True Crime Exposure

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Alex Phelps: The Cats Have Powerz!

By Lazlo

Shepherdsville, Kentucky – At the risk of rehashing a story that has already been overdone in the mainstream, I present to you today the alleged cat defiler Alex Phelps. For those of you who are new to the net, or have been searching in vain for a lost aeroplane in the dense jungles of Borneo (I swear it was right HERE!), Alex is the accused perpetrator of the horrific cat mutilations tied to the Craigslist classified ad website. It seems that the carved up carcasses of several kitties had appeared around Jefferson and Bullitt counties. A tip led police to Alex’s abode where they reportedly found the bodies of three tortured cats, and two others nearby. As news of this kind is all too common on the sites I routinely visit, it was met with a yawn and a meh as I got back to the business of massacring digital armies in my on-line game.

But then this story hit the webs! It transformed a ho-hum future serial killer story into something that excited my imagination and fired my ghoulish fascination with the bat-shit crazy! It turns out that Alex is not a sadistic would-be mass murderer. He is a researcher; a genius; a misunderstood explorer years ahead of his time, traversing the ragged edge of the promontory of Science!; and as such can be given a pass for behavior that our mere pedestrian minds find shockingly offensive.

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Karen Lueders Bites Off More Than She Can Chew

By Lazlo

Sheboygan, Wisconsin Here is a little gem of a story that caught the eye of the staff here at Crime Crawlers. TG thought it would be the perfect piece for me to get back into the groove. The opening line of the source story in the Sheboygan Press immediately grabbed my attention and imagination by stating the charge Mrs. Lueders is being held on: felony mayhem. Oh yeah – mayhem. And not just your garden variety mayhem, but the felony kind. No more enticement is necessary, I’m hooked. So just what kind of bat-shit crazy behavior does a lady need to engage in to earn such a bad-assed charge as that? Seems it all started in the toilet…

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Martin Matthew Hemby Is a Shutterbug

By Lazlo

San Antonio, Texas Here’s a lighthearted story concerning an All-American boy and his photography hobby. According to police, Martin Matthew Hemby was pursuing his interests in capturing real life when he ran afoul of his subjects ideas of “decency” and “personal privacy”. He was arrested for taking pictures with his cell phone up a womans skirt. For the second time in two weeks!

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Michael Dupree Cries About a Well Deserved Ass Whooping

By Lazlo

St. Petersburg, Florida There is nothing in this world sorrier than a grown man crying about the consequences of his own dumbassery. I know we live in the era of “sensitivity” and all that happy horseshit,  but come on. If you are fucking up, be a man and take your beating. In Michael Dupree’s case, I mean that literally.

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Cathleen M. Miller Doesn’t Understand “Vicariously”

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By Lazlo

Chicago Heights, Illinois Let’s face it. Mom’s can be hot. A whole pornography sub-genre has blossomed based on the fantasies most boys had about our friends’ moms, or that magical fox that lived just down the street. I was lucky enough to have two such muses when I was growing up. One was a friend’s mother who the whole neighborhood lusted over, and the second was the lady who cut my hair. I remember that she used to press herself into me while trimming my bangs. I remember the heat of her thighs, the heaving of her…ahem. Sorry. The truth is, I was too shy and sheltered at that time to even imagine anything of a sexual nature occurring between myself and these icons of youth. It is only later in life, when I am alone and it’s quiet that…

Okay! I’m back. Just had to have some “me time” real quick. Back to the article. It seems that the scenes played out in the cheesy back-room “art-films” really do happen in real life. However, in the case of Cathleen Miller, all the actors were not over the age of 18, and there is a world of shit that comes down in real life if you cross over certain barriers.

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Ted Zellman Learns A Lesson

By Lazlo

Charleston, South Carolina There seems to be a mood in our society lately for bashing cops. Hell, I have even participated in it when they have obviously gone out of their way to whip up on some poor bastard who irritated them, but was in no way a threat. And they are ready made targets. Their training emphasizes asserting authority and control on situations, and they come to expect instant submission. Most drunks and ne’er do wells have known this for forever, and to avoid a predictable Saturday night ass-stomping, comply with the nice officers with “yes sirs” and “no sirs” all around.

But what happens when this irresistible force is met with an immovable object that is used to getting its way – who feels that laws and rules are for lesser men? Ted Zellman is just such an individual, and as you will see, its Cops – 1, Asshole – 0. Or in other terms “Go to jail. Go directly to jail. Do Not Collect $200.”

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Elizabeth Breeden Won’t be Breedin’ Anytime Soon

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By Lazlo

Land O’ Lakes, Florida Ah, love! It springs eternal. Two lost souls find each other in this cold, heartless world and join together to present a united front. They share and share alike; rent money, food stamps, bus vouchers, personal hygiene products. Each is happy to sacrifice for the others well being. The spirit of giving extends to every aspect of the new couples lives, except for… the last beer!

Elizabeth Breeden is in trouble again for whooping up on her new old-man. He told police that they had hooked up in February, and moved in together in May. Seems like they were getting to know each other pretty well by now. And that lazy, ungrateful bastard had the unmitigated temerity to be sucking down the last Natural Light in the house. Sounds like the honeymoon is over.

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