Hull, United Kingdom Those who know me, know I have an unnatural fondness for midgets. For years I’ve thought the perfect birthday gift would be a baker’s dozen midgets all tied up with a
leash bow and delivered to my door. I’d walk ’em, nurture ’em, and rent ’em out for parties. I’d gladly accept all ages but prefer the older ones, they’re already potty-trained, but there’s an exception to every rule…it looks as though Ian Salter-Bromley (54) needs a little more work.
From what I can gather from reading the article, Salter-Bromley resides in a council flat, which I imagine is equivalent to public housing. I came to that conclusion because he was bitching his neighbors were drug addicts, alcoholics, and young mothers. Then again, it could be any Junior High School campus, for that matter.
Salter-Bromley claims he’s had to endure things that have made his life miserable, shitty neighbors and everything in his flat is eight inches too high. He allegedly fell and is now in a wheelchair making it difficult for him to crawl up two flights of stairs to his home.
I can think of several fun and inventive ways to get him back down.
He has allegedly taken his complaints in front of the council more than once but apparently the resolutions were not to his satisfaction. He then began his revenge by becoming a hateful little prick which landed him a “contempt of court injunction” granted to the community center staff guarding them against his abuses.
It was in the courtroom for sentencing, that things went horribly wrong…
Judge Jeremy Richardson QC said he accepted Salter-Bromley suffered a variety of social and medical problems, which had left him angry and in a cycle of unhappiness.
“It is vital that you conduct yourself in a civilised fashion,” the judge told him.
“Individuals who suffer similar medical problems, tragedies or disabilities usually conduct themselves with decorum, in a seemly, civilised way. As such, people are only too willing to help.”
“You conduct yourself in an uncivilised way, which you seem to relish.”
And with that, my funny little buddy called the center staff “useless fuckers”, yanked down his pants and shit upon their floor. Twice.
The judge went on: “Mr Salter-Bromley has shown a disgusting lack of personal hygiene and his conduct has been disgraceful.
“I truly regret having to make these observations here. In many ways, I feel sorry for him.
“However, I cannot ignore his threatening, abusive and antisocial behaviour towards public servants. These are individuals who provide a valuable service to the community. They have been subjected to insults, they have been subjected to threats and all manner of unlawful behaviour.”
The judge gave Salter-Bromley a 21-day suspended prison sentence for the breech of the injunction with this caveat: If there are any more breeches of the injunction, his prison sentence will be activated.
I’ll tell you what, if he breeches that agreement, send him to me. I’ll have my co-workers save up a bunch of newspapers so I can smack him on the ass after I rub his nose in the shit on the floor.