Posts Tagged ‘Arrested’

By Lazlo

Sheboygan, Wisconsin Here is a little gem of a story that caught the eye of the staff here at Crime Crawlers. TG thought it would be the perfect piece for me to get back into the groove. The opening line of the source story in the Sheboygan Press immediately grabbed my attention and imagination by stating the charge Mrs. Lueders is being held on: felony mayhem. Oh yeah – mayhem. And not just your garden variety mayhem, but the felony kind. No more enticement is necessary, I’m hooked. So just what kind of bat-shit crazy behavior does a lady need to engage in to earn such a bad-assed charge as that? Seems it all started in the toilet…

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By ThinkGoat

Union City, California I am a self-proclaimed Dollar Store junkie. I love every. single. thing. about that place. My most prized possession purchased: a retro 70’s plastic pear plate thingy that I proudly display on the stove top. Even though it’s the most beautiful thing I’ve laid eyes on, it’s made even more special because I got it on sale. At the Dollar Store. 75% off. These little miracles are what keeps me going back to that store. Well, that and I’ve a friend who punches the time clock there. She’s never at a loss when it comes to sharing amusing idiosyncrasies that can only be found in a place that sells “Totally Awesome Green” stuff next to the “Totally Awesome Lemon” stuff. (which is, by all intents and purposes, totally awesome). While I’ve never witnessed people confusing the aisle for a toilet, I keep my hopes up each time I enter through the doors. I’m not sure what my reaction would be, rounding the corner only to find some drooling butthead squatting next to the stationary but I can guarantee you, rounding the corner and seeing what this grandmother did, my reaction would be quick and painful and perhaps deadly. (more…)

By ThinkGoat

Jackson County, West Virginia Breaking one of my own rules, I decided this story was too fantastic not to feature even though it’s a month old and there’s been no new developments. I originally shot this story to Lazlo with great anticipation of reading his take on Melissa. But internet connections are unpredictable in Borneo. At least that was his explanation. I’ve not yet come to a conclusion what the hell he’s doing there – his messages are cryptic at best. When I’ve attempted asking Deadmyron for help decoding the messages, he recites some obscure alien controversy dialog, says the CIA is tapping his phone, and quickly hangs up. I thought about sending this story link to him but the last time I did that I got a 47,000 word essay on human sexuality that was so incredible I was sort of fearful about where he’d go with Melissa’s story. Plus, DM is still suffering from chronic pain from being probed a couple of months ago. Athena has been banned from the internet for the remaining 3 months of her stint at the convent. I thought about asking her to pen the article over whatever paper was available to her, (church bulletin, pages from Deuteronomy, etc) but the risk of her getting caught ended up out-weighing the hilarity of envisioning how the final product would look. In hindsight, Athena would have been the best option, just to see the words: “pussy”, “eat”, and “stench” coming from a holy institution. But instead, you all are stuck with me, who simply couldn’t let this story slip into a world of obscurity. Plus I just couldn’t get this chick’s mug out of my head. Nor her “situation”. (more…)

By ThinkGoat

Seneca, South Carolina Police got lucky in a way when they responded to a 911 report of a burglary occurring at a private residence. Lucky because they didn’t have to look far for the “alleged” perpetrator. When they arrived, they found 31-year-old Noah Smith lying nekkid on the floor of the doorway, sunny side up. Their luck quickly ran dry when they thought this would be an easy apprehension. They learned a valuable lesson:  people who would break into a place buttass naked are probably not right in the head and one should proceed with caution. Me? I’ve covered enough of these stories to know “peeled” antics most often include drug use of some form. Which again, one should proceed with caution. Be prepared. And for God’s sake, carry elephant tranquilizer, tasers don’t affect these wild creatures. (more…)

By ThinkGoat

Bartlesville, Oklahoma Lyndsey Fiddler, mother of three children (ages 4, 3, and a 10-day old) has quite an extensive criminal record according to the authorities. Not only had she been charged for driving without a license but driving that car without strapping in her small children. Unfortunately, this isn’t extremely uncommon – I see it daily. It’s the assault charges that begin to set of big warning signs. That, coupled with drug charges when she was 4-months pregnant with her last child should have been enough to put her on someone’s radar. Actually, it did. It was her family that tried to intervene by getting her parental rights revoked due to her drug abuse but the judicial system decided they knew best. There was something that left the family uneasy about this meth-crazed mother and 10 days after Ms. Fiddler gave birth, an aunt decided to pop in on her. Perhaps to see if she could lend some help, perhaps to ease the family’s emotional state of fearing the worst. What do you think she found? (more…)

By ThinkGoat

Evansville, Indiana There’s at least one little 2-year-old who didn’t get to go Trick-or-Treating this year and she can thank her mommy’s boyfriend, Kyle Hankins, for that shit. And since this asshole had a history of abuse, she might as well thank her mother as well. She’ll maybe have that chance when she’s released from the burn unit and when her 3rd-degree burns start to heal. (more…)

By ThinkGoat

Glendale, Arizona  / Ouachita Parish, Louisiana I don’t care what your party stories are, nothing can compare to Matthew Hicks’ tale. Period. Or at least what he can remember of it, which is just enough to award him with the Dude trophy.

Found wearing only a pair of rubber boots some 1300 miles away from home, police responded to a 911 call and apprehended Matthew Hicks (32) walking toward the road. I surmise, just by the sheer nature of being all nekkid, they were certain they had their man.

He couldn’t recall why his car was towed, nor how he landed at the home of the lady who called the police, but he did know he was from Glendale, Arizona and well, decided to make the best of a confusing situation.

While looking out your window and seeing some stranger lathering himself up and bathing in your swimming pool may be a tad strange, seeing that same stranger humping your glass door isn’t that far out there. I mean, who hasn’t done it at least once?

Authorities state Hicks admitted to bathing in the swimming pool and when asked about the lewd acts with the door, his response: “She saw me?” Dude. You were attempting to hump a glass door, of course she saw you. And she was unamused. And a bit disturbed.

Humpty Dumpty was charged on one count of exposing his genitals in public and one count of trespassing. (more…)