Auto Eroticism is Now Literal!

By: Deadmyron

Elmwood Place, Ohio: Whatever the hell Officer Ross Gilbert was expecting when he went on shift on August 17th, I’m certain it wasn’t what he experienced when he pulled over 36-year-old Colondra Hamilton for having illegally tinted windows. Ms. Hamilton, a Cincinnati resident had a very good reason for the heavily tinted windows. Gilbert found Colondra Hamilton sitting innocently in the car, pants unzipped, with a ‘sex toy’ sitting in her lap.

If nothing else, Colondra is a truthful person. She admitted to the officer that she had been masturbating with the sex toy, while watching a video as she drove down Township Avenue. Thankfully, Colondra had a navigator, presumably to keep an eye on the road for her. It’s probably a good thing, too, because the passenger was holding a laptop. It was playing the pornographic video for Colondra to enjoy while she ‘parted her hair’ (my colloquialism) with the sex toy.

The sex of the passenger was not revealed, which I assume meant they weren’t charged with a crime. I guess in Ohio, there is no charge for accessory to masturbation. It takes all kinds, as they say, but I can’t help but ask a few questions at this juncture. Why in a car? To me, that’s just a tad on the dangerous side. I would think it is dangerous enough just driving a car. Perhaps it was some very fucking twisted version of the childhood game, “Red light, green light”. Perhaps nobody would fuck her and this is a close as she was ever going to get. I would buy that one, myself. Ah, but offenders have the luxury of not explaining the “Whys”, but only addressing the charges against them. Unfortunately, we will probably never know. It is well known that multitasking while driving is a dangerous practice. Colondra and friend would love to turn it into an extreme sport.  I would have loved to have heard the conversation that ensued:

Passenger: Ah, GodDAMN! A cop just lit us up!

Colondra: What?!

Passenger: A cop! He’s right behind us.

Colondra: Shit! I’m almost there, too.

Passenger: Just slow down until you’re  finished.

Colondra: Nah. The fucker might get pissed off and taze my twat. I better pull over.

Passenger: Alright, gimme my twenty bucks NOW!

Colondra: Be cool, here he comes. You know I’ll pay you. Is there a problem, officer?

Officer Gilbert: May I see your license and registration, please. Umm, AFTER you wash your hands.

Colondra: What’s the problem?

Officer Gilbert: I was about to ask you the same question. I smell the strong odor of fish. Have you been to Long John Silver’s?

Colondra: No sir.

Officer Gilbert: Would you care to explain what you are doing with a wet sex toy in your lap?

Colondra: I’ll tell you everything. Just don’t tase my pussy, bro.

Passenger: Ah, shit. My dad is a preacher.

Colondra: Nobody will fuck me, officer.

And so ends the saga of Colondra Hamilton and the great vibrator incident. Officer Gilbert charged Colondra with ‘impaired alertness’ and after a quick dig through her purse, (who says cops aren’t brave?) she was also charged with possession of drug paraphernalia for possession of a broken piece of a crack pipe. Colondra got a free trip to the police station and a free portrait. Word has it she also suggested a shot of the offending orifice, but was turned down.

The silver lining? Everyone got to go home with an exciting story to tell. No one was hurt, and Colondra and Officer Gilbert will meet again and talk over old times at her arraignment at the Hamilton County Courthouse sometime in the near future. Good luck, Colandra. Godspeed.

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