Bridgeport, Texas When thinking about the worlds most dangerous jobs, does Security Guard ever come to mind? Doesn’t for me either. In fact, the mental images that come to the surface when contemplating that position are of elderly, overweight men, or scrawny, pimple faced cop-wannabes who’s sole purpose is to let law-abiding folk like myself know that we can’t park “there”. We have all seen them; eyes perpetually glazed over from the excitement of it all; cookie and bread crumbs on the front of their uniforms from the last snack break. These guys yearn for any form of excitement. Catching the odd shoplifter is the highlight of their week. The adrenaline rush, the radio comms, the ball crunching that results from a resisting suspect. Wait. Back up. Ball crunching?
That is what happened to an unnamed security guard for the Red Bird Home Depot. According to the accusations, Robin Regina Roberts was trying to leave the store with $600 worth of tools that she didn’t pay for. Our hero – we’ll call him Barney – was on that shit.
As he tried to stop her, she allegedly pushed him. A struggle then ensued in which she grabbed Barney’s boys, squeezed and twisted. Now that’s something you won’t see on Deadliest Catch. Still thinking a security guard’s job is gravy? After what I have to imagine was a blood curdling scream, and an undignified show of the fish-mouth face, Robin broke away and pulled a pocket knife.
That’s when our hero Barney knocked the fucking knife out of her hands! Now I don’t know about you folks, but when my ‘nads are assaulted, I tend to roll around on the ground for a while until my vision returns. But this guy, through what must have been sheets of agony generated tears, managed to Bruce Lee the weapon from the unskinny bitch’s hand! This Bud’s for you, Barney!
Ms. Roberts, and I am assuming the ‘Ms.’ courtesy title because, lets face it, who would spend more than a reeeeallly drunk one night stand with this pig (Looks over after awakening from blackout drunk: “Whoa! What happened to that smokin’ hot chick I was scammin’ on last night?”), was originally charged with aggravated robbery. It has since been reduced to robbery. No word on the reason for the change.
Being a convicted felon, her bail has been set at $200,000. Thats like 333 1/3 trips to the Home Depot, assuming she can fence the shit at full price.