Author Archive

Davis

By ThinkGoat

Corpus Christi, Florida In March of this year, Kevin Davis decided he’d run away from home, so he jumped on his bicycle and peddled his happy ass out of town. Riding along the railroad tracks, he decided to ditch his bike and his backpack behind some brush, walk up to the first house he saw, knocked upon the door and asked the poor residents to call the police because he’d just killed somebody. The most I ever get at my front door are Jehovah’s Witnesses and the pissed off neighbors.

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health-022713-001-617x416

By ThinkGoat

San Diego, California  Number 1: This particular baby has nothing to do with this story. Number 2: I really hate this pose, now that I’ve seen a few thousand variations of it in different degrees of awfulness. Number 3: This particular story does feature a premature baby and photographs…and a pediatric nurse who fostered that baby when no one else seemed to take interest.

Given the heartwarming introduction to this nurse, how is it this story made its way to being featured on CrimeCrawlers? Well, my friends, not every story here has to be filled with death, destruction, and debauchery. Some stories are chosen to make you feel good.
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HULL UK

 

By ThinkGoat

Hull, United Kingdom  Those who know me, know I have an unnatural fondness for midgets. For years I’ve thought the perfect birthday gift would be a baker’s dozen midgets all tied up with a leash bow and delivered to my door. I’d walk ‘em, nurture ‘em, and rent ‘em out for parties. I’d gladly accept all ages but prefer the older ones, they’re already potty-trained, but there’s an exception to every rule…it looks as though Ian Salter-Bromley (54) needs a little more work.

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Nash2

By ThinkGoat

Lancaster, New Hampshire  Jesus Christ . I don’t know who’d be brave enough to head into a cemetery in the middle of the night with someone who looks like that but apparently there were three stupid brave individuals who fit the bill. I have to wonder how she got anyone to go along with her great idea but nowhere did it mention persuasion with drugs and/or alcohol. There had to be something because I’d like to think I have some pretty cool friends, but dude, I have to mention alcohol to get even one of them to show up to help dig a hole to bury a fucking hamster. Even then they bitch about the work it takes and always question the over-sized box I’ve chosen that’s pretty much pointless in the whole scheme of things. Point is: How much bitching did these friends do when they got about 8 shovel-fulls in and realized this bitch was serious about shaking down her dad who’d been dead for about ten years?
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wilson

By ThinkGoat

Memphis, Tennessee  Really? It’s Crime Crawlers. I’m not going to waste my precious time on some idiot who decides to risk life and limb on some sharp-assed metal only to get a few bucks in his pocket for groceries, tuition, whores, drugs, or a 40 oz. This story stood out because of something that prompted this quick-thinking dialog: “I’m like, man, what the hell you got going on, bro? He said something like he didn’t mean to kill him. I said, kill who brother? I don’t want to know who that is, I don’t want to know. You don’t got to tell me.”
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Arias
By ThinkGoat

Here We Go Again, Arizona  “Longevity runs in my family, and I don’t want to spend the rest of my natural life in one place,” Arias told MyFoxPhoenix.com. “I believe death is the ultimate freedom and I’d rather have my freedom as soon as I can get it.”

What’s the fucking holdup?
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By Thinkgoat

Charleston, South Carolina  This story has no hidden meaning. As a matter of fact, it’s case in point why most of you are lying when you tell your sibling or your best friend you’d do anything in the world for them. I don’t know if it was because of the approaching holidays, because of loyalty, or because Wayne thought the sun rose and set in his brother’s ass, Deangelo pretty much called him to the carpet and Wayne was forced to eat his own words. (more…)