Wenatchee, Washington I don’t know how many times I’ve had to think for the men I hang around. From Mr. Goat to my dearest male friends – it never fails, if left to their own devices, a camping trip would consist of nothing more than the vehicle taking them there because the rest had been forgotten. I don’t know if women, by large, hold the dominant gene for planning and foresight but I’ve found through personal experience, it’s a good damn thing men have us around. So that’s why running across a man who’s totally self-sufficient is such a big deal. Add in the character trait of thinking ahead and he becomes very endearing. Equally impressive is the act of carrying all the necessary items without a man purse or (as featured in the Progressive Insurance commercials) the “European Shoulder Bag”. Nope, our latest feature was able to pack the essentials he’d be needing in jail in his fanny pack…as in up his ass.
24-year-old Gavin Stanger was booked into the Chelan County Regional Justice Centre in Wenatchee Washington without incident. But due to some jealous jailer who happened to notice something foreign floating in the single cell crapper, questions started to fly as to how that mysterious non-turd came to be. The item appeared to be something wrapped in plastic with duct tape around it. I’ve eaten and shit out a lot of strange stuff in my lifetime but never have I ever laid something like that. Ever. And I always look.
Stanger had previously been convicted on a misdemeanor charge of disorderly conduct and had arranged to deliver himself to the jail in order to fulfill his sentence: three days. A long three days in jail. He needed the essentials of his every day life. So he packed them where no one dare to steal them…that is until one fell out and he got busted.
Yes, only one. It’s amazing really, that no more than one fell out – that he was able to maintain some control of his asshole after stretching it so much packing those items in there. I’m not nearly the only one impressed with his ability – the jail deputies were impressed as well.
Like a scene out of the SNL skit “Appalachian Emergency Room” where some guy makes frequent visits because he’d lodged something up his ass that he needed assistance unlodging…I’m hoping the deputies needn’t help this guy remove an ounce of tobacco, an one inch pipe, pot, a lighter, a bottle of tattoo ink, and last but not least, 8 tattoo needles. (oh, the lighter was green)! I would have been standing there clapping and shouting out requests…like a rabbit. Now THAT would have been awesome.
Judging from Stanger’s myspace page, he appears to have a fondness for fingers up the ass. God, I wonder how many dates he got? I know of a chick from Uniontown Pennsylvania that I once featured who robbed an old dude at an ATM and stashed $500 up her twat in record time as she was running away. (they found all but the remaining 1/2 of a bill). What a pair they’d make – just think of how handy they’d be to take to a concert or something. “Hey, could you smuggle in this keg for me?” I’d fucking take them everywhere. Nonetheless, Gavin was booked on an additional misdemeanor charge of introducing contraband into the jail. I’m hoping they took lots of pictures…and had them autographed. I just hope they provided their own pen.