Pensacola, Florida As I sit here and write this article, the rest of the cool people are hanging in my old stomping grounds soaking up the sun, the breeze, and digging their toes in the pristine white sand beaches of Gulf Shores, Alabama while listening to today’s line-up. Yeah, I tried to escape this shitty weather by entering a contest for a 3-day pass to The Hangout’s Music Festival through Coast 360 but they really hate Northerners. (That’s my story and I’m sticking to it) Actually it came down to drawing a name out of the hat but I’m convinced they used the wrong one. Nonetheless, today wraps up a weekend of unbelievable musical talent that rocked the little coastal community I used to call home. Keller Williams, Alison Krauss and Union Station, Ben Harper, Trey Anastasio, Gov’t Mule, and about 30+ other bands are jamming their asses off where Hwy 59 runs into the water and I’m sitting in my living room watching Scooby doo. I could very easily be smashed on margaritas, donating to the Hangout’s mounting heap of money – all of which is being turned back in to the regional plight that lingers off the shores of this little slice of paradise. The oil spill. Not one penny is being made from this 3-day bash – the proceeds are being used by those who are fighting to preserve the coast line. And as I sit here anxiously awaiting introducing our latest idiot, I can’t help but wonder, since she’s so close to Gulf Shores, if she’d decided to hoard her crack and waited to sell it at the music festival instead of the undercover cop, if she would have been able to maintain her chosen lifestyle instead of facing some jail time.
87-year-old Ola Mae Agee has found herself in a little bit of trouble when an undercover narcotics officer allegedly knocked upon her back door, entered the house, and bought $20 worth of crack cocaine from this little entrepreneur. I can’t help but wonder if knocking upon the front door would have yielded you the word of the Lord and the back door the devil’s goodies or how this shit works. She’s located in the “bible-belt” for crying out loud.
Escambia County authorities had Ola Mae’s home on Dr. Martin Luther King Drive under surveillance for a while before they decided to bust granny because you know, she just looks like a major trafficker, doesn’t she? Actually by looking at her mug shot, she appears to be telling that no-good piece of shit officer snapping the photo, to go ’round back and fetch her a switch so she can tan their hides – she’s got that look. ‘Boy, you best not fuck ’round with me, I’ll whip da shit right off you.’
So the officer knocked, Ola let him in, and she fetched the $20 rock from her couch. What happened to the old bitches fetching shit from their bras? Did they all die out? You remember, don’t you? If you ever needed a kleenex around a grandma, they’d reach down into their sagging tits and pull out. Need a dollar bill for the collection plate, fetch that money from their tits. Need a uzi? Fetch that shit from their tits. Those things used to be magical – being able to produce everything under the sun…except for that switch.
Ola Mae was booked and jailed for one felony count of selling cocaine. Jailed for a short time – she met the magistrate and was released on her own recognizance due to her age. Well that and I imagine that mouth of hers never quit muttering shit under her breath. Too bad this isn’t her first run-in with selling drugs, she pleaded “no contest” back in ’96 for charges of manufacturing drugs with the intent to sell and was placed on two years probation.
Those Southern black women are some of my most favorite people on Earth. Crack selling from under the cushions or not, they’re just fucking awesome. They’ll put a hurtin’ on you before you even realize it. Except for Ola – I think her days of whooping will be put on hold for a bit now…unless you’re the unfortunate bitch who’ll likely share the same cell.
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