Andrés García Torres Requests Anal Measurement
Fuenlabrada, Spain When I’m presented a story liked this and asked if I would like to do the write-up, it causes my little, black heart to race. As a young man, a friend and I were pondering the possibility that one could blow smoke rings from one’s anus. Being out of cigarettes, but having plenty of marijuana, we began our experiments. It was soon evident that anuses (ani?) do not have the capacity to inhale. We developed a plan to get the smoke into the anal cavity with a slightly dirty elbow straw. I decided to be the receiver, thinking it was perhaps safest. I insisted that the smoke not be inhaled first, to assure the integrity of the smoke. It went horribly awry when my father opened the door to my room. The smoke that had just entered my cavity, shot out when I screamed and my friend took the hit and nearly blew him through the wall. That day we invented the Human Bong and the Brown Shotgun.
Pictured above is my new friend, Father Andrés García Torres, a Spanish priest. The Father has been asked to leave his Parish in Fuenlabrada, by his boss, The Bishop of Getafe, amid allegations of homosexuality.
The Bishop demands that Father Torres undergo therapy to be ‘cured’ of his homosexuality and take an AIDS test following rumors about the good Father and a friend, a 28-year-old Cuban seminarian.
The two were photographed hugging shirtless while on a trip to Fatima. To me, it looks pretty innocuous, but I’d feel kind of creepy hugging some shirtless dude. I know that sounds a bit ironic coming from a guy that will let someone blow reefer smoke up his ass, but I ain’t no priest.
“Let them measure my anus and see if it is dilated,” insisted Father Torres, who staunchly denies the allegations. He went on to say that his mother has not stopped crying since the incident. I believe it. My dad still cries.
I happen to know a few homosexuals that never use their anuses (ani?) during sex. Maybe Father Torres is one of those guys that figures he’s safe as long as he don’t break the seal on his asshole.
I couldn’t help, but wonder how common this is? Does the Vatican have an instrument for measuring assholes? Maybe they do it like they do a pregnant woman: 0-3cms dilated and you’re safe? How would that work? I was tempted to call my friend again, but he’s in Asia, so I turned to the internet.
And there it was: The Anorectal Manometer. It does it all! Here is a link that explains all the cool shit (pun intended) this little machine can do. Who fucking knew, right?
I wonder if Father Torres knows about this? I’m tempted to send him the link. That way, if he finds himself on a plane to the Vatican, he can practice some butt puckers or something.
God speed and well wishes, Father Torres. Let us know how it comes out.