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Alex Phelps: The Cats Have Powerz!

By Lazlo

Shepherdsville, Kentucky - At the risk of rehashing a story that has already been overdone in the mainstream, I present to you today the alleged cat defiler Alex Phelps. For those of you who are new to the net, or have been searching in vain for a lost aeroplane in the dense jungles of Borneo (I swear it was right HERE!), Alex is the accused perpetrator of the horrific cat mutilations tied to the Craigslist classified ad website. It seems that the carved up carcasses of several kitties had appeared around Jefferson and Bullitt counties. A tip led police to Alex’s abode where they reportedly found the bodies of three tortured cats, and two others nearby. As news of this kind is all too common on the sites I routinely visit, it was met with a yawn and a meh as I got back to the business of massacring digital armies in my on-line game.

But then this story hit the webs! It transformed a ho-hum future serial killer story into something that excited my imagination and fired my ghoulish fascination with the bat-shit crazy! It turns out that Alex is not a sadistic would-be mass murderer. He is a researcher; a genius; a misunderstood explorer years ahead of his time, traversing the ragged edge of the promontory of Science!; and as such can be given a pass for behavior that our mere pedestrian minds find shockingly offensive.

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Karen Lueders Bites Off More Than She Can Chew

By Lazlo

Sheboygan, Wisconsin Here is a little gem of a story that caught the eye of the staff here at Crime Crawlers. TG thought it would be the perfect piece for me to get back into the groove. The opening line of the source story in the Sheboygan Press immediately grabbed my attention and imagination by stating the charge Mrs. Lueders is being held on: felony mayhem. Oh yeah – mayhem. And not just your garden variety mayhem, but the felony kind. No more enticement is necessary, I’m hooked. So just what kind of bat-shit crazy behavior does a lady need to engage in to earn such a bad-assed charge as that? Seems it all started in the toilet…

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Martin Matthew Hemby Is a Shutterbug

By Lazlo

San Antonio, Texas Here’s a lighthearted story concerning an All-American boy and his photography hobby. According to police, Martin Matthew Hemby was pursuing his interests in capturing real life when he ran afoul of his subjects ideas of “decency” and “personal privacy”. He was arrested for taking pictures with his cell phone up a womans skirt. For the second time in two weeks!

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Michael Dupree Cries About a Well Deserved Ass Whooping

By Lazlo

St. Petersburg, Florida There is nothing in this world sorrier than a grown man crying about the consequences of his own dumbassery. I know we live in the era of “sensitivity” and all that happy horseshit,  but come on. If you are fucking up, be a man and take your beating. In Michael Dupree’s case, I mean that literally.

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Cathleen M. Miller Doesn’t Understand “Vicariously”

laz

By Lazlo

Chicago Heights, Illinois Let’s face it. Mom’s can be hot. A whole pornography sub-genre has blossomed based on the fantasies most boys had about our friends’ moms, or that magical fox that lived just down the street. I was lucky enough to have two such muses when I was growing up. One was a friend’s mother who the whole neighborhood lusted over, and the second was the lady who cut my hair. I remember that she used to press herself into me while trimming my bangs. I remember the heat of her thighs, the heaving of her…ahem. Sorry. The truth is, I was too shy and sheltered at that time to even imagine anything of a sexual nature occurring between myself and these icons of youth. It is only later in life, when I am alone and it’s quiet that…

Okay! I’m back. Just had to have some “me time” real quick. Back to the article. It seems that the scenes played out in the cheesy back-room “art-films” really do happen in real life. However, in the case of Cathleen Miller, all the actors were not over the age of 18, and there is a world of shit that comes down in real life if you cross over certain barriers.

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Ted Zellman Learns A Lesson

By Lazlo

Charleston, South Carolina There seems to be a mood in our society lately for bashing cops. Hell, I have even participated in it when they have obviously gone out of their way to whip up on some poor bastard who irritated them, but was in no way a threat. And they are ready made targets. Their training emphasizes asserting authority and control on situations, and they come to expect instant submission. Most drunks and ne’er do wells have known this for forever, and to avoid a predictable Saturday night ass-stomping, comply with the nice officers with “yes sirs” and “no sirs” all around.

But what happens when this irresistible force is met with an immovable object that is used to getting its way – who feels that laws and rules are for lesser men? Ted Zellman is just such an individual, and as you will see, its Cops – 1, Asshole – 0. Or in other terms “Go to jail. Go directly to jail. Do Not Collect $200.”

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Elizabeth Breeden Won’t be Breedin’ Anytime Soon

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By Lazlo

Land O’ Lakes, Florida Ah, love! It springs eternal. Two lost souls find each other in this cold, heartless world and join together to present a united front. They share and share alike; rent money, food stamps, bus vouchers, personal hygiene products. Each is happy to sacrifice for the others well being. The spirit of giving extends to every aspect of the new couples lives, except for… the last beer!

Elizabeth Breeden is in trouble again for whooping up on her new old-man. He told police that they had hooked up in February, and moved in together in May. Seems like they were getting to know each other pretty well by now. And that lazy, ungrateful bastard had the unmitigated temerity to be sucking down the last Natural Light in the house. Sounds like the honeymoon is over.

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Brian Horst Loses His Shit

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By Lazlo

Dayton, Ohio You just don’t know about some people. What drives their thinking? Are they thinking at all? Today’s story involves a guy that is the poster boy for the above questions. Meet Brian Horst. Mr. Horst started his morning off with a bit of vandalism that cumulated in a stolen steel cylinder, stolen packages of meat, some stolen Mad Dog 20/20, and a busted up ATM. It’s one of those incidents that have to leave the cops shaking their heads and laughing, looking forward to the tales they can tell down the road about this idiot, knowing full well that the rookie hearing the story will wonder in the back of his mind if he is being put on.

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Jason Isbell Posts His Wrongdoing

By Lazlo

Lake Wylie, South Carolina Social Networking was a different concept when I was a young man. It consisted of cruising around in cars between two or three different parking lots, and hanging out with the groups assembled there. From McDonald’s, to the Square, to the park, and back again in a big circle. The goal was to find out what was happening tonight, and hear all the gossip about what happened last night. Kid’s stuff. We didn’t realize how good we had it. We could chat about events, come and go, and never leave a lasting trail.

My, how things have changed. My dumbass perpetrator of the day is a young man who uses the current digital equivalent of cruising – Facebook. And although my wild-oats exploits may not have been available to as vast an audience as I might have wished, they weren’t available for the cops either.

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Anthony Alvarez Pulls a Dog Day…Or Two

By Lazlo

Sacramento, California I am sure most of you will have heard of this Stand-off, and it’s successful completion, before reading this article.  For those of you lucky bastards that actually have a life instead of sitting around soaking up crime news, let me bring you up to speed.

Sacramento law enforcement spent 55 1/2 hours molly-coddling a straight up schizo who took a 15-month-old-child hostage. Anthony Alvarez, 26, decided to go Masada when police arrived to arrest him for possible involvement with three robberies and a shooting of a police officer. At the end of the siege, police dropped two “flash-bang” explosives on his ass. Alvarez fired, and the cops finished the job.

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Robin Roberts Gets Nutty with the Guard

By Lazlo

Bridgeport, Texas When thinking about the worlds most dangerous jobs, does Security Guard ever come to mind? Doesn’t for me either. In fact, the mental images that come to the surface when contemplating that position are of elderly, overweight men, or scrawny, pimple faced cop-wannabes who’s sole purpose is to let law-abiding folk like myself know that we can’t park “there”. We have all seen them; eyes perpetually glazed over from the excitement of it all; cookie and bread crumbs on the front of their uniforms from the last snack break. These guys yearn for any form of excitement. Catching the odd shoplifter is the highlight of their week. The adrenaline rush, the radio comms, the ball crunching that results from a resisting suspect. Wait. Back up. Ball crunching?

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Timothy Michael Jones Has Problems Communicating

By Lazlo

Yuma, Arizona Civic duty. The price one pays for all of the freedoms one enjoys in this great country of ours. Citizens stepping up and doing their part is the very foundation of our nation. When we are called, we serve. Simple, right?

Well, the call for jury duty can be a right pain in the ass. Not as much as, say, getting drafted. But it can still put ones life and career on hold. And there are those who do not feel an obligation to society, or recognize the principals on which our nation was built. They are in this life for themselves only, and will quickly tell you so when asked (and when not asked sometimes). Timothy Micheal Jones is in the process of learning that civic duty is not a trifle, and that he should be cognizant of the form his expression takes when responding to the court system.

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William Atwood Sr. Has a Shocking Discussion

By Lazlo

Temecula, California I’ll admit to being prone to moral outrage on a daily basis. I turn on the BBC news broadcast on PBS simply to yell at the television. I have a definite idea about what is right and wrong, and it seems that modern society slips further away from my ideals with every passing season. Where is John Wayne when you need him?

I came across this gem while perusing one of my favorite news sites, and my righteous anger indicator went off the chart. A man, and I am assuming a good man, has landed himself in a world of trouble for letting his anger to override his better judgement. William Atwood Sr. has been charged with multiple felonies for doling out a bit of justice to a 23-year-old man that sent pictures of his cock to William’s teen-aged daughter. (more…)


The Neal Clan Ends the Debate

By Lazlo

Collinsville, Illinois There are three things in this world that inspire irrational emotional outbursts: love, religion, and money. Add alcohol to any of these three, and the results are unpredictable. But you can bet that nothing good can come of it.

Take love for instance. Two people, deeply in love, can become maddened row-house street-fighters with the proper application of grape or grain – sometimes causing irreparable harm both to themselves and to their relationship. (Nah – when he gets out of jail she’ll claim she lurves him, take him back, and they’ll wait for the next round). (more…)


Shafiq Mohamed “Bares” Witness

By Lazlo

So yeah.

I’m Jealous.

Thibodaux, La I don’t know how many years I have beseeched the heavenly everything for some type of non-ambiguous conversation. Something along the lines of “Hey Lazlo, What’s up? I’m really here and you can stop wondering. Oh, and by the way – put the smokes down. They’re bad for your health.” Not too much to ask, right? All I get are sudden breezes or a cock crowing at day break. (No sports fans – I didn’t mis-spell crowing)

Then along comes some guy by the unlikely name of Shafiq Mohamed, who not only chats it up with the big guy, but gets instructions to boot. And being the obedient creation, promptly doffs his cloths and hoofs it down the street, bare assed naked.

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Carey Sterling Is Looking for a Flashy Ride

By Lazlo

Missoula, Montana Flashing lights! Sirens! There are few things in this world that are cooler. To this day, anytime I hear the wail of a siren, I stop what I am doing to look around in hopes of catching sight of the emergency apparatus passing by. One brief glimpse is all it takes to make me happy. I volunteered as a Firefighter to be around them. Spent 160+ hours learning to be an EMT and got to drive ambulances. And still, I will stop and look.

That’s why I kind of get our silly perp of the day, Carey C. Sterling of Missoula, Montana. She likes flashing lights too. And although her fetish involves those of lesser status (police vehicles), it’s obvious to me she has the bug. How else can you explain trying to steal not one, but two of Missoula’s Finest’s vehicles. (more…)


Murderabilia: The Scourge of Humanity

By Lazlo

I am going to break away from the usual grit, gore, and amusing idiots that you have grown to love and cherish on this site. My offering today concerns a little sideline of real crime that has recently made the news – “Murderabilia”. It’s an international (if you consider Canada, like, a nation) phenomena that is driving some folks bat-shit crazy.

Murderablia is the category of objects that are deemed “collectible” by real crime enthusiasts and other sick fucks like me that appreciate a little insanity in their daily lives. Things like letters, paintings and even toenail clippings from criminals who have achieved infamous notoriety qualify for inclusion. The mainstream media have taken up the klaxon call to have this burgeoning industry in dark merchandise suppressed. They use arguments based on criminals profiting from their crimes, and the pain inflicted on the victims families as planks in their case. I am here to cry BULLSHIT! (more…)


The Great Wal-Mart Commentary “Movement”?

By Lazlo

Cape Coral, Florida  Ladies and gentlemen, there seems to be a grassroots tide rising across the nation. These people at first blush seem to be whacked out drunks or drug users, who lose control of both their minds and their bodily functions. But the truth beneath their sordid acts is a form of commercial and social commentary that hasn’t been seen since the likes of Chris Ofili’s contribution on London’s Tate Gallery’s steps. Christina Cifaldi enters the ranks as a new martyr for the cause!

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Robert T. Jenkins Pisses Off Wal-Mart

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Canton, Ohio

By: Lazlo

So here is a quick story about a poor bastard that I can totally relate to. For those of you that know nothing about me, I used to have the tag of being a bit of a partier. I have tipped the occasional brew, and there have been times – and I know it comes a shock – that I may have tipped one or two too many. I have done some less-than-reputable things while intoxicated, much to my chagrin. My roommate awakened me once from a drunken stupor as I was about to defecate on a coffee table. Another friend of mine awoke to find this dude named Carter pissing in the wastebasket in his room. (Carter disavowed all knowledge of that event.) I have even been accused – unfairly and with malice – of urinating in a tent. (It was this guy named Levi that did that. That’s my story.)

The point to this rambling is that when people drink to excess, their capacity for place recognition diminishes slightly, and they find themselves doing inappropriate things that tend to upset the more sober-minded among us. Usually there is just embarrassment, or perhaps the requirement to find a new buddies house at which to crash. Robert T. Jenkins had the bad luck to mistake the meat counter at the local Wal-Mart for public facilities, and was, of course, busted. (more…)


Brenda Sue Rawls Trains a Ninja

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By Lazlo

Portland, Tennessee When I was a child, the teachers were almost gods. Outside of my parents, they were the intellectual, moral, and ethical compass in my life. There was no question about their integrity, and the things they said were unquestionably facts. The were beyond human – they were teachers.

As I grew older, attained some higher education myself and had children of my own, I came to understand that teachers were people, just like me. They were fraught with the same kinds of foibles and problems. But I still held them high esteem. I tended to regard them as special individuals that were called to serve – that had a drive to bring to our children the tools they would need to live life a in successful, fulfilling way. Little did I realize the tools some teachers would dispense – Ninja attack skills for the purpose of vindication. But that’s precisely the lesson Brenda Sue Rawls was passing on to her 7th grade apprentice. (more…)


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