By Lazlo
Bridgeport, Texas When thinking about the worlds most dangerous jobs, does Security Guard ever come to mind? Doesn’t for me either. In fact, the mental images that come to the surface when contemplating that position are of elderly, overweight men, or scrawny, pimple faced cop-wannabes who’s sole purpose is to let law-abiding folk like myself know that we can’t park “there”. We have all seen them; eyes perpetually glazed over from the excitement of it all; cookie and bread crumbs on the front of their uniforms from the last snack break. These guys yearn for any form of excitement. Catching the odd shoplifter is the highlight of their week. The adrenaline rush, the radio comms, the ball crunching that results from a resisting suspect. Wait. Back up. Ball crunching?
Our Hero!
That is what happened to an unnamed security guard for the Red Bird Home Depot. According to the accusations, Robin Regina Roberts was trying to leave the store with $600 worth of tools that she didn’t pay for. Our hero – we’ll call him Barney – was on that shit.
As he tried to stop her, she allegedly pushed him. A struggle then ensued in which she grabbed Barney’s boys, squeezed and twisted. Now that’s something you won’t see on Deadliest Catch. Still thinking a security guard’s job is gravy? After what I have to imagine was a blood curdling scream, and an undignified show of the fish-mouth face, Robin broke away and pulled a pocket knife.
You don't fuck with Bruce
That’s when our hero Barney knocked the fucking knife out of her hands! Now I don’t know about you folks, but when my ‘nads are assaulted, I tend to roll around on the ground for a while until my vision returns. But this guy, through what must have been sheets of agony generated tears, managed to Bruce Lee the weapon from the unskinny bitch’s hand! This Bud’s for you, Barney!
"Good morning, lover"
Ms. Roberts, and I am assuming the ‘Ms.’ courtesy title because, lets face it, who would spend more than a reeeeallly drunk one night stand with this pig (Looks over after awakening from blackout drunk: “Whoa! What happened to that smokin’ hot chick I was scammin’ on last night?”), was originally charged with aggravated robbery. It has since been reduced to robbery. No word on the reason for the change.
Being a convicted felon, her bail has been set at $200,000. Thats like 333 1/3 trips to the Home Depot, assuming she can fence the shit at full price.
Crime Crawlers 
Hilarious write-up Lazlo.
I probably would have taken one look at that hambeast stepping toward me, shit myself and turned to run the other way. Well, maybe not turned my back on that thing. There’s some forms of ugly you just can’t stop looking at, no matter how hard you try. But I sure the hell wouldn’t have stood there waiting for hand-to-ball combat, that’s for sure! Fuck it – Makoomba can have the $600 in tools. He could have made that shit up by selling sperm and paying the store back. Now he’s just screwed.
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TG – I’m thinking he dropped his one bullet, and by the time he looked up, he was trapped! Poor bastard. And either he has a set of cast brass ones, or there really wasn’t much there to damage.
I recall a news report from many years ago about a potential rapist that was thwarted when granny (yes, he was trying to rape granny – sick fuck!) grabbed a hold of his business and twisted. Dude begged to be let go, but she continued to twist and didn’t let up till she had kicked him out of her house. He was still rolling in the grass when the cops arrived. That is the potential of such an attack. Barney was either lucky she didn’t get a good grip, or unfortunate to the point of actively seeking a sex change. Anyone’s guess.
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Hey Laz, did you have the same look on your face doing the write-up as I did while reading? Men always get that look when reading about injured nuts. Great article, man.
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I know the look. And it had to be on my face. Can you imagine your heirlooms being in the sweaty grasp of that? (Actually, I just did, and became disturbingly aroused O_o) I am wondering if this trauma is going to set off a strange and unnatural fetish in poor old Barney?
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I guess he shouldn’t of touched her
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