Fuenlabrada, Spain When I’m presented a story liked this and asked if I would like to do the write-up, it causes my little, black heart to race. As a young man, a friend and I were pondering the possibility that one could blow smoke rings from one’s anus. Being out of cigarettes, but having plenty of marijuana, we began our experiments. It was soon evident that anuses (ani?) do not have the capacity to inhale. We developed a plan to get the smoke into the anal cavity with a slightly dirty elbow straw. I decided to be the receiver, thinking it was perhaps safest. I insisted that the smoke not be inhaled first, to assure the integrity of the smoke. It went horribly awry when my father opened the door to my room. The smoke that had just entered my cavity, shot out when I screamed and my friend took the hit and nearly blew him through the wall. That day we invented the Human Bong and the Brown Shotgun. (more…)
Seneca, South Carolina Police got lucky in a way when they responded to a 911 report of a burglary occurring at a private residence. Lucky because they didn’t have to look far for the “alleged” perpetrator. When they arrived, they found 31-year-old Noah Smith lying nekkid on the floor of the doorway, sunny side up. Their luck quickly ran dry when they thought this would be an easy apprehension. They learned a valuable lesson: people who would break into a place buttass naked are probably not right in the head and one should proceed with caution. Me? I’ve covered enough of these stories to know “peeled” antics most often include drug use of some form. Which again, one should proceed with caution. Be prepared. And for God’s sake, carry elephant tranquilizer, tasers don’t affect these wild creatures. (more…)
Iowa City, Iowa This story immediately made me think about the lost art of “pick-up” lines. Now they’re all lame because they’re so unoriginal and stale. Then I thought back on a friend of mine who was king of opportunity and extremely quick on his feet. As we were standing out back of a local establishment, this made-up young girl in a tight short skirt and high heels started approaching the back door. My witty friend quickly met her at the door, jimmied his way between the girl and the doorway, looked her up one side and down the other, got a huge smile on his face and said, “how much?” She left. I laughed. Like I said, it’s a long forgotten art form. Now horny and lonely people have taken to non-verbal communications, which is an art in and of itself. We now have “come ons” in bathrooms that need no words – like in the case of the US Senator Larry Craig, who slid his foot under the adjoining bathroom stall playing footsie with the unsuspecting dude next door. Who knew that was nonverbal for, “hey, wanna get it on”? In my time, it meant, “hey, pass over some toilet paper”. Knowing that action could be taken a couple of different ways, our newest perp decided to take all the guess-work out of his intentions as he went looking for love in the mall’s restroom. (more…)
Temecula, California I’ll admit to being prone to moral outrage on a daily basis. I turn on the BBC news broadcast on PBS simply to yell at the television. I have a definite idea about what is right and wrong, and it seems that modern society slips further away from my ideals with every passing season. Where is John Wayne when you need him?
I came across this gem while perusing one of my favorite news sites, and my righteous anger indicator went off the chart. A man, and I am assuming a good man, has landed himself in a world of trouble for letting his anger to override his better judgement. William Atwood Sr. has been charged with multiple felonies for doling out a bit of justice to a 23-year-old man that sent pictures of his cock to William’s teen-aged daughter. (more…)
Thibodaux, La I don’t know how many years I have beseeched the heavenly everything for some type of non-ambiguous conversation. Something along the lines of “Hey Lazlo, What’s up? I’m really here and you can stop wondering. Oh, and by the way – put the smokes down. They’re bad for your health.” Not too much to ask, right? All I get are sudden breezes or a cock crowing at day break. (No sports fans – I didn’t mis-spell crowing)
Then along comes some guy by the unlikely name of Shafiq Mohamed, who not only chats it up with the big guy, but gets instructions to boot. And being the obedient creation, promptly doffs his cloths and hoofs it down the street, bare assed naked.
Brookline, Ma. According to Brookline Police, Jon Allen has been a very naughty man. In fact, on two different occasions, Jon has been accused of driving without pants and exposing Little Jon to innocent pedestrians. In one case, it is alleged that he was masturbating. Apparently Jon’s favorite targets were little kiddies and their mothers. Jon has another problem, however, that is not quite a visible as his little playmate: Jon can not tell a lie for shit! I hate people like that! (more…)
Santa Ana, California Pessimists can say I’m well over a month late in singing Christmas carols – optimists will declare I’m extremely early. Either way, I’m unaffected as I sit her singing the cute little ditty over and over in my head. “Up on the rooftop, click, click, click. Climbing down the ladder with my yanked dick.” Sure puts you in a festive mood, doesn’t it? Kind of like the mood motorists were in the other day as they traveled down Santa Ana’s 5 freeway as their attention was called to a naked man beating his own best friend. (more…)