True Crime Exposure

Andrés García Torres Requests Anal Measurement

By Deadmyron

Fuenlabrada, Spain When I’m presented a story liked this and asked if I would like to do the write-up, it causes my little, black heart to race. As a young man, a friend and I were pondering the possibility that one could blow smoke rings from one’s anus.  Being out of cigarettes, but having plenty of marijuana, we began our experiments.  It was soon evident that anuses (ani?) do not have the capacity to inhale. We developed a plan to get the smoke into the anal cavity with a slightly dirty elbow straw. I decided to be the receiver, thinking it was perhaps safest. I insisted that the smoke not be inhaled first, to assure the integrity of the smoke. It went horribly awry when my father opened the door to my room. The smoke that had just entered my cavity, shot out when I screamed and my friend took the hit and nearly blew him through the wall. That day we invented the Human Bong and the Brown Shotgun.

Pictured above is my new friend, Father Andrés García Torres, a  Spanish priest. The Father has been asked to leave his Parish in Fuenlabrada, by his boss, The Bishop of Getafe, amid allegations of homosexuality.

The Bishop demands that Father Torres undergo therapy to be ‘cured’ of his homosexuality and take an AIDS test following rumors about the good Father and a friend, a 28-year-old Cuban seminarian.

The two were photographed hugging shirtless while on a trip to Fatima.  To me, it looks pretty innocuous, but I’d feel kind of creepy hugging some shirtless dude. I know that sounds a bit ironic coming from a guy that will let someone blow reefer smoke up his ass, but I ain’t no priest.

“Let them measure my anus and see if it is dilated,” insisted Father Torres, who staunchly denies the allegations. He went on to say that his mother has not stopped crying since the incident. I believe it. My dad still cries.

I happen to know a few homosexuals that never use their anuses (ani?) during sex. Maybe Father Torres is one of those guys that figures he’s safe as long as he don’t break the seal on his asshole.

I couldn’t help, but wonder how common this is? Does the Vatican have an instrument for measuring assholes? Maybe they do it like they do a pregnant woman:  0-3cms dilated and you’re safe? How would that work? I was tempted to call my friend again, but he’s in Asia, so I turned to the internet.

And there it was:  The Anorectal Manometer. It does it all!  Here is a link that explains all the cool shit (pun intended) this little machine can do. Who fucking knew, right?

I wonder if Father Torres knows about this? I’m tempted to send him the link. That way, if he finds himself on a plane to the Vatican, he can practice some butt puckers or something.

God speed and well wishes, Father Torres. Let us know how it comes out.

12 responses

  1. Laugh my ass right the fuck off, Deadmyron. It started at the beginning and I’m not quite over it yet.

    I’m not sure whether to be frightened or in awe of your research skills. If it’s not figuring out how much pecker snot is needed in a squirt bottle, it’s sphincter measuring devices. I’m both tickled and nauseated.

    I don’t know if you’re familiar with the older band: Camper Van Beethoven – I will never be able to listen to “Eye of Fatima” without bursting into hysterical laughter from here on out.

    July 21, 2011 at 11:28 pm

  2. ladyjustice84

    Oh wow…you should write more crap Deadmyron! (Pun intended!) I loved that I laughed so hard I had to go and pee before I could write this! I love your commitment to the article! Although I feel like I know you in a Biblical way now…lol.

    July 21, 2011 at 11:47 pm

  3. DarlingVioletta

    Holy shit!

    July 22, 2011 at 12:27 am

  4. deadmyron

    Rumor has it that just moments after the feature picture was taken, that Father Torres began violently fellating the microphone with the yellow windscreen.

    July 22, 2011 at 5:06 pm

  5. Lazlo

    I have the idea that Father Torres is the master of the buttpucker, in the same way that a high class hooker has mastered the Kegel dick milking exercises! (Love ‘em, ladies. Keep up the good work!!) And you have to admire a man, who when accused of “manly love”, requests that he be “probed” – all in the interest of justice (wink, wink). He’s busted and immediately figures out a way to turn it into a deliciously humiliating and twistedly perverted new sex game. Pure genius.

    Great article DM!! I haven’t laughed that hard in ages.

    July 22, 2011 at 8:01 pm

  6. Space Pope

    Y’know, every now and then the internet can still be counted on to puke up a gigantic pearl of funny as fuck and that’s what I’m seeing here. Even the link is just awesome, “The defecation process can be recorded and reviewed during later ANALysis.” Having never seen an up-the-pipe shitvid, I was hoping for a sample butt no. I’m thinking about e-mailing them a suggestion to include one, as the average persons shitvid experience never gets past Two Girls And A Cup and some of us want the inside story.

    I couldn’t help noticing that one model can be used for both esophageal and ano-rectal investigation, I’ll have to remember if the occasion arises to ask if that thing has been up somebodys ass.

    Butt it was DM’s personal anecdote that really made this story. My belching up a huge cloud of stank in 1st period biology as a HS freshman pales in comparison. And Lazlo is spot on with his ANALysis of the good friars ingenious rationale for ass-play in the name of the public good.

    Great work CrimeCrawlers. I hope DM didn’t bust his ass to get this story.

    July 22, 2011 at 10:44 pm

  7. Space Pope

    3 hours and 15 minutes after I read this and I keep thinking ;

    “I insisted that the smoke not be inhaled first, to insure the integrity of the smoke.”

    and I crack up all over again.

    July 23, 2011 at 12:58 am

  8. ladyjustice84

    I thought about this article and laughed my butt off all over again. It takes a lot to make me laugh that hard…twice! Good job DM!

    July 23, 2011 at 3:51 pm

  9. deadmyron

    Aww, you guys are too kind. I like to send these articles to my shrink. I always get some fun new medicines.

    July 23, 2011 at 7:18 pm

  10. Space Pope

    I wonder if this device or a similar device can be used on vaginas ? I can think of a number of occasions over the years when radial and longitudinal pressure profiles as well as the all-important squeeze pressure would have kept me from throwing a hotdog down a hallway. Hell, that should be a required field at Match dot com.

    Anyway, my inner dialogue aside, did you ever establish whether or not an anus can blow a smoke ring ? I bet Gandalf can do it.

    July 23, 2011 at 11:37 pm

  11. deadmyron

    My ex-wife used a combination of sex lubricant and powdered alum. Tightened her right up…at least that what my friends told me.

    My God, Space! I forgot all about Gandalf! I’ll bet he could fart a space shuttle. Thanks.

    July 24, 2011 at 11:10 pm

  12. thelemurknows

    “With use of an intra-rectal balloon it is also possible to assess the recto-anal inhibitory reflex (RAIR), rectal sensitivity, capacity and compliance.” COMPLIANCE is the key word here, that the good father was probably shooting for. “~ Great story!

    July 25, 2011 at 6:40 pm

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