True Crime Exposure

Posts tagged “Mug Shot

Melissa Lee Williams’ Situation Stinks

By ThinkGoat

Jackson County, West Virginia Breaking one of my own rules, I decided this story was too fantastic not to feature even though it’s a month old and there’s been no new developments. I originally shot this story to Lazlo with great anticipation of reading his take on Melissa. But internet connections are unpredictable in Borneo. At least that was his explanation. I’ve not yet come to a conclusion what the hell he’s doing there – his messages are cryptic at best. When I’ve attempted asking Deadmyron for help decoding the messages, he recites some obscure alien controversy dialog, says the CIA is tapping his phone, and quickly hangs up. I thought about sending this story link to him but the last time I did that I got a 47,000 word essay on human sexuality that was so incredible I was sort of fearful about where he’d go with Melissa’s story. Plus, DM is still suffering from chronic pain from being probed a couple of months ago. Athena has been banned from the internet for the remaining 3 months of her stint at the convent. I thought about asking her to pen the article over whatever paper was available to her, (church bulletin, pages from Deuteronomy, etc) but the risk of her getting caught ended up out-weighing the hilarity of envisioning how the final product would look. In hindsight, Athena would have been the best option, just to see the words: “pussy”, “eat”, and “stench” coming from a holy institution. But instead, you all are stuck with me, who simply couldn’t let this story slip into a world of obscurity. Plus I just couldn’t get this chick’s mug out of my head. Nor her “situation”. (more…)

Noah Smith Bares The Naked Truth To Police – That He Was Nuts

By ThinkGoat

Seneca, South Carolina Police got lucky in a way when they responded to a 911 report of a burglary occurring at a private residence. Lucky because they didn’t have to look far for the “alleged” perpetrator. When they arrived, they found 31-year-old Noah Smith lying nekkid on the floor of the doorway, sunny side up. Their luck quickly ran dry when they thought this would be an easy apprehension. They learned a valuable lesson:  people who would break into a place buttass naked are probably not right in the head and one should proceed with caution. Me? I’ve covered enough of these stories to know “peeled” antics most often include drug use of some form. Which again, one should proceed with caution. Be prepared. And for God’s sake, carry elephant tranquilizer, tasers don’t affect these wild creatures. (more…)

Kyle Hankins Deserves to Have that Smirk Burned Off His Face

By ThinkGoat

Evansville, Indiana There’s at least one little 2-year-old who didn’t get to go Trick-or-Treating this year and she can thank her mommy’s boyfriend, Kyle Hankins, for that shit. And since this asshole had a history of abuse, she might as well thank her mother as well. She’ll maybe have that chance when she’s released from the burn unit and when her 3rd-degree burns start to heal. (more…)

Matthew Douglas Hicks Gets Busted for Exposing His…….Intelligence

By ThinkGoat

Glendale, Arizona  / Ouachita Parish, Louisiana I don’t care what your party stories are, nothing can compare to Matthew Hicks’ tale. Period. Or at least what he can remember of it, which is just enough to award him with the Dude trophy.

Found wearing only a pair of rubber boots some 1300 miles away from home, police responded to a 911 call and apprehended Matthew Hicks (32) walking toward the road. I surmise, just by the sheer nature of being all nekkid, they were certain they had their man.

He couldn’t recall why his car was towed, nor how he landed at the home of the lady who called the police, but he did know he was from Glendale, Arizona and well, decided to make the best of a confusing situation.

While looking out your window and seeing some stranger lathering himself up and bathing in your swimming pool may be a tad strange, seeing that same stranger humping your glass door isn’t that far out there. I mean, who hasn’t done it at least once?

Authorities state Hicks admitted to bathing in the swimming pool and when asked about the lewd acts with the door, his response: “She saw me?” Dude. You were attempting to hump a glass door, of course she saw you. And she was unamused. And a bit disturbed.

Humpty Dumpty was charged on one count of exposing his genitals in public and one count of trespassing. (more…)

Michael Lallana Provides a Cool Drink of Water

By ThinkGoat

Fullerton, California When I came across this little story I immediately started reflecting on hilarious but somewhat gross times on my old college campus. I’m sure you all have witnessed similar situations, perhaps even been among the unfortunate. Back in those days, we could actually smoke in buildings…way before the tobacco Nazi’s came in and ruined everything. Anyway, the scene is set: lots of drinking, lots of smoking, very few ashtrays to go around. Abandoned or empty beer cans were often used as a replacement, or plastic cups with a swallow or two of beer left in the bottom. By this time of evening, the conversations were intense and loud because everyone knows the ability to hear oneself speak while intoxicated is damn near impossible. It rarely failed, someone would be so adamant about convincing a group of people they had all the answers while grabbing their beverage without looking, taking a big gulp, only to find it was someone’s ashtray after it was way too late. Sometimes they’d puke. Sometimes they wish they’d puke. It was usually after finding out they’d just swallowed a mouthful of someone’s spit. Everyone else would laugh their ass off but I can pretty much guarantee those containers were never maliciously planted. And I can also pretty much guarantee none of those containers were blatantly jacked off in and served. (more…)

Bernard Howell Wanted To Save Her Family Burial Expenses

By ThinkGoat

Tenino, Washington Imagine being a policeman on patrol in a town of less than 1500. Not much goes on. Evenings are probably spent riding around busting people for stopping in the middle of the street to visit, running stop signs, and giving directions out of town for those who’ve stumbled in wishing to get out. Imagine being on patrol and getting flagged down and told something that was so unbelievable, you don’t know whether to laugh at the guy or get him committed into some mental institution. Especially if that guy were telling you something similar to, ‘I was on this trail and some kid stopped me and asked if I’d help him get rid of a dead body that was in his truck…” and as you’re listening, the guy looks up at a passing vehicle and exclaims something like: “THAT’S HIM”! (more…)

Armand Pacher Gets Arrested for Sexing-Up Christie Brinkley

By ThinkGoat

Miami, Florida It’s not often a regular old insurance executive from Florida gets to hook-up with Supermodel Christie Brinkley and it’s not unusual for this sort of news to hit the wires. I mean, she’s been through 4 marriages and 4 divorces, she’s still in great shape – inquiring minds with a finger on the pulse of entertainment news jump on these stories. Especially when there are little tid-bits of very personal details revealed such as:  “She doesn’t seem to enjoy it as much when we have sex.” “Maybe it is because I haven’t been as energetic lately, and that’s why she’s not enjoying it.” Poor guy. But why tell this shit to the veterinary worker? (more…)

Jesse Thornhill and Rosemary Mowls May Be States Apart But They Make a Cute Couple

By ThinkGoat

It’s been kind of a shitty news week (or two) from my perspective. Sure there’s been an abundance of asshattery occurring but I rather tire of the same stories over and over again. We’ve had mothers getting drunk and passing out while their babies are running nekkid in parking lots with knives, wandering roadways. (yes plural – there have been 3 stories hit this week featuring this phenomenon). We’ve had young chicks getting drunk pissing in cop cars, young chicks getting drunk pissing in taxicabs, copping attitude about the whole thing. Pictures reflect what cute things they are on their myspace pages with their mug shots attached to the right or left…and shit. Drunks just get fugly. Then there are these two mug shots. Their stories are noteworthy, yes. Their mugs, priceless. (more…)

Brian Hall Has a Super Long Neck. And a Machete.

By ThinkGoat

Tulsa, Oklahoma I don’t know if the news sources have been a little lazy this week (you know, right before the 4th of July weekend) or if the criminals are saving all the good shit for when I don’t feel like writing. Either way, outside of the normal baby bouncing off the fist stories, there’s not been much activity in the “what the fuck” genre so I’ve resorted to finding and being intrigued by a mug shot even though the story behind the dude isn’t so whatthefuckish but rather stupid. (more…)

Michael Lisk’s Actions Take Him Out of the Father-of-the-Year Award Contest

By ThinkGoat

Kunkletown, Pennsylvania You’re pregnant and you start having contractions. Your loved one is not with you so you call, a little freaked-out and wanting reassurance everything is going to be fine. In a normal world, the loved one promises to high-tail it home and arranges for someone to get to the house who may be a little closer. And if it’s become an emergency situation, they call 911 and defy the speed of sounds getting to the hospital so as to not miss this special moment. In a normal world. But when it involves a 13-year-old girl, her 30-year-old boyfriend, and a self-induced abortion with a pencil, the normalcy goes out of the window and the bizarre takes hold. (more…)

Gilbert Garrett Gets a Little Wonky With Willy

By ThinkGoat

Iowa City, Iowa This story immediately made me think about the lost art of “pick-up” lines. Now they’re all lame because they’re so unoriginal and stale. Then I thought back on a friend of mine who was king of opportunity and extremely quick on his feet. As we were standing out back of a local establishment, this made-up young girl in a tight short skirt and high heels started approaching the back door. My witty friend quickly met her at the door, jimmied his way between the girl and the doorway, looked her up one side and down the other, got a huge smile on his face and said, “how much?” She left. I laughed. Like I said, it’s a long forgotten art form. Now horny and lonely people have taken to non-verbal communications, which is an art in and of itself. We now have “come ons” in bathrooms that need no words – like in the case of the US Senator Larry Craig, who slid his foot under the adjoining bathroom stall playing footsie with the unsuspecting dude next door. Who knew that was nonverbal for, “hey, wanna get it on”? In my time, it meant, “hey, pass over some toilet paper”. Knowing that action could be taken a couple of different ways, our newest perp decided to take all the guess-work out of his intentions as he went looking for love in the mall’s restroom. (more…)

Amy Hager Acts Like a Cute Little Monkey in the Zoo

By ThinkGoat

Manatee, Florida Domestic disputes have to be a major pain in the ass for cops. I mean, how the hell does one go about sorting the “he said” “she said” shit out? Most generally the cops arrive and they’ve just walked into a situation where the woman is in hysterics and the man indignant. But every so often there is the case where it’s quite apparent the woman is the shit-stirrer and the husband/boyfriend has simply had enough and calls the cops to get the crazy cat out of his face. Such was the case with Amy Hager and her adoring husband. I’m left wondering if police got a warning from Mr. Hager: “Watch out, she’s got a shitty attitude”. (more…)

Gary Bond Bound His Lover’s Neck – A Lot

By ThinkGoat’s evil twin

Louisville Kentucky Autoerotic asphyxia, asphyxiophilia, hypoxyphilia, erotic asphyxiation is the intentional restriction of oxygen to the brain for sexual arousal. In other words, you’re going to let someone damn near strangle you to death to reach a good orgasm during sex. I like to call this sex game, “you put your hands around my neck and your balls end up in your throat” but that’s just me. I like to play rough. If my partner doesn’t mind his scrotum in his neck, I guess I shouldn’t mind a little airway restriction – and I can guarantee you one fucking thing – I don’t know of one man who’s unhappy with the natural placement of their bag so I’m thinking my pristine throat and breathing pattern is just fine thankyouverymuch. And people, if you’re having problems reaching orgasm or you just like sexing dangerously, buy some fucking toys for crying out loud. Put nails through them or something but god damnit, strangling just leads to some bad shit. Sooner or later your luck will run out and there’s no crazy sex games in heaven, if that’s where you plan on going. (more…)

Ole Mae Agee – The Crack-Selling Granny Next Door

By ThinkGoat

Pensacola, Florida As I sit here and write this article, the rest of the cool people are hanging in my old stomping grounds soaking up the sun, the breeze, and digging their toes in the pristine white sand beaches of Gulf Shores, Alabama while listening to today’s line-up. Yeah, I tried to escape this shitty weather by entering a contest for a 3-day pass to The Hangout’s Music Festival through Coast 360 but they really hate Northerners. (That’s my story and I’m sticking to it) Actually it came down to drawing a name out of the hat but I’m convinced they used the wrong one. Nonetheless, today wraps up a weekend of unbelievable musical talent that rocked the little coastal community I used to call home. Keller Williams, Alison Krauss and Union Station, Ben Harper, Trey Anastasio, Gov’t Mule, and about 30+ other bands are jamming their asses off where Hwy 59 runs into the water and I’m sitting in my living room watching Scooby doo. I could very easily be smashed on margaritas, donating to the Hangout’s mounting heap of money – all of which is being turned back in to the regional plight that lingers off the shores of this little slice of paradise. The oil spill. Not one penny is being made from this 3-day bash – the proceeds are being used by those who are fighting to preserve the coast line. And as I sit here anxiously awaiting introducing our latest idiot, I can’t help but wonder, since she’s so close to Gulf Shores, if she’d decided to hoard her crack and waited to sell it at the music festival instead of the undercover cop, if she would have been able to maintain her chosen lifestyle instead of facing some jail time. (more…)

These Three Bitches Would Be Lucky To Burn In Hell

By ThinkGoat

Ensley, Florida There’s no derision that can be shared with this story. I may poke fun at some of the crimes because some just don’t seem “real”. I mean, who seriously can imagine or picture someone cutting up another person? I know those things happen because I actually seek those stories out for some sick reason. I can separate myself from it all because, as I said, it’s just so fucked up it makes it easy to tackle. But this story: this entails a sick and evil mind that would savagely torture someone to a certain and painful death. Now, compound that evilness a couple more times and it makes it mind-boggling that 3 people could act this maliciously, in a premeditated barbaric manner, with a goal of turning another human being from a 19-year-old mother into a scared, bloody, and flaming heap of flesh screaming for her life. (more…)

Jumar Henry’s Momma Lost Her Head

By ThinkGoat

Jacksonville, Florida The other day I was just preparing some of our readers for crimes that seem to experience an influx during the summer months. Since it’s been a little chilly here, I failed to realize things would be heating up elsewhere in the US. Particularly Florida. Oh how I love Florida. No, not for the beaches – they tend to be a little over-crowded. If it’s sun and sand I want, I head to the Gulf Coast of Alabama, my heart’s home. My fondness for Florida has everything to do with the people. They don’t just commit crimes, they excel in the act. And in Florida, they have no sense of proportion. Perhaps there really is something to getting “too much sun”. Naw, I don’t think so. I’ve lived on the beaches of Maui Hawaii and the Alabama Gulf Coast. I’ve soaked up plenty of rays. Not once have I ever gathered an arm full of clothes in Wal-Mart and pissed all over them (as in the story Lazlo featured) and not once have I ever carried a severed head in a bag… (more…)

Comrad Nikita Efimov Jr – Idiot or Awesome in a Gay Shirt?

By ThinkGoat

Silverton, Oregon My son and I were having a conversation the other day regarding the fine line between being fucking awesome and being a fucking idiot. This discussion was prompted by a story I posted on Crime Crawler’s Facebook page – a 19-year-old chick asked for a ride home in the squad car after her friend was busted with a DUI and the car impounded. Everything went well until she dug in her purse and pulled out a Steel Reserve beer, popped it, and started drinking…in the back of that car. With a cop. Sure enough, that sound of breaking the seal of a can is unmistakable. And sure enough, she blew her chance of going home and instead, found herself getting processed. She was awesome for the first day. How many people can say they even attempted this? But that admiration quickly wore off as video was released and she was pathetically whining about the seatbelt being up her ass after she was handcuffed. Still, she managed to stay on that fine line. That is until this story came along. Hell, he made her plight seem like child’s play. Instead of trying to sneak a beer in the cop car, he eliminated the chance of the cop hearing him by taking the whole damn car. (more…)

Jason Padgett’s “How To Play Your Video Games Uninterrupted” Guide – Kill The Kid First

By ThinkGoat

Palm Bay, Florida Maybe someone out here can answer this question for me. Who the fuck watches someone punch a two-year-old in the face over the course of three weeks and doesn’t kill the fucker who’s doing it? Okay, another question: What kind of people just ignore this and don’t say anything to the mother of the child? One more question: How doesn’t a mother notice this shit? Come on girls, I don’t care if I’m screwed so well I pass out from euphoria, if any low-life dares to touch my child in an aggressive manner, I’m just fine with celibacy. I’m sick to death of reading stories where the mothers choose a piece of ass over the welfare of their child and the child ends up beaten to a bloody pulp like the child in Oklahoma we just featured…or dead like this little boy. And a little suggestion to the punk-asses who are doing these things: come up with better excuses. Falling, dropping, etc. is getting pretty old. (more…)

Denise Rutledge Was Looking For Love In All The Wrong Places

By ThinkGoat

Flagler Beach, Florida Our Nation has suffered through an unusual winter – the cold air reaching the most sacred of the winter get-aways such as Florida. Being shut in takes its toll on some people. I know it does me. I start obsessing over strange things like the ultra thin boogers that have decided to take permanent residence in my nose as I sleep. Over the past few days of blowing them out, I’m thinking I could construct a model of the inside of each nostril. It’s quite amazing how huge those cavities really are. Speaking of cavities and strange effects the winter has on people, let’s talk about Denise Rutledge. (more…)

I Think The Party’s Been Canceled at Diana Dickson’s Place

By ThinkGoat

Byron, Georgia I don’t know why employees would question the veracity of this woman. Just look at her. Her soft features…her nice clothes…her sculpted hair. She just screams good breeding and high maintenance. I find it shocking that, when she walked into America’s Cash Express wanting to cash the check for $105,300, they were suspicious. I mean, really, when you’re used to that kind of money being pocket change, who’d inconvenience themselves by actually going to the bank to cash it. Hell, head down to the corner where you can get your cash, your stash, and a 40 for the road. (more…)

Richard and Angela McAnulty Maimed Their Daughter

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By Thinkgoat

Eugene, Oregon The defendants, on or about December 9. 2009, in Lane County, Oregon, under circumstances manifesting and extreme indifference to the value of human life, did unlawfully and recklessly cause the death by neglect and maltreatment of Jeanette Marie Maples, a dependent person born August 9, 1993, contrary to statute and against the peace and dignity of the State of Oregon; The State further alleges this crime occurred in the course of, or as a result of, intentional maiming and torture of the victim.                              DATED December 10, 2009 at Eugene, Lane County, Oregon.  ORS 163.095 (1)(c)(B)* (more…)

Brenda Sue Rawls Trains a Ninja

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By Lazlo

Portland, Tennessee When I was a child, the teachers were almost gods. Outside of my parents, they were the intellectual, moral, and ethical compass in my life. There was no question about their integrity, and the things they said were unquestionably facts. The were beyond human – they were teachers.

As I grew older, attained some higher education myself and had children of my own, I came to understand that teachers were people, just like me. They were fraught with the same kinds of foibles and problems. But I still held them high esteem. I tended to regard them as special individuals that were called to serve – that had a drive to bring to our children the tools they would need to live life a in successful, fulfilling way. Little did I realize the tools some teachers would dispense – Ninja attack skills for the purpose of vindication. But that’s precisely the lesson Brenda Sue Rawls was passing on to her 7th grade apprentice. (more…)

Where’s Your Baby, Jennifer James?

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By Thinkgoat

Montgomery, Alabama I’ve refused a lot of things in my lifetime: refused to try sushi, refused to put a new roll of toilet paper “under” instead of “over”, and refused to let my husband have the last word but never ever have I refused to have any of my babies. By the time 9 months of joy have ticked down, believe me…each and every time I’ve looked forward to that day. Not only for the chance to hold my little bundle of needs but also to see the bones in my ankles with no swelling, being able to roll over in bed without feeling like a beached whale, and thank God, the end of complete strangers feeling the need to walk up and put their grubby hand on my stomach. I don’t know a single woman who’s ever hoped that her pregnancy would last just one more day except for now. Jennifer Nanetta James has to be the only bitch walking this planet who has signed a waiver refusing to have her baby when she visited the doctor’s office and split. Something tells me she had other plans… (more…)

This Is Why Some Folks Believe in Forced Sterilization


By Scorpiogirl

New Port Richey, Florida Meet Keisha Young.  She has apparently spent her adult life being too loaded to remember to take her birth control pills.  I mean hey, why take a pill that doesn’t get you high right? (more…)


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