This Poor Chinese Man Woke Up Feeling Very Very Eel

Posted: May 4, 2010 by thinkgoat in Animal Cruelty, Death, Drunken Stupidity
Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

By ThinkGoat

China Drunken shenanigans, there’s nothing funnier or if you’re the unfortunate one who’s passed out around a bunch of drunken buddies, nothing more embarrassing. I will admit, at my age I no longer giggle my ass off at YouTube videos that show our future leaders of this fine country taking permanent magic markers and drawling all over their passed-out buddy’s face. I have seen a few clever ones though – a group of guys loading their pal upon a blow-up raft and setting sail toward a fountain in the middle of a condo community pond. Even with the risk of that poor kid sucking in a mouthful of water. (his buddies were at the ready). But Americans lack the truly clever pranks like those played out in China. Those fuckers don’t waste time doing silly stuff. Nope. They resort to sending live shit up the ass of their friends.

Imagine coming to after a night’s drunk – having severe abdominal pain, dehydration, and profusely bleeding out your ass. Don’t know about you, but I’d be going through a quick mental checklist as I was completely freaking the hell out. ‘Jesus Christ. What the fuck happened to my ass?

A 59-year-old Chinese chef awoke from his drunken stupor displaying those exact symptoms and was admitted to Sichuan hospital with signs of shock. Haha. And although it was the medical form of shock, I’m pretty damn sure it didn’t compare to the mental form of shock he experienced after learning what had caused his butt to gush blood.

Doctors, being completely mystified, obtained the family’s permission to perform an exploratory laparotomy and upon opening the guy up and peering into his innards, they found the culprit. A 50cm (19.7 inch) eel. In his ass. Now dead. But not before it ate its way through his bowels.

Quandary: how did that damn thing get up there? The patient recalls eating eel that day – you know, finding out doctors pulled close to a 2 foot “intact” eel from your ass, one would begin to question whether it was some mutant eel that was able to piece itself back together after it had been chewed up and digested. All kinds of possibilities would run through your head. But I doubt very seriously he would have reached this conclusion on his own: his friends shoved a live one up there when he was snoozing. They finally confessed.

The 59-year-old chef died from sepsis. Just goes to show you, it’s all fun and games until someone shoves a live eel in your brown eye.

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  1. crtial_rn says:

    Heh, I’ve had a late running day. I’m geting ready to go to lunch. I’m thinking sushi at the Fugi. Any takers?


  2. thinkgoat says:

    Really, what kind of “friends” do that? Not just the “act” per se but events leading up to this entire thing. Unless this chef was butt-ass naked, they would have had to take his pants off, get his ass in a workable position, spread his asscheeks far and wide, and shove that eel in. And I imagine that thing protested thus making it more difficult which would result in it taking sometime to get it past the half-way mark and not worth the eel’s time to back the fuck out.

    What I don’t know: Are Asian Swamp Eels super slimy? Did they need some form of lube? Hell, he was a chef – I’m sure he had all types of cooking oil setting around – that wouldn’t have been a major problem…


  3. thinkgoat says:

    Gerbils everywhere are sighing with relief..


  4. ravenblackehart says:

    SAome days you eat the eel, some days the eel eats you. Maybe he was Eelgirl’s father….


  5. ravenblackehart says:

    I think they used a funnel.


  6. Frankly Speaking says:

    TG you are one of the most disturbing and interesting people on the net. You are the only one I know that would publicly wonder about the steps that were took to have this happen. The eel ate him on the inside? That is just crazy and sick.


  7. Krammmer says:

    I got drunk last night and glued my ass cheeks together because of this fucked up story. I had to sit and soak in the hot tub this morning and lost a few layers of skin (not to mention a bunch of ass hair) trying to get my ass apart so I could shit but I know not one fucking thing went in when I was passed out.


  8. Lazlo says:

    BWAHAHAHA!!! Now thats some funny shit, Krammer! Can’t be too safe these days. Right?


  9. Lynn says:

    I’m going through some stories I never got to read and wow this one is butt hurting! Did the friends get charged with anything?


  10. thinkgoat says:

    I don’t think so, it was in China – they’re a little “off”.



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