Andrés García Torres Requests Anal Measurement
By Deadmyron
Fuenlabrada, Spain When I’m presented a story liked this and asked if I would like to do the write-up, it causes my little, black heart to race. As a young man, a friend and I were pondering the possibility that one could blow smoke rings from one’s anus. Being out of cigarettes, but having plenty of marijuana, we began our experiments. It was soon evident that anuses (ani?) do not have the capacity to inhale. We developed a plan to get the smoke into the anal cavity with a slightly dirty elbow straw. I decided to be the receiver, thinking it was perhaps safest. I insisted that the smoke not be inhaled first, to assure the integrity of the smoke. It went horribly awry when my father opened the door to my room. The smoke that had just entered my cavity, shot out when I screamed and my friend took the hit and nearly blew him through the wall. That day we invented the Human Bong and the Brown Shotgun. (more…)
I Wish I Could Shoot J.R.
By: Deadmyron
Spokane, WA: I have always wondered how the major media outlet chooses their news articles. Most people get their news from television or newspapers, etc. We all know names like: Polly Klass, Adam Walsh, Casey Anthony and Carlie Brucia. When these cases were at their apex, the national networks featured little else.
Me? I cruise the WWW looking at cases just as egregious, yet they never seem to find the spotlight. For those who don’t know, these atrocities are almost pandemic in their frequency. I never lose that sense of anger when I read what these innocent children went through. As a minister, I’d like to think that the souls of the children are taken away before these things happen. (more…)
Auto Eroticism is Now Literal!
By: Deadmyron
Elmwood Place, Ohio: Whatever the hell Officer Ross Gilbert was expecting when he went on shift on August 17th, I’m certain it wasn’t what he experienced when he pulled over 36-year-old Colondra Hamilton for having illegally tinted windows. Ms. Hamilton, a Cincinnati resident had a very good reason for the heavily tinted windows. Gilbert found Colondra Hamilton sitting innocently in the car, pants unzipped, with a ‘sex toy’ sitting in her lap. (more…)
♪♫Oh, Pervs Just Wanna Have Fun♫♪
By: Deadmyron
Brooklyn, IL: I’m learning all sorts of interesting things about Illinois. Good thing, too, because I may be moving there. Did you know there were two towns named Brooklyn in Illinois? One is in Schuyler County…it’s just a little unincorporated village. The other is in the dreaded Metro East across the river from St. Louis. It soon became evident to me that the Brooklyn in Metro East is a fuck-hole. In 2000, the census showed 676 souls, but the streets are lined with strip clubs and bars. Nothing fancy here, folks. It is where prostitutes go when they get too skanky for the big city. It’s dangerous enough to hire a prostitute, let alone some toothless, scabby sow with a crotch that looks like the inside of a dog’s mouth. (more…)
Mike Edwards Spreads His Seed
By: Deadmyron
Gaithersburg, MD. Here stands little Mikey Edwards in the Giant grocery store in Gaithersburg. He’s got his little shopping basket on his arm. He’s got…well fuck it, you see what I’m getting at, right? He looks like your typical American male getting ready to do some shopping for his ailing mother, or perhaps picking up some cold medicine for a sick child at home. Actually, Mikey has a much more sinister mission. He’s waiting for his next victim. Now, I sometimes read about a criminal and wonder what the fuck is this person’s motivation. This is one such story. (more…)
Dylan Theno Fights The System
By: Deadmyron
Overland Park, KS: I first heard of Dylan Theno on April 21st of this year. I was channel surfing and landed on E! Investigates. My initial thought was: Here we go again! Another bullied kid commits another atrocious act. I was sick of kids committing violent acts or suicide, because they felt they had no recourse. I wondered again, how many people have to die before school bullying is taken seriously? It appears there has been an apathy pandemic in our educational system. There’s really no excuse…it usually boils down to some indifferent asshole interested only in their paycheck, or afraid to act for what ever reason. Dylan Theno’s story, though, was a breath of fresh air. In fact, I contacted him and told him how much I admired how he handled his situation. I think that Dylan found the answer. He took the time to answer me and graciously thanked me. I hope by the end of this article, some will realize that Dylan is to be admired. (more…)
Deadmyron Redefines Capital Punishment
By: Deadmyron
Only two things are pissing me off right now. One is I don’t know how to wrap my words around the pictures in my articles, like Lazlo does. The other is our country’s excuse for a death penalty. Our death penalty, the way it exists now, is like having a penis: Neither of them is worth a shit if you don’t use them. In 2009 there were 52 executions in this country. That’s about one a week. I’d be willing to bet my monthly allotment of food stamps that more people than that are sentenced to death each year, so obviously there is going to be a bottle-neck. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that something has gotta give. Somewhere. Some time. It is said that it is cheaper to keep a prisoner doing a life sentence than it is to put one to death. Our government’s life blood is money, pure and simple. They aren’t considering the whole picture…the bottle-neck. How much will it cost when they have to start building new prisons and hiring new guards and all the other good prison-type bullshit? It’s time to start using that penis, America! I have the answers and everyone will benefit from my brilliant solution and you will praise me! (more…)
Kayla Neighbors Stuns Her Neighbors
By: Deadmyron
Greenwood, In. You know those real cool sites that you can go to with the trick pictures? You may see one thing, but it’s something else entirely? Know what I’m talking about? The twenty-three year old woman (yeah 23) pictured above is actually a piece of shit. She gave up all rights to be a human when she slammed her 10 month-old daughter to the pavement, head first, in an apartment parking lot in Greenwood, In. last Thursday. Now you can see the piece of shit can’t you? Isn’t that amazing? (more…)
Suicide by Bully – The Celina Okwuone Story
By Deadmyron
Port St. Lucie, Fl. This sweet smiling little face belongs to 11 year old Celina Okwuone. She was a student at St. Anastasia Catholic School in Fort Pierce Florida. I came across this article and it begged me to do a write-up. My youngest girl is eleven…I would say she was typical of kids her age anywhere. She loves watching Spongebob Squarepants and iCarly. Loves her video games, music, her friends, and her pets. I lack the writing talent to truly express the depth of my love for her. Last October, she had a very invasive surgery to correct severe scoliosis. I will never forget the mask of pain on her face during her week in recovery in ICU I shed my share of tears. I would have happily bore the pain for her, but life doesn’t work that way. (more…)
Murder, Madness, and Mayhem: Who Killed Susan Bonser?
By 16YrVictim and ThinkGoat
Rushville, Illinois Sixteen years ago 34-year-old Susan Bonser was celebrating a new chapter in her life starting with an anticipated move into a new apartment in Rushville, Illinois. Little did she realize, a cold-blooded killer would postpone those plans forever.
October 16, 1993, Susan Bonser finished working 2nd shift in Beardstown, Illinois, met some friends at a local bar and then moved the party to her apartment in Rushville, some 15 miles away. Around 3am, all but one male friend left the home and he was the last to see Susan alive. (more…)
Things Get a Little Too Hot For Jonathan Allen
By Deadmyron
Brookline, Ma. According to Brookline Police, Jon Allen has been a very naughty man. In fact, on two different occasions, Jon has been accused of driving without pants and exposing Little Jon to innocent pedestrians. In one case, it is alleged that he was masturbating. Apparently Jon’s favorite targets were little kiddies and their mothers. Jon has another problem, however, that is not quite a visible as his little playmate: Jon can not tell a lie for shit! I hate people like that! (more…)
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