Brookline, Ma. According to Brookline Police, Jon Allen has been a very naughty man. In fact, on two different occasions, Jon has been accused of driving without pants and exposing Little Jon to innocent pedestrians. In one case, it is alleged that he was masturbating. Apparently Jon’s favorite targets were little kiddies and their mothers. Jon has another problem, however, that is not quite a visible as his little playmate: Jon can not tell a lie for shit! I hate people like that!
Police had enough evidence to arrest Jon on the two aforementioned crimes he allegedly committed, but they are wondering if perhaps he is responsible for other reports of lewd behavior around local schools over the past few months. During Jon’s arrest, his Honda Civic was searched and some notable items were confiscated. A pair of binoculars, which makes me wonder just how little is Little Jon? A few female nudie pictures, a brown skirt, and a pair of panty hose with the crotch cut out. The latter being the most intriguing to me.
Jon was quick to explain that it was all just a big misunderstanding. You see, poor Jon works in a refrigerated building all day. He finds it most uncomfortable to leave work and climb in his baking hot car. In order to keep Little Jon nice and cool, he would drive naked from the waist down. And hey, John wasn’t pounding the old pud, he was simply covering up while he changed pants. That is Jon’s story and he’s sticking to it.
As a man, I find it very uncomfortable to have my junk get all cold. Things have a tendency to escape toward the warmer climes of my torso. I don’t think I’m much different (physically) than most men and that’s why I have a little trouble accepting Jon’s story. Still, Jon repeated the story to WHDH TV reporters when asked. Sadly, Jon did refuse to answer questions about the other interesting articles found in his vehicle. He turned away from the camera and went inside his house.
When Jon’s lovely and faithful wife met the reporters at the door, she provided the excuse that Jon lacked: “I’m a woman,” Mrs. Allen told the reporter. “I know a skirt is a heck of a lot- h-h-h- a lot cooler than a tight pair of pants on a hot day.” Well said, Mrs. Allen. Well said.
I personally don’t give a fuck one way or another about the binoculars, or nudie pictures, but I am dying to hear the reason for the crotchless panty hose. Perhaps the answer lies with the little Missus. That really bugs me. The police are more interested in the prior incidents at the local schools and they’re looking at Jon as a possible suspect.
If Jon had thought up some better lies… for instance: “Well officer, I dropped a cigarette butt in my lap, what would you do?” Or maybe, “I wasn’t masturbating, Officer. I was using my pee hole to lip synch with the song on the radio.” Perhaps I would buy that, but come on…”my dick is hot?”
I understand that under U.S. law, a person is innocent until otherwise proven. But, with these lousy lies he’s spouting, it’s pretty hard to remain unbiased. If Jon is found guilty, then I would be pretty convinced that he is good for the past crimes no one has been charged with. Either that, or there is a fuckload of refrigerated buildings in the Brookline area. That’s what I’m thinking.
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