Seneca, South Carolina Police got lucky in a way when they responded to a 911 report of a burglary occurring at a private residence. Lucky because they didn’t have to look far for the “alleged” perpetrator. When they arrived, they found 31-year-old Noah Smith lying nekkid on the floor of the doorway, sunny side up. Their luck quickly ran dry when they thought this would be an easy apprehension. They learned a valuable lesson: people who would break into a place buttass naked are probably not right in the head and one should proceed with caution. Me? I’ve covered enough of these stories to know “peeled” antics most often include drug use of some form. Which again, one should proceed with caution. Be prepared. And for God’s sake, carry elephant tranquilizer, tasers don’t affect these wild creatures.
What makes these idiots rip their clothes off before they commit a crime is beyond me but it seems to be an epidemic that’s plagued our men and women in blue for the last couple of years. And why is it 99% of the perps are the polar opposite of who you wouldn’t mind apprehending while in the buff?
Back to Noah in all his glory. Cops show up. He’s face down and naked in the doorway but just as police think they’d approach and slap some cuffs on him, the freak-show jumps up and slaps one of the deputies. I bet they all fucking jumped! The deputy pulled his taser and shot the beast but instead of hitting the ground, where they originally found him, he gave them a chase through the house.
Calling for reinforcement, the authorities finally met up with Smith again in the victim’s bedroom. There they were, faced with his jiggling junk as he stood on the bed completely unwilling to stop the festivities any time soon. An officer was able to sneak up behind him and slap the cuffs on but as soon as he did, Smith jumped off the bed like some superhero administering some kicking maneuver toward his would-be captors and made his escape once more.
Now look. Unless this house was massive, how in the hell does one naked idiot give chase in a house? Unarmed? To more than one officer? With weapons?
The taser didn’t work. They tried using pepper-spray when he started kicking at them. Un-fazed, Naked Noah gave chase again. But the cops, resorting to pure hunting mode, were finally able to gang tackle him by throwing a blanket over his head and beating him with their billy-clubs. They should have opted for that instead of the pepper-spray. If up to 150,000 volts of electricity aren’t going to take him down, pepper-spray is going to be like giving him a mint to suck on to soothe his cotton-mouth. A blanket to blind him (and keep him from spitting and biting) and a few paddy wackers beating down on him would be my option, for sure. At least they stunned him enough to slap leg-irons on then connect the two sets of cuffs (hands and legs) until he was securely hog-tied.
But they missed something noteworthy when they originally found him on the floor and in each encounter thereafter.
Noah Smith was taken to the hospital suspected of being on drugs. That’s when it was noticed. Not by the cops. Nope. They had other things on their mind. The discovery was made by the medical personnel. They’re geared that way. And what was it the cops missed the whole time? The tail. Sticking out his ass. Don’t worry, the x-rays they took showed the tail belonged to the mouse that was all cuddled up and dead in that warm dark tunnel.
Since Noah claims he doesn’t remember much we’re left to wonder if some poor house mouse was scurrying to avoid the abundance of rapidly moving feet and ended up this guy’s ass when he fell…OR Noah shoved this rodent up his pooper as some form sex act…or plug. Maybe to stop the flow of butt gravy, left the tail so it’d be easier to pull him out once the urge to shit on a constant basis passed. Makes perfect sense to me.
After the exam, and I presume the recovery of the rodent, Noah was released into custody of the police department, into jail, and charged with resisting arrest, 1st and 3rd degree assault a battery charges, and indecent exposure.
What? No illegal entry charge? No animal cruelty? Mice have feelings too.