New Bern, NC — Three NC natives evidently got really thirsty and didn’t really have enough braincells between the three to realize they could have just put money in a machine and gotten a soda without having to go to jail. Instead, these two clowns went to their local grocery store, hooked a chain from their truck to the machine, and absconded with the machine. I’m not quite sure what they were thinking they were going to do with said machine once they got to their home; perhaps it wasn’t a case of thirst but a “get rich quick” scheme where they’d sell sodas to their neighbors and live the high life. Who knows?
In any event, it was almost the perfect crime. Except the machine broke during their getaway, leaving a trail of sodas behind them that the police used to find them at their homes in Onslow Court. Hansel and Gretel couldn’t have done a better job. Two of the suspected were caught in their home in Onslow Court. 32 year old Guy Hawkins Jr and 40 year old Chris Baker. You’d think at their age they’d be above these things. They were arrested on charges of larceny and stolen property and are both placed on $15,000 bail. Unfortunately, no mug shots are available at the time of this writing.
I’m sure Coke cans across the nation feel safer with these guys off the streets, but they should be forewarned the third suspect is still on the loose, presumably seeking psychiatric counseling under the care of Dr. Pepper in the small resort town located in the valley of Mountain Dew.
Mr. Pibb could not be reached for comment.