Jamestown, N.Y. A big, white two story house with beautiful red shutters on all the windows, a huge back yard with a white picket fence, and a perfect couple who never argue. Now picture the complete opposite and what do you get? Jodi Gilbert and her boyfriend, whom she allegedly struck in the forehead with a Stanley Hammer Tacker (a Carpenter Stapler). (more…)
Wes Craven’s landmark rape-revenge horror film that launched his career as well the “torture porn” genre of horror that has risen up over the past decade, “Last House” first assaulted its audience in 1972. Heralded in by one of the most infamous (and duplicated) ad campaigns ever that encouraged it’s audience that if the film got too intense for them to repeat the mantra “It’s only a movie…only a movie…..only a movie”, the film was one of the few movies for its time whose ads was more than just a shock tactic. (more…)
By Evil Twin Jess
Meadville, Pennsylvania. I can think of a lot of ways to get kicked out of a convenience store. Climbing into one of those walk-in freezers or coolers could potentially be one of them. Hiding behind the racks and handing people drinks when they open the door, or just grabbing their hand when they reach in for a gallon of milk would be fun. I think it would be a riot to hide behind the energy drinks where no one could see me, and speak as if I were the items; “Help, there’s a Monster in here, somebody call Dr. Pepper!”. I’m not sure what Carrie Ann Harkness did to warrant being asked to leave the Meadville Country Fair convenience store, because it was so completely overshadowed by her reaction to being kicked out that no one is talking about that part. (more…)
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma Three yards of black fabric enshroud my computer terminal. I am mourning the passing of an old friend by the name of Common Sense.
His obituary reads as follows:
Common Sense, aka C.S., lived a long life, but died from heart failure at the brink of the millennium. No one really knows how old he was, his birth records were long ago entangled in miles and miles of bureaucratic red tape. Known affectionately to close friends as Horse Sense and Sound Thinking, he selflessly devoted himself to a life of service in homes, schools, hospitals and offices, helping folks get jobs done without a lot of fanfare, whooping and hollering.A most reliable sage, he was credited with cultivating the ability to know when to come in out of the rain, the discovery that the early bird gets the worm and how to take the bitter with the sweet. C.S. also developed sound financial policies (don’t spend more than you earn), reliable parenting strategies (the adult is in charge, not the kid) and prudent dietary plans (offset eggs and bacon with a little fiber and orange juice). C.S. was preceded in death by his wife, Discretion; one daughter, Responsibility; and one son, Reason. He is survived by two step-brothers, Half-Wit and Dim-Wit. (more…)
Sheboygan, Wisconsin Here is a little gem of a story that caught the eye of the staff here at Crime Crawlers. TG thought it would be the perfect piece for me to get back into the groove. The opening line of the source story in the Sheboygan Press immediately grabbed my attention and imagination by stating the charge Mrs. Lueders is being held on: felony mayhem. Oh yeah – mayhem. And not just your garden variety mayhem, but the felony kind. No more enticement is necessary, I’m hooked. So just what kind of bat-shit crazy behavior does a lady need to engage in to earn such a bad-assed charge as that? Seems it all started in the toilet…
Spokane, WA: I have always wondered how the major media outlet chooses their news articles. Most people get their news from television or newspapers, etc. We all know names like: Polly Klass, Adam Walsh, Casey Anthony and Carlie Brucia. When these cases were at their apex, the national networks featured little else.
Me? I cruise the WWW looking at cases just as egregious, yet they never seem to find the spotlight. For those who don’t know, these atrocities are almost pandemic in their frequency. I never lose that sense of anger when I read what these innocent children went through. As a minister, I’d like to think that the souls of the children are taken away before these things happen. (more…)
Mount Clemens, Michigan Osteopathic medicine: A system of medicine based on the theory that disturbances in the musculoskeletal system affect other bodily parts, causing many disorders that can be corrected by various manipulative techniques in conjunction with conventional medical, surgical, pharmacological, and other therapeutic procedures. ThinkGoat’s medical theory: disturbances caused by breaking the skull affect other body parts. See? I don’t even have to be a resident physician to pull that shit out of my ass. Nor do I need to be a doctor to be certain a bullmastiff didn’t cause three to four skull fractures and tears to the vagina and anus of a 13-month-old baby girl.
Apple Valley, Minnesota When Rhonda Arkley ran for the Minnesota Senate in 2002, she was a Democratic-Farmer-Labor Party candidate. Priding herself as very progressive and active in environmental and atheist organizations, she completely left out ‘crazy as a shithouse rat.’ I’m kind of astounded she didn’t win. She fits the political profile. After all, the great people of Minnesota elected an ex-professional wrestler, Jesse Ventura as their Governor several years back: they elected the shitty comic, Al Franken, who donned a large diaper and made a complete ass out himself and now expects to be taken seriously. What the hell could have been so different if they had elected Rhonda. Who knows? She may have had the guts to fix whatever plagues the political system up there. She seems to be quite resourceful in that department. Plus, she’s got the crazy thing down pat. There’s not much hiding it. Not now, at least. (more…)
Union City, California I am a self-proclaimed Dollar Store junkie. I love every. single. thing. about that place. My most prized possession purchased: a retro 70′s plastic pear plate thingy that I proudly display on the stove top. Even though it’s the most beautiful thing I’ve laid eyes on, it’s made even more special because I got it on sale. At the Dollar Store. 75% off. These little miracles are what keeps me going back to that store. Well, that and I’ve a friend who punches the time clock there. She’s never at a loss when it comes to sharing amusing idiosyncrasies that can only be found in a place that sells “Totally Awesome Green” stuff next to the “Totally Awesome Lemon” stuff. (which is, by all intents and purposes, totally awesome). While I’ve never witnessed people confusing the aisle for a toilet, I keep my hopes up each time I enter through the doors. I’m not sure what my reaction would be, rounding the corner only to find some drooling butthead squatting next to the stationary but I can guarantee you, rounding the corner and seeing what this grandmother did, my reaction would be quick and painful and perhaps deadly. (more…)
Jackson County, West Virginia Breaking one of my own rules, I decided this story was too fantastic not to feature even though it’s a month old and there’s been no new developments. I originally shot this story to Lazlo with great anticipation of reading his take on Melissa. But internet connections are unpredictable in Borneo. At least that was his explanation. I’ve not yet come to a conclusion what the hell he’s doing there – his messages are cryptic at best. When I’ve attempted asking Deadmyron for help decoding the messages, he recites some obscure alien controversy dialog, says the CIA is tapping his phone, and quickly hangs up. I thought about sending this story link to him but the last time I did that I got a 47,000 word essay on human sexuality that was so incredible I was sort of fearful about where he’d go with Melissa’s story. Plus, DM is still suffering from chronic pain from being probed a couple of months ago. Athena has been banned from the internet for the remaining 3 months of her stint at the convent. I thought about asking her to pen the article over whatever paper was available to her, (church bulletin, pages from Deuteronomy, etc) but the risk of her getting caught ended up out-weighing the hilarity of envisioning how the final product would look. In hindsight, Athena would have been the best option, just to see the words: “pussy”, “eat”, and “stench” coming from a holy institution. But instead, you all are stuck with me, who simply couldn’t let this story slip into a world of obscurity. Plus I just couldn’t get this chick’s mug out of my head. Nor her “situation”. (more…)
Bartlesville, Oklahoma Lyndsey Fiddler, mother of three children (ages 4, 3, and a 10-day old) has quite an extensive criminal record according to the authorities. Not only had she been charged for driving without a license but driving that car without strapping in her small children. Unfortunately, this isn’t extremely uncommon – I see it daily. It’s the assault charges that begin to set of big warning signs. That, coupled with drug charges when she was 4-months pregnant with her last child should have been enough to put her on someone’s radar. Actually, it did. It was her family that tried to intervene by getting her parental rights revoked due to her drug abuse but the judicial system decided they knew best. There was something that left the family uneasy about this meth-crazed mother and 10 days after Ms. Fiddler gave birth, an aunt decided to pop in on her. Perhaps to see if she could lend some help, perhaps to ease the family’s emotional state of fearing the worst. What do you think she found? (more…)
Evansville, Indiana There’s at least one little 2-year-old who didn’t get to go Trick-or-Treating this year and she can thank her mommy’s boyfriend, Kyle Hankins, for that shit. And since this asshole had a history of abuse, she might as well thank her mother as well. She’ll maybe have that chance when she’s released from the burn unit and when her 3rd-degree burns start to heal. (more…)
Mt. Sterling, Illinois Some who’ve read this site over the past year may think I’ve got some kind of hard-on for Central Illinois police departments. While I understand the conclusion one would draw, I’m going to make it perfectly clear I adore the men and women in brown who actually work for the State, but as it’s turning out, those who wear blue are lacking training, resources, and basic common sense which ultimately ends in more victims than need-be. Small town departments are full with eager-minded individuals who don’t seem to possess any skills other than being able to write a traffic citation and who suffer from an over-abundance of ego. Small town departments need to use their ready-made resources (town
gossip knowledge) to guide them in the right direction. Big cities’ departments don’t have that luxury. They actually have to find the pieces of the puzzle before they can attempt to put the shit together. Small town? The pieces are easily found. Let me give you an example: Mt. Sterling, Illinois, population around 2,000, several suspicious fires, rumors of one person being present prior to the fires starting. One large house fire takes hold around 3:30am – so hot it melts the neighbor’s siding. One person dead. It takes 6 months for a coroner’s inquest to rule the death a homicide. 6 months of crucial time that could have been spent torturing interrogating, tailing, and arresting the person(s) for murder. In a small town, how is it that everyone knows but the ones who are actually responsible for making an arrest? Why is it coming up on three years that Kathy Blentlinger was killed and there’s been nothing more than lip-service? (more…)
Glendale, Arizona / Ouachita Parish, Louisiana I don’t care what your party stories are, nothing can compare to Matthew Hicks’ tale. Period. Or at least what he can remember of it, which is just enough to award him with the Dude trophy.
Found wearing only a pair of rubber boots some 1300 miles away from home, police responded to a 911 call and apprehended Matthew Hicks (32) walking toward the road. I surmise, just by the sheer nature of being all nekkid, they were certain they had their man.
He couldn’t recall why his car was towed, nor how he landed at the home of the lady who called the police, but he did know he was from Glendale, Arizona and well, decided to make the best of a confusing situation.
While looking out your window and seeing some stranger lathering himself up and bathing in your swimming pool may be a tad strange, seeing that same stranger humping your glass door isn’t that far out there. I mean, who hasn’t done it at least once?
Authorities state Hicks admitted to bathing in the swimming pool and when asked about the lewd acts with the door, his response: “She saw me?” Dude. You were attempting to hump a glass door, of course she saw you. And she was unamused. And a bit disturbed.
Humpty Dumpty was charged on one count of exposing his genitals in public and one count of trespassing. (more…)
Cincinnati, Ohio Maggots. One of my most favorite subjects, both medically and the gross out factor…and sometimes the intermingling of the two. Back in the 1920′s, maggot therapy was first used as debridement and as much as I understand the usefulness of these white nasty wiggling baby flies, I’m not completely sure, even with facing losing a foot or something, I’d readily allow my doctor to fix me up a maggot dressing. Don’t get me wrong, I can look at maggots crawling on people all day long with complete
amusement fascination, but the thought of those things hooking and devouring my flesh or infection is not worth entertaining. But they work. Well, the right kind work. They have to be of the “blow fly” (not to be confused with the botfly, another incredibly fascinating critter), and well, I imagine if you’re having a little maggot therapy done, you’d really rather it be sterile and not so much “spontaneous”. The good maggots devour the dead tissues and the bad maggots devour everything else. The good maggots will leave their host once the necrotic tissue is gone, the bad maggots have no sense of proportion, they munch on everything without stopping. “Can you feel them?” is most likely one of the common questions (answer is fuck yes) with a quick follow-up of “does it hurt?” (answer is ‘sometimes’) I’ve had the pleasure of being able to ask “controlled” questions of patients who’ve had the “spontaneous” maggot infestation. “Controlled” meaning: I was on duty and acting on a professional basis, not able to ask the questions that I would truly love to know. And that’s why I chose the story of Jorene White to bring me out of this 20-day hiatus… (more…)
Elmwood Place, Ohio: Whatever the hell Officer Ross Gilbert was expecting when he went on shift on August 17th, I’m certain it wasn’t what he experienced when he pulled over 36-year-old Colondra Hamilton for having illegally tinted windows. Ms. Hamilton, a Cincinnati resident had a very good reason for the heavily tinted windows. Gilbert found Colondra Hamilton sitting innocently in the car, pants unzipped, with a ‘sex toy’ sitting in her lap. (more…)
Fullerton, California When I came across this little story I immediately started reflecting on hilarious but somewhat gross times on my old college campus. I’m sure you all have witnessed similar situations, perhaps even been among the unfortunate. Back in those days, we could actually smoke in buildings…way before the tobacco Nazi’s came in and ruined everything. Anyway, the scene is set: lots of drinking, lots of smoking, very few ashtrays to go around. Abandoned or empty beer cans were often used as a replacement, or plastic cups with a swallow or two of beer left in the bottom. By this time of evening, the conversations were intense and loud because everyone knows the ability to hear oneself speak while intoxicated is damn near impossible. It rarely failed, someone would be so adamant about convincing a group of people they had all the answers while grabbing their beverage without looking, taking a big gulp, only to find it was someone’s ashtray after it was way too late. Sometimes they’d puke. Sometimes they wish they’d puke. It was usually after finding out they’d just swallowed a mouthful of someone’s spit. Everyone else would laugh their ass off but I can pretty much guarantee those containers were never maliciously planted. And I can also pretty much guarantee none of those containers were blatantly jacked off in and served. (more…)
Brooklyn, IL: I’m learning all sorts of interesting things about Illinois. Good thing, too, because I may be moving there. Did you know there were two towns named Brooklyn in Illinois? One is in Schuyler County…it’s just a little unincorporated village. The other is in the dreaded Metro East across the river from St. Louis. It soon became evident to me that the Brooklyn in Metro East is a fuck-hole. In 2000, the census showed 676 souls, but the streets are lined with strip clubs and bars. Nothing fancy here, folks. It is where prostitutes go when they get too skanky for the big city. It’s dangerous enough to hire a prostitute, let alone some toothless, scabby sow with a crotch that looks like the inside of a dog’s mouth. (more…)
Tenino, Washington Imagine being a policeman on patrol in a town of less than 1500. Not much goes on. Evenings are probably spent riding around busting people for stopping in the middle of the street to visit, running stop signs, and giving directions out of town for those who’ve stumbled in wishing to get out. Imagine being on patrol and getting flagged down and told something that was so unbelievable, you don’t know whether to laugh at the guy or get him committed into some mental institution. Especially if that guy were telling you something similar to, ‘I was on this trail and some kid stopped me and asked if I’d help him get rid of a dead body that was in his truck…” and as you’re listening, the guy looks up at a passing vehicle and exclaims something like: “THAT’S HIM”! (more…)
San Antonio, Texas Here’s a lighthearted story concerning an All-American boy and his photography hobby. According to police, Martin Matthew Hemby was pursuing his interests in capturing real life when he ran afoul of his subjects ideas of “decency” and “personal privacy”. He was arrested for taking pictures with his cell phone up a womans skirt. For the second time in two weeks!
Miami, FL A lot of men know the joys of being a father to little clones of themselves, especially when they’re two years old. The little rugrats are more than excited to learn what they can from their fathers. I mean, what kid wouldn’t want to learn how to hunt for dinosaurs, make fruit loop necklaces, draw pictures, catch a baseball, and learn how to box? Wait, boxing? (more…)
Gaithersburg, MD. Here stands little Mikey Edwards in the Giant grocery store in Gaithersburg. He’s got his little shopping basket on his arm. He’s got…well fuck it, you see what I’m getting at, right? He looks like your typical American male getting ready to do some shopping for his ailing mother, or perhaps picking up some cold medicine for a sick child at home. Actually, Mikey has a much more sinister mission. He’s waiting for his next victim. Now, I sometimes read about a criminal and wonder what the fuck is this person’s motivation. This is one such story. (more…)
Quincy, IL Around all major holidays, (and I’m gauging “major” by the amount of alcohol consumed) one is likely to find an increase of Public Service Announcements regarding drunk driving. And I completely understand. Unfortunately it takes repeated 30-second advertisements drilling the motto: “Friends don’t let friends drive drunk”. Leading up to New Year’s Eve and St. Patrick’s Day, radio stations start running commercials informing their listeners of free rides home from the bar. The companies and organizations offering the free transportation are applauded for providing such a terrific service to the community, keeping those on the roads safe and saving the party-goers the huge expense of a DUI offense. Plus, it alleviates pressure on the local police forces and allows those on-duty officers a bit of time to do a little partying themselves. Haha. I’m only partially kidding. (watch this video brought to my attention by Deadmyron) Anywho. It should come as no surprise that any community would raise someone to hero status, who’d give their time to volunteer this free service on a constant basis. Well, anywhere but Quincy, Illinois. (more…)