Gilbert Garrett Gets a Little Wonky With Willy

Posted: June 14, 2010 by thinkgoat in Crime, Indecent Exposure
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

By ThinkGoat

Iowa City, Iowa This story immediately made me think about the lost art of “pick-up” lines. Now they’re all lame because they’re so unoriginal and stale. Then I thought back on a friend of mine who was king of opportunity and extremely quick on his feet. As we were standing out back of a local establishment, this made-up young girl in a tight short skirt and high heels started approaching the back door. My witty friend quickly met her at the door, jimmied his way between the girl and the doorway, looked her up one side and down the other, got a huge smile on his face and said, “how much?” She left. I laughed. Like I said, it’s a long forgotten art form. Now horny and lonely people have taken to non-verbal communications, which is an art in and of itself. We now have “come ons” in bathrooms that need no words – like in the case of the US Senator Larry Craig, who slid his foot under the adjoining bathroom stall playing footsie with the unsuspecting dude next door. Who knew that was nonverbal for, “hey, wanna get it on”? In my time, it meant, “hey, pass over some toilet paper”. Knowing that action could be taken a couple of different ways, our newest perp decided to take all the guess-work out of his intentions as he went looking for love in the mall’s restroom.

Who would be offended by this cute old man coming onto them? Well, at least one man did when he was washing his hands and happened to glance in the mirror to allegedly find Gilbert gazing upon him. With his pants unzipped. Waiting.

Perhaps Gilbert really had to go, had taken his dick out to squeeze it until the other guy had left the room. Performance anxiety. Yeah, that’s the ticket. But of course, if your need to piss has gotten to the point of needing to clamp down on the thing until you can make it to some porcelain, I doubt very seriously there’d be a smile on your face but rather a fierce grimace. And I doubt having to piss that bad would promote a hard-on nor the need to start wanking and winking. Which allegedly is what this 74-year-old did.

“Are you coming onto me?” the “victim” asked. And with that very distinct nonverbal means of communication, Gilbert continued to stroke his genius, smiled, and winked. It didn’t get him far. What’s with recipients these days? Have they no appreciation for creativity?

The “victim” contacted the police and Gilbert Garrett was questioned. He denied being in the restroom. Well, then he changed his story to being in the restroom but denied even having a dick. Okay, he didn’t really go that far in his denial but he did deny any wrong-doing. Perhaps he wasn’t aware there was something illegal about showing how one’s hand slides back and forth over an erect penis while smiling and winking at another man. In public. Maybe it’s legal in Nebraska, where Gilbert resides.

Gilbert Garrett is facing a charge of indecent exposure, “a serious misdemeanor”. By looking at his mug shot, I don’t think he’s all that worried about the charge. He looks pretty pleased with himself. I’m sure he’s tickled he can still get the fucker up and wankable.


  1. Lazlo says:

    I’m thinking the victim must have a few issues as well. I mean come on! Tell your friends about the old freak in the shitter and everyone laughs hysterically. Why the fuck run to the cops? It wasn’t like the unmasked wanker was trying to rape him. Maybe someone is a little insecure with their sexuality – a trait that made Gilbert come on to him to begin with 😉


  2. Evil Twin Jess says:

    Bahaha I think you’re right. It’s like calling a guy a fag… it only really bothers the one’s who are afraid it might be true. 😉


  3. peeperann says:

    Ah Jess, let’s not use the word ‘fag’. Or i’ll just try to not take offense. My youngest son is gay.

    And really, I probably would have called the police too. What if the next person in there had been a young boy? We wouldn’t be laughing then. It happens all too often. Too many parents let their young kids go into public bathrooms by themselves and that’s just stupid.

    So I say good for the guy calling the po-po!

    And Gilbert? Really? In a public restroom? From the looks of you, you’re gonna have to pay for it….


  4. thinkgoat says:

    Peep, there’s gay and there’s fag. I know plenty of both.

    While you make a valid point with turning the tables on if this had happened to a juvenile, I’m a firm believer there are those who have an affinity for younger victims and they rarely cross over to adults. There are many more places for child sex-offender-wanna-bes to hang out to attract and stalk the younglings. Park Port-o-Potties, McDonalds, etc. I think Gilbert was just a horny old man looking for a little adult action…or perhaps was simply testing how well his Viagra prescription was working before he had his date that evening with the corner prostitute!


  5. Lazlo says:

    “To protect the little children” is an argument used all too often by those who are fearful or tyrannical – and I can’t abide either. If he had been swinging his wang at a child then by all means report him. (Even better: kick the holy shit out of him, then report him 😉 ). But it is a sign of a less than manly individual that runs and tattles because his delicate sensibilities have been offended. I have to disagree with you Peep – dude is a douche.


  6. deadmyron says:

    This is why I always carry a preset rat trap into a public restroom. Severe penis trauma gets a fella to thinkin’. It does give me hope for the future in a twisted way…I may have a sex drive when I’m 74. 🙂


  7. thinkgoat says:

    How many times have you personally set the fucker off, dead dude?


  8. peeperann says:

    Too true TG and Lazlo. My first instinct is to think of what COULD happen, and as you well know, I always think of kids first.

    And true gay vs fag. Fag is just a term I happen to hate, but really don’t that much offense.

    As for hope for a sex drive at 74? I’m pretty sure the pharmaceutical companies will have you covered Dead, I happen to work in that field. LOL

    As for Gilbert, like I said before, I believe he’s going to have to pay for it, I mean look at him….


  9. Evil Twin Jess says:

    Please don’t take offense at my use of the term, Peeperann. I used the inflamatory term for gay intentionally because of the context I was using it in. Meaning the guy being called “fag” would be homophobic in the most literal sense of the word. I would never use that word in a derogatory way towards any gay person. Then again like TG said, there’s gay and there’s fag.

    The point was, though, I have found that the men who most vocally object to being called gay in any way, are often the least comfortable with their own sexuality. Men, straight or gay, who are comfortable as such, don’t usually become irate at someone insinuating they might be gay.


  10. peeperann says:

    Thanks Jess, and really, no offense taken. I too believe the ones who are most vocal are unsure of their sexuality. I’ve met plenty!! 🙂


  11. Kuriko89 says:

    I’m sorry I just found the whole story funny. I was a cashier at Walmart and always seemed to get the older men in my line. There was one who asked me for my number and asked me out twice. I just laughed. I took it lightly as his son who was almost always with him told me to just ignore it. I’m not by any means attractive, but others seem to think I am in that geeky way I suppose. (Although my hubbs is the geek here truly. I was an outsider at school and a proud one.) Eh, who cares really? He is obviously a really happy older man who happens to like men. So? There are plenty of older gays out there. Bring ’em on! Ya gotta love ’em! (I love gays. My favorite brother is gay and amazing, then i have 2 other friends, wait make that 3. steph and lea just got married. I don’t love them simply BECAUSE they are gay, its because my friends have a certain high on life that seems to be contagious.)
    The guy needs to laugh it off, it coulda been worse. MUCH worse. *winks



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