Elizabeth Breeden Won’t be Breedin’ Anytime Soon

By Lazlo

Land O’ Lakes, Florida Ah, love! It springs eternal. Two lost souls find each other in this cold, heartless world and join together to present a united front. They share and share alike; rent money, food stamps, bus vouchers, personal hygiene products. Each is happy to sacrifice for the others well being. The spirit of giving extends to every aspect of the new couples lives, except for… the last beer!

Elizabeth Breeden is in trouble again for whooping up on her new old-man. He told police that they had hooked up in February, and moved in together in May. Seems like they were getting to know each other pretty well by now. And that lazy, ungrateful bastard had the unmitigated temerity to be sucking down the last Natural Light in the house. Sounds like the honeymoon is over.

According to the St. Petersburg Times, Lizzie’s boyfriend was sitting in his chair last Wednesday evening, sipping on a beer. The last beer. You have to question the dude’s intelligence.  You saw the picture at the top, right? It would take a mighty man indeed to deprive that of something it wanted. And the she-beast wanted the last beer.  So did he realize his mistake, and hand it over? Maybe offer to share it, and get a clean canning jar for her? Hell, no. Dude defied her! So she decided to take it. And here is your first clue that things are going to turn out badly for our hero: she lashed out to grab it, he held on, and she tore the fucking can IN HALF! Yeeeee Gods!

So the boyfriend, realizing that he was woefully out-gunned, mumbled an apology and offered to go get her some more…  HE WHAT? Oh dear. This idiot decided that this was the time to assert his masculinity, and he stood up from his chair. Darling Elizabeth was having none of his manly preening though. She simply slapped his ass down, and kicked him in the nuts.

I can imaging that it was difficult for him to dial 911, and even harder to speak to the dispatcher, as he lay in a puddle and made fish-mouth faces. When officers arrived on the scene, Elizabeth tried to tell them that it was she that was being abused, and that her boyfriend had dumped beer on her and kicked her. They didn’t buy it, and arrested Ms. Breeden. For those in the know, you are already realizing that this guy must have been fucked up pretty bad, because it is almost always the man that is carted away on a domestic call; you know, women being the wilting lilies and men being the natural aggressors and all that bullshit. Only in the presence of iron-clad evidence does the woman get taken away. I’m just guessing here, knowing the typical response time for a cop to a domestic call, that our buddies nuts had a chance to swell to note-worthy size, and that her slap left a hell of a mark. I’m just working off of the mugshot here, and extrapolating the damage. Besides – she tore a fucking beer can in half! I’m picturing more than enough evidence for the cops.

They call this Beer? Whatthefuckever

This is not sweet Elizabeth’s first time in the hoosegow. She has been arrested 18 times – yep, thats eighteen – since 1999, on charges ranging from possession of coke to shoplifting to fraud. She lists her occupation as “dancer”, but again, I’m looking at the mug, and guessing that means “whore”. Who would want to watch that thing dance? And a starving whore to boot, because who would want to fuck it. And everything points to a lack of income. I mean who gets violent over the last Natural Light? That shit is one step up from recycled piss water, and about the cheapest beer-like product you can buy. Going all Xena: Warrior Princess for a Guinness is one thing, but for a Natural Light? Naw. These folks are hard up, and willing to fight for the trace amount of alcohol contained in the fine American beverage.

As of Thursday, Breeden was being held at the Pasco County jail in lieu of $1,000 bail, on the charge of domestic battery. Some advice for the boyfriend – use this time to find yourself some new digs. Because, when that thing gets out of the county jail, it ain’t gonna be happy. Just sayin’, Dude.

Source