Martin Matthew Hemby Is a Shutterbug

Posted: August 11, 2010 by Lazlo in Arrested, Crime
Tags: , , , , , ,

By Lazlo

San Antonio, Texas Here’s a lighthearted story concerning an All-American boy and his photography hobby. According to police, Martin Matthew Hemby was pursuing his interests in capturing real life when he ran afoul of his subjects ideas of “decency” and “personal privacy”. He was arrested for taking pictures with his cell phone up a womans skirt. For the second time in two weeks!

In local reports, a 40-year-old woman told police that she was browsing the greeting card section at Wal-Mart, when she noticed that our boy was kneeling down behind her, and appeared to be taking pictures with his cell phone. She slugged him in the chest, and asked him just what the in hell he was doing. She said that he was laughing, and that he showed her his phone.

Jesus. This young man has some balls. Balls, that for reasons we can probably guess, are seriously under-utilized; but balls none-the-less. I mean, what kind of unrepentant pervert sneaks his filthy pictures, and then shows them off to his victim? Does he have no shame? No sense of embarrassment? If this doesn’t fall under the definition of sociopath, I’m not sure what does.

And get this! It is his second offense in as many weeks! This little bastard was just busted on July 23 for the very same offense, at that very store. On that occasion, he admitted to the police that he took the “photos under the dresses of unsuspecting women for his own personal gratification,”

What is it exactly, about Sam Walton’s legacy, that brings out the freaks? Seriously? A trip to my local Super Center is analogous to a trip to the circus. I spend most of my time gawking at the side-shows. It’s better than Springer.

Martin Matthew Hemby was charged with improper photography. Sounds like he set his F-Stop wrong doesn’t it?And in a classic case of judicial what-the-fuck, Mr. Hemby’s bail was set at $5,000. That seems about right for this type of offense, until you consider that the bond for his first alleged crime was set at $10,000. What is this, a fuck up once, get your second fuck-up for half price?

He has made bond, and no doubt is again out practicing his craft. So ladies, take your mothers advice, and don’t leave the house without clean underwear.

  1. thinkgoat says:

    Hmmm, all this time I thought these guys were legitimate when they dropped shit on the floor by me. Now I don’t feel so bad purposefully stepping on it.


  2. deadmyron says:

    Laz…I always laugh at your first sentence, because I KNOW you’re getting ready to tear some ass.

    I think this chap could do with a few meds…oh, and an ass whipping wouldn’t be out of the question. They could get some local sports hero to turn this fucker over his knee and whip him with a paddle. Do it at the Wal-Mart. They could sell hot dogs and shit.

    Sorry I’m rambling…I snorted a toilet cake earlier and I think I got the wrong brand.


  3. ravenblackehart says:

    I doesn’t help that there are numerous “upskirt” sites and such is portrayed to young guys as cool and something to aspire to. Then reality hits…He kinda looks like he has the IQ of a sweet potato anyway.


  4. Lanie Dudek says:

    Too funny and this is the exact type of people who frequent our wally world. Sweet potatoes!!


  5. interesting says:

    I snorted a toilet cake earlier and I think I got the wrong brand.



  6. ravenblackehart says:

    That’s his best “I’m a badass” expression. It just manages to be “I’m an ass.”


  7. Lynn says:

    He should of joined forces with the sperm dude! They could have made it in the whole with this dudes efforts.


  8. thinkgoat says:

    “I snorted a toilet cake earlier and I think I got the wrong brand.”

    Jesus. You didn’t try that recycled shit, did you?


  9. Lazlo says:

    DEADMYRON! You asshole!! My sinuses are screaming, I can’t stop the blood, and I think I have shit myself. You have got to be more specific when mentioning the cool shit you do, because when I try it, it always blows up in my face – or in this case, my nose.

    I stole the cake from the urinal at work, thinking I would get an extra kick from the drugs in my co-workers piss, but it was OBVIOUSLY the wrong brand. I can’t see to type, I think the blood is running out of my ear now, and I am pretty sure, by the smell of things, that I have befouled myself. Am goint to the ER now. Thanks Buddy…



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