Alex Phelps: The Cats Have Powerz!
Shepherdsville, Kentucky – At the risk of rehashing a story that has already been overdone in the mainstream, I present to you today the alleged cat defiler Alex Phelps. For those of you who are new to the net, or have been searching in vain for a lost aeroplane in the dense jungles of Borneo (I swear it was right HERE!), Alex is the accused perpetrator of the horrific cat mutilations tied to the Craigslist classified ad website. It seems that the carved up carcasses of several kitties had appeared around Jefferson and Bullitt counties. A tip led police to Alex’s abode where they reportedly found the bodies of three tortured cats, and two others nearby. As news of this kind is all too common on the sites I routinely visit, it was met with a yawn and a meh as I got back to the business of massacring digital armies in my on-line game.
But then this story hit the webs! It transformed a ho-hum future serial killer story into something that excited my imagination and fired my ghoulish fascination with the bat-shit crazy! It turns out that Alex is not a sadistic would-be mass murderer. He is a researcher; a genius; a misunderstood explorer years ahead of his time, traversing the ragged edge of the promontory of Science!; and as such can be given a pass for behavior that our mere pedestrian minds find shockingly offensive.
According to details released from his police interview, Alex was delving into the hitherto unknown realms of Cat-Telepathy. Um…or Telekinesis, or televangelism. or tele-ho-hah – you get the idea. When first confronted with the crimes, he of course denied everything. He asserted that “There is no way I am capable of doing that,”. Of course we know that he was cleverly trying to protect his cutting edge research from the woefully inadequate understanding of mediocre-minded investigators.
But as the grilling continued, cracks formed in his defenses. And the following statement is the one that grabbed my attention: “If I done this, then I have been possessed by a spirit and or taken over by nanites or aliens and I have done it without my knowledge. Or my memory has been wiped because I’ve killed no cats.” Word dude! You should have asked to borrow my Custom-Crafted Aluminum-Foil Battle Helm. It’s a sure defense against both alien thought rays AND nanites (it interferes with their electro-magnetic steering mechanisms).
If you have jumped ahead and read the sourced article, you know he is still not divulging his secret knowledge. It takes a while for even the most skilled interrogators to wring the truth out of their subjects, but these guys had the perseverance and training to finally get to the truth.
Alex told investigators that he was interested in the medical field. He said “I wanna be famous for [being] the guy who cured this..the guy who fixed paralysis,” said Phelps. “That’s what I wanna do.”
As his story slowly cracked he told them that he didn’t have the bank to go to med school, but had been doing some amateur research on the cats. He revealed that he believed that cats can heal each other with their minds! This is just the kind of paradigm bending thought that got Einstein laughed at in his early years – and Al was just a patent clerk! You can see the obvious similarities. The mainstream cannot accept what it isn’t equipped to understand, and the result is the persecution of the true geniuses.
And Alex claims that he wasn’t cruel to the cats:
“What word would you use?,” said the detective.
“What do you mean?,” said Phelps.
“If it’s not torture or mutilating. What world would you use?,” said the detective.
“Dissecting,” said Phelps.
Phelps later said, “I severed the artery that went up to their brain. They pretty much died of asphyxiation.”
That’s kind of humane, right? He claims the animals didn’t even know they were dying. He cares about his test subjects after all.
If you have bought into any of this gibberish, consider this single fact – the coroner concluded that the cats died of multiple stab wounds. Yeah. Our future Alex Einstein here actually (allegedly) got all stabby with the kitties, to the direct contradiction of his statements. If we can’t believe him on that simple detail, can we believe any of his statement? Woe to my crushed dreams of kitty convos and feline healing techniques. Looks like we may have just another Jeff Dahmer in the making.
Alex Phelps is currently being held at Metro Corrections and is scheduled for court next on May 23