Seneca, South Carolina Police got lucky in a way when they responded to a 911 report of a burglary occurring at a private residence. Lucky because they didn’t have to look far for the “alleged” perpetrator. When they arrived, they found 31-year-old Noah Smith lying nekkid on the floor of the doorway, sunny side up. Their luck quickly ran dry when they thought this would be an easy apprehension. They learned a valuable lesson: people who would break into a place buttass naked are probably not right in the head and one should proceed with caution. Me? I’ve covered enough of these stories to know “peeled” antics most often include drug use of some form. Which again, one should proceed with caution. Be prepared. And for God’s sake, carry elephant tranquilizer, tasers don’t affect these wild creatures. (more…)
Glendale, Arizona / Ouachita Parish, Louisiana I don’t care what your party stories are, nothing can compare to Matthew Hicks’ tale. Period. Or at least what he can remember of it, which is just enough to award him with the Dude trophy.
Found wearing only a pair of rubber boots some 1300 miles away from home, police responded to a 911 call and apprehended Matthew Hicks (32) walking toward the road. I surmise, just by the sheer nature of being all nekkid, they were certain they had their man.
He couldn’t recall why his car was towed, nor how he landed at the home of the lady who called the police, but he did know he was from Glendale, Arizona and well, decided to make the best of a confusing situation.
While looking out your window and seeing some stranger lathering himself up and bathing in your swimming pool may be a tad strange, seeing that same stranger humping your glass door isn’t that far out there. I mean, who hasn’t done it at least once?
Authorities state Hicks admitted to bathing in the swimming pool and when asked about the lewd acts with the door, his response: “She saw me?” Dude. You were attempting to hump a glass door, of course she saw you. And she was unamused. And a bit disturbed.
Humpty Dumpty was charged on one count of exposing his genitals in public and one count of trespassing. (more…)
St. Petersburg, Florida There is nothing in this world sorrier than a grown man crying about the consequences of his own dumbassery. I know we live in the era of “sensitivity” and all that happy horseshit, but come on. If you are fucking up, be a man and take your beating. In Michael Dupree’s case, I mean that literally.
Eureka, California Just how crazy is crazy? This seems to be an ongoing debate in the court system these days when defense attorneys are using the “insanity” plea as a way to get their client a reduced sentence, sentenced to a mental facility, or better yet, acquittal. I really believe anyone who’s committing the majority of these crimes are crazy and should face the same fate to which everyone else is subjected. There have been too many cases “won” under this umbrella and honestly, it just fucking makes me sick. One of my favorite examples is Andrea Yates, the female-type psycho bitch from hell who systematically drowned her 5 children in their bathtub and then laid their dead bodies out for display on a bed. Is that the act of a rational human being? HELL NO. Is she insane? Probably – again, that was not the act of a rational human being. However, I will never believe, in the course of time it took to chase, hunt down, and drown each child, something didn’t snap in that fucked up head of hers that made her say, ‘hey, this is insane”, and like quit at drowning child #3. But now instead of a jail cell, she spends her time sitting in the day room of some “home”, drugged up and happy as a clam away from other women in prison who had to leave their children at home. But then there’s criminals like Jarrod Wyatt, who also did not display the actions of a rational human being as cops charged his home and found him standing naked and bloody on the couch towering over the body of his good friend. (more…)
Thibodaux, La I don’t know how many years I have beseeched the heavenly everything for some type of non-ambiguous conversation. Something along the lines of “Hey Lazlo, What’s up? I’m really here and you can stop wondering. Oh, and by the way – put the smokes down. They’re bad for your health.” Not too much to ask, right? All I get are sudden breezes or a cock crowing at day break. (No sports fans – I didn’t mis-spell crowing)
Then along comes some guy by the unlikely name of Shafiq Mohamed, who not only chats it up with the big guy, but gets instructions to boot. And being the obedient creation, promptly doffs his cloths and hoofs it down the street, bare assed naked.
The campsite on the edge of the Pomperaug River where Michael Weaving took his last breath is a peaceful place. Tall stands of oak, maple and pine trees create a shady canopy for the leafy forest floor, which slopes toward the river, a pristine tributary of the mighty Housatonic where trout gather in deep pools and canoeists paddle through rapids in the spring, summer and fall. The house, a two-story Cape with a view of the river, was abandoned years ago, judging by its condition. The gray, shingled roof has holes in places, the windows have no glass and graffiti is painted on the walls and door. Inside, the concrete floor is covered in mud, and there is an overturned sink in a corner by a fireplace, which is strewn with black ashes. On the floor near a filthy mattress — the same mattress where Eisenbach told police he laid Weaving after he and Curley burned him — are dozens of faded pictures of babies and toddlers; on the mattress is a Polaroid of a young man holding an infant. Investigators say the pictures were in the house when they found Weaving’s body buried in a shallow grave about 20 feet from the fire pit and Indian Chair. (an imposing granite rock that looks and functions like a chair) * excerpt from Source9 (more…)
Santa Ana, California Pessimists can say I’m well over a month late in singing Christmas carols – optimists will declare I’m extremely early. Either way, I’m unaffected as I sit her singing the cute little ditty over and over in my head. “Up on the rooftop, click, click, click. Climbing down the ladder with my yanked dick.” Sure puts you in a festive mood, doesn’t it? Kind of like the mood motorists were in the other day as they traveled down Santa Ana’s 5 freeway as their attention was called to a naked man beating his own best friend. (more…)