maniacal laughs like all the evil villains do in the movies. And who knows, he may have – did you take a good look at his mug shot? Meth much, dude? Holy Shit! Had I been in line with my children and looked at that, we would have split. Seriously. He simply does not possess the look of a rational human being…or elf.
Santa called mall security and Big Willy was escorted into the arms of real cops who slapped some real charges on this over-grown doofus. While peering into his little bag of goodies, they found it was just as vacant of explosives as his gaze was of any sanity. William Caldwell III was arrested for having hoax devices and making terroristic threats. Should have charged the dipshit with pissing off Santa although the big guy NEVER forgets. Guaranteed, Willy has been crossed off that big list.
And Kelly – if you ever decided to act on a whim and follow my suggestion, leave any explosives you might think of acquiring at home…and of course, visit the little boy’s room before sitting on Santa’s lap. And for Willie, just say no to drugs, dude. And seriously, an elf costume? You totally ruined any fantasy I had of getting myself a few midgets, dress them as little elf people, and tossing them into the crowd. You’re on my shitlist too.
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