By Lazlo

Sheboygan, Wisconsin Here is a little gem of a story that caught the eye of the staff here at Crime Crawlers. TG thought it would be the perfect piece for me to get back into the groove. The opening line of the source story in the Sheboygan Press immediately grabbed my attention and imagination by stating the charge Mrs. Lueders is being held on: felony mayhem. Oh yeah – mayhem. And not just your garden variety mayhem, but the felony kind. No more enticement is necessary, I’m hooked. So just what kind of bat-shit crazy behavior does a lady need to engage in to earn such a bad-assed charge as that? Seems it all started in the toilet…

Officers responded to the home Of William (79) and Karen (57) Lueders after a 911 call was placed by Mr. L. They found Karen outside “still carrying a New Year’s horn in her hand and singing Christmas carols”. They approached her and inquired as to the nature of the problem, and were answered with a stunning blast from her instrument in one of the officers ears. She also threw a cup of coffee at them. All the signs are now officially pointing to someone who is either on a major bender, or who, in medical parlance, is crazy-as-a-shit-house-rat. Further investigation made it abundantly clear.

The police found Mr Lueders inside with a mouth full of gauze. EMT’s on the scene informed them that his tongue had been bitten off. Now I get why officers weren’t better informed of the situation when they arrived on scene. I can only imagine the conversation during the 911 call:

Caller: “Eye ong wa bi’n op”

Dispatch: “Excuse me, Sir?”

By nodding in response to the officers questions, Mr. L confirmed that it was the Mrs. that munched his licker. In a written statement later, the details came out. According to Mr. Lueders, it seems that Mrs. Lueders had been acting strangely in the days leading up to her manic episode: talking very fast and discoursing about spiritual matters.  She was sitting on the toilet when William bent over her to give her a kiss.

Wait a moment! I am the last one to criticize what people do in their own homes, but I wasn’t aware of this kink. Is this a thing? Kissing up on your mate while they are answering nature’s call? Do they have web-sites and fan fiction on it? And NO! – I am not going to do the Google search.

Anyway, it was while he was delivering his kiss that Karen went into a “manic state”, grabbing his genitals and biting off his tongue. Not just biting it, mind you, but biting it right the fuck off. I’m guessing he’s grateful that he didn’t stick any other part of himself in her mouth.

Police were able to secure the severed part of his tongue. Doctors have attempted to reattach it, and he is reported as being in satisfactory condition.

Karen Lueders faced her initial hearing last Thursday, but it was adjourned pending a psychiatric evaluation. The presiding judge said “There is certainly a basis for the court to question her ability to understand the nature of these proceedings and assist in her defense,” Don’t you love legal understatement?

Karen did not speak during the hearing, but it is reported that upon exiting the courtroom she intimated to a reporter “I love you, it’s too bad you don’t listen”, and then, in a singsong voice, walked out saying “I love you Karen Lueders”. Whew.

She is being held on $5,000 cash bond at the jail, and Capt. Karol Salara, jail administrator, while not able to comment on Karen Lueders specifically, summarized the housing conditions for those with suspected mental issues:  “We would potentially have an (isolated) area to put them in for safety and the protection of themselves or others.” So yeah – they have her in a padded cell. On a charge of felony mayhem. It just doesn’t get any crazier than that.

  1. Darling Violetta says:

    She was having fits of Hannibal Lecter?

    I dont know, but just looking at that photo is enough to convince me that she’s a crazy loon..


  2. Lazlo says:

    Evidently the Judge thought so too, Violetta. I can picture him coming into the courtroom, watching her while the lawyers said their preliminary lawyer things, and then pronouncing “Enough chatter – get this lady to the shrink!” He only gave them 15 days to have the assessment done, so I’d say it’s serious.

    So many cool words came into this story for me: Sheboygan (you just said it to yourself, didn’t you ;), mayhem (just an awesome word – invokes visions of all kinds of insanity), toilet and tongue (these two really shouldn’t be used together in a sentence). It was a ball to write, and I am glad to be back from the Islands.


  3. deadmyron says:

    Welcome home, Laz. Great write-up, too. I laughed through the whole thing. Keep track of this one for me, will ya? I’m single again.


  4. thinkgoat says:

    Thanks for the call saying you were back, asshole. BUT, this story makes up for it. Once I sounded out “Eye ong wa bi’n op”, I about pissed myself. Great write-up.


  5. brody says:

    Wow!!!! I can’t even think of anything else to say the pic says it all.



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