Gaithersburg, MD. Here stands little Mikey Edwards in the Giant grocery store in Gaithersburg. He’s got his little shopping basket on his arm. He’s got…well fuck it, you see what I’m getting at, right? He looks like your typical American male getting ready to do some shopping for his ailing mother, or perhaps picking up some cold medicine for a sick child at home. Actually, Mikey has a much more sinister mission. He’s waiting for his next victim. Now, I sometimes read about a criminal and wonder what the fuck is this person’s motivation. This is one such story.
On July 15th, a woman leaving a Giant supermarket felt something hit her back and saw Mikey right behind her, she watched Mikey make good his escape by fleeing in a gray vehicle. The substance turned out to be *fanfare* semen! Police were called and the search was on. Mikey managed to elude the long arm of the law for two weeks, but thanks to some keen police work, Mikey was arrested on July 29th. The Gaithersburg area was fortunately unaware of such a madman in their midst until Mikey was safe behind bars. Imagine the ensuing panic!
Just let me interject a personal thought here. I know there are simple ways now to determine the substance was semen. There’s even ways to tell beyond all doubt who the little wigglies belong to. In my mind, a vignette emerged of a hard-core cop cutting open a bag of white powder, dabbing in his pinky and sticking it to his tongue. “It’s heroin alright,” the hard-core cop says somberly. I think you get the idea, right?
Now Mikey’s means of distributing his pecker snot was via a container with a little finger pump; like one would find on a bottle of hand sanitizer. Being the curious man that I am, I devised my own little test with an empty bottle and some egg whites. You know, you have to have a certain amount of liquid in those things before they’ll even start working. I wonder how many squirts it took him to even get it to that point? It took me half an egg.
Mikey was subsequently arrested for another attack, which occurred in November of 2009 at a local craft store. In that case, a woman noticed Mikey following her through the aisles of Michael’s Craft Store. He got up right behind her and she felt something hit her back. Now comes my favorite sentence from the article I read about the case: “The subject then left the store without making a purchase.” What? He didn’t make a purchase?! What the fuck? It’s one thing to walk in a store and start slinging your altar boy soup all over the store, but then he has the audacity to leave without purchasing anything? Plain un-American. Mikey was charged with assault on the two cases and his bond was set at a meager $4,000 dollars. That’s about .000097% per sperm.
My primary concern here is why Mikey feels the need to distribute his semen in such a fashion. Although not a victimless crime, it was thankfully benign compared to some other sexual sickos I’ve read about, but he certainly needs to be examined by a professional. These two assaults were definitely sexual in nature and may only be one of many sick fantasies. Montgomery County Police are looking for other charges against him, to once again get him off the streets. Hopefully, the DA can find a felony charge, or something to keep him in jail for a while.
Without mental help, Mikey is going to continue to have *ahem* issues. My opinion is his crimes will escalate and time will find Mikey perched on a water tower, wearing a tutu and holding a Super Soaker and then, God help us all.