Mike Edwards Spreads His Seed

Posted: August 3, 2010 by Marshall Parks in Aggravated Indecent Assault, Assault, Crime, Just Messed Up
Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

By:  Deadmyron

Gaithersburg, MD. Here stands little Mikey Edwards in the Giant grocery store in Gaithersburg. He’s got his little shopping basket on his arm. He’s got…well fuck it, you see what I’m getting at, right? He looks like your typical American male getting ready to do some shopping for his ailing mother, or perhaps picking up some cold medicine for a sick child at home. Actually, Mikey has a much more sinister mission. He’s waiting for his next victim. Now, I sometimes read about a criminal and wonder what the fuck is this person’s motivation. This is one such story.

On July 15th, a woman leaving a Giant supermarket felt something hit her back and saw Mikey right behind her, she watched Mikey make good his escape by fleeing in a gray vehicle. The substance turned out to be *fanfare* semen! Police were called and the search was on. Mikey managed to elude the long arm of the law for two weeks, but thanks to some keen police work, Mikey was arrested on July 29th. The Gaithersburg area was fortunately unaware of such a madman in their midst until Mikey was safe behind bars. Imagine the ensuing panic!

Just let me interject a personal thought here. I know there are simple ways now to determine the substance was semen. There’s even ways to tell beyond all doubt who the little wigglies belong to. In my mind, a vignette emerged of a hard-core cop cutting open a bag of white powder, dabbing in his pinky and sticking it to his tongue. “It’s heroin alright,” the hard-core cop says somberly. I think you get the idea, right?

Now Mikey’s means of distributing his pecker snot was via a container with a little finger pump; like one would find on a bottle of hand sanitizer. Being the curious man that I am, I devised my own little test with an empty bottle and some egg whites. You know, you have to have a certain amount of liquid in those things before they’ll even start working. I wonder how many squirts it took him to even get it to that point? It took me half an egg.

Mikey was subsequently arrested for another attack, which occurred in November of 2009 at a local craft store. In that case, a woman noticed Mikey following her through the aisles of Michael’s Craft Store. He got up right behind her and she felt something hit her back. Now comes my favorite sentence from the article I read about the case:  “The subject then left the store without making a purchase.” What? He didn’t make a purchase?! What the fuck? It’s one thing to walk in a store and start slinging your altar boy soup all over the store, but then he has the audacity to leave without purchasing anything? Plain un-American. Mikey was charged with assault on the two cases and his bond was set at a meager $4,000 dollars. That’s about .000097% per sperm.

My primary concern here is why Mikey feels the need to distribute his semen in such a fashion. Although not a victimless crime, it was thankfully benign compared to some other sexual sickos I’ve read about, but he certainly needs to be examined by a professional. These two assaults were definitely sexual in nature and may only be one of many sick fantasies. Montgomery County Police are looking for other charges against him, to once again get him off the streets. Hopefully, the DA can find a felony charge, or something to keep him in jail for a while.

Without mental help, Mikey is going to continue to have *ahem* issues. My opinion is his crimes will escalate and time will find Mikey perched on a water tower, wearing a tutu and holding a Super Soaker and then, God help us all.

Source 1 Source 2

  1. thinkgoat says:

    I laughed from start to finish, dead dude. And not just a chuckle, but a scare the herd kind of laughter. This is going down as one of my favorite stories of all time!

    We’re so fortunate to have your wonderfully sick talents here.


  2. Lynn says:

    Lmfao! Who knew stores would have to post “watch out for flying sperm” signs.


  3. thinkgoat says:

    Gives a whole new meaning to “Come Back” hahahahahaaa!


  4. Lynn says:



  5. critkal_rn says:

    Ok, I’m not your normal mom. I’ve been around the block a few times, ok, more than a few times. I also have a nursing degree and was an ICU supervisor and so with that, I have dealt with more than my fair share of psycho’s, so when I say WHAT THE FUCK, I do so as an educated individual.

    I have always thought the purpose of the little swimmers was to procreate, your DNA mark on the world or bedsheets, whichever you prefer. I mean really, I do not understand the fun of spritzing someone with your little soldiers and let’s be adults here, sane adults, sex is fun and sex leads to the soldiers. SO, I think Mikey should have a chitty chat with a REALLY good shrink and share with him just WHY the method of sharing his DNA is so much fun for him. Hell, I think even Freud would be interested. I’m thinking good ole hey Mikey he likes it had some very fucked up parents. Maybe Mikey’s walked in on his folks doing it doggie style and well dad did the pull out method as not to create another Mikey. Inquiring minds want to know. And I’ll call you a bald faced liar if you say you don’t!


  6. interesting says:

    From the sound of it, in order to fill a little squirt bottle, Mikey must have a lot of extra time on his hand (or a milking machine). Just think how many squirt bottles he could fill during a lengthy jail stay.


  7. Lanie Dudek says:

    I love how little Mikey is holding the shopping basket. Kinda like a purse or something. Wonder if his boyfriend knows what he does during the day.


  8. susie says:

    This is the first site I ever posted on and that was for Mayra C.
    I want to say THANK YOU I am laughing my ass off and after a week like I had last week I needed a good laugh.Look at the grin on his face my dad use to say “shit eaten grin” Thanks again for the laugh …..I will put this site in my favorates.Susie


  9. susie says:

    Ooppssss favorites


  10. Lazlo says:

    LOL @ Lanie. I’m sure he keeps this a secret from his boyfriend. He tells him he needs his spunk for “nutritional supplements” in his breakfast drink 🙂

    Welcome to the site Susie. Deadmyron has a gift. I’m glad you decided to stick around.


  11. deadmyron says:

    I’ve been experimenting a little more. It is very hard to dispense one’s seed into a 1/2″ opening while simultaneously flogging one’s log.

    Perhaps even more difficult is explaining to your girlfriend what you are doing. She suggested using a funnel, which worked very well; even without her help.

    I am now in the process of making the most insalubrious water balloon in the history of mankind.


  12. Evil Twin Jess says:

    Thanks for figuring out the logistics of this for us, Deadmyron. These are the type of questions I need answers to when I read a story like this. The “why” questions we will probably never be able to learn, but if the “how” can be answered, it should. Next on the list: How many deposits does it take to fill the bottle enough for the pump to operate, and does the bottle need to be stored at room temperature or in the refrigerator to maintain consistency? I’m trying to figure out just how long Mikey had to be planning these little attacks before one could actually be carried out.


  13. thinkgoat says:

    Police: More semen-spreader victims

    Detectives investigating the activities of Michael Wayne Edwards Jr. — currently charged with squirting semen from a bottle onto two female shoppers in Montgomery County — have three additional cases, Gaithersburg police said today.

    Edwards was arrested two weeks ago in connection with a July 15 case at a Giant food store, on Muddy Branch Road in Gaithersburg.

    That led detectives to link him to a semen-squirting case at a Michael’s from last November.

    Now, Gaithersburg police say, they found three additional cases — at the same Giant — on July 2 and July 8. In each case, Edwards appears to have used a bottle to squirt the semen on the shoppers, said Officer Dan Lane, a Gaithersburg police spokesman.

    Edwards, who had been free on bond, turned himself in today on the three latest charges, officials said.

    Detectives said if any one may have been a victim of such a crime to call 301-258-6400.




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