By ThinkGoat

Wenatchee, Washington I don’t know how many times I’ve had to think for the men I hang around. From Mr. Goat to my dearest male friends – it never fails, if left to their own devices, a camping trip would consist of nothing more than the vehicle taking them there because the rest had been forgotten. I don’t know if women, by large, hold the dominant gene for planning and foresight but I’ve found through personal experience, it’s a good damn thing men have us around. So that’s why running across a man who’s totally self-sufficient is such a big deal. Add in the character trait of thinking ahead and he becomes very endearing. Equally impressive is the act of carrying all the necessary items without a man purse or (as featured in the Progressive Insurance commercials) the “European Shoulder Bag”. Nope, our latest feature was able to pack the essentials he’d be needing in jail in his fanny pack…as in up his ass.

24-year-old Gavin Stanger was booked into the Chelan County Regional Justice Centre in Wenatchee Washington without incident. But due to some jealous jailer who happened to notice something foreign floating in the single cell crapper, questions started to fly as to how that mysterious non-turd came to be. The item appeared to be something wrapped in plastic with duct tape around it. I’ve eaten and shit out a lot of strange stuff in my lifetime but never have I ever laid something like that. Ever. And I always look.

Stanger had previously been convicted on a misdemeanor charge of disorderly conduct and had arranged to deliver himself to the jail in order to fulfill his sentence: three days. A long three days in jail. He needed the essentials of his every day life. So he packed them where no one dare to steal them…that is until one fell out and he got busted.

Yes, only one. It’s amazing really, that no more than one fell out – that he was able to maintain some control of his asshole after stretching it so much packing those items in there. I’m not nearly the only one impressed with his ability – the jail deputies were impressed as well.

Like a scene out of the SNL skit “Appalachian Emergency Room” where some guy makes frequent visits because he’d lodged something up his ass that he needed assistance unlodging…I’m hoping the deputies needn’t help this guy remove an ounce of tobacco, an one inch pipe, pot, a lighter, a bottle of tattoo ink, and last but not least, 8 tattoo needles. (oh, the lighter was green)!  I would have been standing there clapping and shouting out requests…like a rabbit. Now THAT would have been awesome.

Judging from Stanger’s myspace page, he appears to have a fondness for fingers up the ass. God, I wonder how many dates he got? I know of a chick from Uniontown Pennsylvania that I once featured who robbed an old dude at an ATM and stashed $500 up her twat in record time as she was running away. (they found all but the remaining 1/2 of a bill). What a pair they’d make – just think of how handy they’d be to take to a concert or something. “Hey, could you smuggle in this keg for me?” I’d fucking take them everywhere. Nonetheless, Gavin was booked on an additional misdemeanor charge of introducing contraband into the jail. I’m hoping they took lots of pictures…and had them autographed. I just hope they provided their own pen.

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Comments
  1. crtial_rn says:

    Working in the medical field, you hear alot of strange stories of things being shoved up in crevices that they don’t belong. You know, the occasional pop bottle, brush handle, light bulb ahhh, the list is endless.

    My favorite inventive idea came one evening from a mild mannered married couple that showed up in the ER with a “slight problem”. Turns out the kids were at grannies and the couple wanted to experiment. They had heard about anal beads but neither one of them could bring themselves to go to the local sex shop and purchase these little gadgets, so being the kind of parents that think on their feet, they made their way to the craft room and toy room. Ahhh, have you thinking don’t I? Well, with some yarn and lincoln logs, yes, you read right, they got “busy”.

    Things were going well when without warning, the yarn broke. Oops, after quick count, they soon realized that there were some still up in the hubbys bun cavity. The pair tried everything they knew, suppositories, warm bath and the every popular, rectal probe. Nothing worked and that’s when the couple became mortified and admitted defeat and came into the ER. After registering with the triage nurse and seeing the doctor which was a resident. For those that don’t understand what that means, the resident realizes this is an interesting but equally dangerous case, notifies the doctor/mentor over him and that sounds the alarm for all the other residents within like a twenty mile radius. So after a parade of wanna be doc’s, they all scratch their heads and decide that it is imparative that they get a surgical consult as the lincoln logs are precariously resting on the vagus nerve which could cause a vagel response and cause the heart to brady down and well that’s not good.

    Now, if anyone has ever had to call a surgeon in the middle of the night knows that they are not the most pleasant people in the world. I would much rather deal with a bunch of headhunters. Anyway, he was informed of his case that was awaiting him and let me tell you, I cannot put in here what was said. I mean I think even TG has limits but rest assured that the good doc came in albeit cursing all the way and the embarassed man was swept off to surgery.

    You will be happy to know that three lincoln logs and some red yarn was removed without incident. The man stayed in the hospital for another day to make sure that everything was okay and he and his wife were sent home and quite wiser I mght add.

    Now, imagine the insurance claims agent that gets THAT bill!!

    Like

  2. thinkgoat says:

    Bullshit! I have no limits – write what the surgeon said, damn it! LOL

    And yeah, working in the emergency medical field does yield some rather embarrassing “things stuck in the ass” situations. The reason this story stood out was the wide assortment of items and sheer quantity.

    Like

  3. Lazlo says:

    “Hey Rocky! Wanna see me pull a rabbit outta my”…wait…What?

    Like

  4. deadmyron says:

    Gavin deserves some congratulations for the tattoo needles alone. It takes some control to keep those bastards from sticking you. But, you know what? I ain’t impressed. I once smuggled 18 ferrets into New Zealand in my cavity. Two of them woke up and were fighting all the way from Dubai. Now, that took control!!!

    Like

  5. thinkgoat says:

    LMFAO Those biting bastards just can’t be trusted. You’re lucky they had a nice comfy place up there – otherwise you could have ended up like the Chinese chef who’s eel tried to eat his way out of his ass.

    Like

  6. Karrie says:

    That is just disgusting!!! But like you said, impressive. Haha What a sicko.

    Like

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