By Lazlo

Collinsville, Illinois There are three things in this world that inspire irrational emotional outbursts: love, religion, and money. Add alcohol to any of these three, and the results are unpredictable. But you can bet that nothing good can come of it.

Take love for instance. Two people, deeply in love, can become maddened row-house street-fighters with the proper application of grape or grain – sometimes causing irreparable harm both to themselves and to their relationship. (Nah – when he gets out of jail she’ll claim she lurves him, take him back, and they’ll wait for the next round).

Money? How often have you headed out for a night with you newly cashed paycheck, only to find two dollars and thirty seven cents left wadded up in your front pocket the next morning, and your wallet or purse completely empty? Are you discovering this as you look around through crusty, swollen eyelids at a place you have never seen before that lacks a single stick of furniture? I’m sure that is a common occurrence for all of us.

And then there is religion. On it’s own it’s one of those topics that are forbidden to be discussed at your classier soirées. Social forums have special sections devoted to discussing it, complete with strict rules and heavy moderation. People go nuts, absolutely bat shit crazy, when arguing over whether or not Jesus got it on with Mary M., or if Paul was a latent pedophile. (He was a tax man after all.) At least this has been my experience. So what happens when you add alcohol? Lets just take a gander at the Neal boys.

From what I am able to gather from reports, a man called the Madison County Police at around 4 in the morning to complain that he had gotten his ass kicked.  It seems as though this unnamed victim had been opining about religion around a bonfire. He reported that three men not known to him became upset and attacked him. According to Capt. Wells of the Madison County Sheriffs Department,”The victim had started talking about religion, and the topic upset the three to the point where they jumped him and were beating him up,” Wells said. “Other witnesses back up that fact.”

Jesus loves bonfires

I really wish we had the name of this dipshit for a couple of reasons. First of all, he doesn’t know when to zip it when confronted by differing opinions on a subject as volatile as religion. As you might imagine, I have been known to express some pretty controversial opinions when intoxicated, but you have to know your audience, and have some semblance of situational awareness before launching into them. It seems that this idiot lacked both awareness and the basics of reading body language. Not good when claiming that the Bible is a collection of bogey-man stories.

Secondly, this guy is a whiner and a snitch. He opens his big mouth at a party, gets his ass whipped over it, and runs to the cops. What a girlie man. Take your fucking lumps, you sally, and learn a lesson in human nature. You want to push some guy to the point that he is ready to fight? You had better be ready to fight back! It’s also wise to size up the number of those arrayed against you before calling the local pastor a pederast.

But before I go too far, and completely blame the victim here (even if he is a douche) lets discuss his attackers. As you can tell from the mug shots, these guys are obviously accomplished biblical scholars. They were able to shred the nancy boy’s finely crafted teleological arguments with wit and biting sarcasm…    NOT!   I can imagine one of the boys asking “Is he puttin’ down Jesus, Pa?”, to which Pa replies “Grunt. I dunno. I feel inadequate, uneducated and confused. I’m gonna kick his ass!” And just like the Appalachian clans, when one Neal is in it, they all are!

I have to admit that I actually laughed at the idea of these guys engaging in religious debate. And as we all know, the last recourse (only?) open to the ignorant is violence. The only one surprised that they would lash out when out of their depth was their hapless, pink pantied victim.

Timothy A. Neal and his twin sons Timothy W. and Daniel A. were arrested on charges of felony mob action. The two boys were also charged with unlawful consumption of alcohol.  Bond was set at $30,000 each.

So there it is folks – Lazlo’s object lesson for the day. Don’t go about expounding on Catholic Priest’s preference for the blond boy child, or about the Baptist’s secret pact with the devil in the presence of sub-literate hillbillies. They don’t have the capacity to appreciate the subtle distinctions, and tend to fix things by breaking them.


  1. sassidragon says:

    “Is he puttin’ down Jesus, Pa?”, to which Pa replies “Grunt. I dunno. I feel inadequate, uneducated and confused. I’m gonna kick his ass!” oh that just about made me spew my drink all over the computer!!! And I guess there is only one type of hair cut for the neal clan? good job on the article.


  2. lazlo45 says:

    Thanks Sassi. I wonder what type of bowl they use? And do they use scissors or the sheep shears? Too many questions!


  3. thinkgoat says:

    LOVE Papa Neal’s shirt! “Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult” … yeah Timothy…that’s exactly what I thought of when I gazed upon your mug. I said, “TG, that there is one fine example of class, intelligence, and personal hygiene.”

    Being newly ordained, I had to admire the extent these three went through to have Jesus’ back. Not really. I’m sure there was some mix-up and they thought their victim was talking smack about their buddy Jesus Ramirez who sells them smart pills down at the end of the block.

    And the “twins”…holy fucking shit. Which one got the looks and which one got the brains? It’s a tight race for total fail if I’ve ever seen one…


  4. Krammmer says:

    I wonder if they are as fucking queer as they are ugly.


  5. interesting says:

    I just have to wonder if these three derelicts were to smile, would they combined have enough teeth to make one full mouth? But I suppose not having a full mouth of teeth could come in handy for them in jail.



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