True Crime Exposure

Byron Jordan Was Only Horsing Around

By ThinkGoat

Covington, Georgia is a town of around 12,000 – the Newton County seat. According to the 2000 census (man will I be glad when all that shit is updated – a lot can change in ten years but let’s assume things are basically as the statistics state they are): Covington is made up of 51% white, 45% black, 40% married couples living together, 23% female head-of-household with no husband present, 31.8% “non-family” households. Those numbers add up to this: not a whole hell of a lot of “action” in the partner market. The women far out-numbered the men in Covington back in 2000, for every 100 women, there were 88.5 men. I’m perplexed. How the fuck is there .5 of a man? Did someone test positive for the “Y” chromosome but lacked the physical male attributes? Let’s hope Mr. .5 was still around during this census because I think I just found someone who’ll partner up with him to round that number down – that is if the owner of the horse farm ever catches him near his pasture again.

Early Tuesday morning, a neighbor lady looked out of her window and saw a sight you just don’t see all that often: a black man tending to the horses in his dirty pajama bottoms. Usually a farmhand dresses a bit more appropriately – work pants, tee-shirt, boots. And when I say “tending to the horses” I don’t exactly mean feeding, watering, cleaning up the horse shit. I mean screwing. Penetration. More than one. No wonder Byron Jordon had to look elsewhere for love – he’s not a very loyal man.

The lady quickly summoned her husband who quickly came to the conclusion 37-year-old Byron Jordan shouldn’t be copulating with the livestock so he did what any conscientious neighbor would do…called the police. Well actually, he would have called the police had he thought they’d actually believe him. And I understand that concern. It’s not often (enough) you get a phone call like that: “911. What’s your emergency?” “Some dude looks like he is fucking my neighbor’s horse.” “Sir, can you describe what you’re seeing?” “It’s gross, but I’ll try. I’m standing here looking out my kitchen window and some nasty fucker is behind this horse real close-like, moving his pelvic area around like he’s got fire ants in his pants or something. Only he looks like he’s enjoying it. The horse doesn’t seem to have the same opinion about the ordeal.” God, I wish I could receive a phone call like that. But instead of phoning the police, the neighbor called the owner and of course the owner went rushing to the pasture to catch Byron in the act. And he did.

Supposing the owner yelled something to get Byron’s attention (and more than likely startled the horse), the crazy fucker quickly mounted and started fucking horse number two. Now, this is the part of the story the local source didn’t delve into very well. This idiot actually had time to start screwing a 2nd horse? Was it when the owner started charging Byron that he quickly pulled out and thrust himself onto the 3rd horse and started his gyrations all over again? What was with the delay? And just how long can this nasty fucker keep a hard-on? Jesus.

The owner physically pulled Byron Jordan off the 3rd horse’s back and escorted out of the corral as they waited for the police to respond. You know, I’ve always imagined these guys standing on a crate or something to be able to reach that appealing asshole but I’ve never really considered them climbing upon the horse bareback and shit and experiencing the ride of their life. Actually, that’s got to be some talent if the horse starts to gallop, hanging on for dear life and fucking it at the same time. Quite amazing if you think about it. (Note: do NOT try this – could cause physical injury, mental impairment, and if caught, jail time)

Upon arrest, police stated Jordan was wearing filthy pajama bottoms with an opened fly and he smelled to high-heaven. Oh, I’m sure he did. Byron Jordan was charged with bestiality and giving a false name to an officer. He received a $3500 bond and some dumb-ass bailed him out. If convicted, he could be sentenced anywhere from one to five years for horsing around.

Source

Email ThinkGoat:  thinkgoat2@gmail.com

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10 responses

  1. Another interesting side note about Covington, they filmed “In The Heat of the Night”, “My Cousin Vinny”, “The Dukes of Hazzard”, “Friday the 13th VI”, “The Vampire Diaries” (and a couple of others) have all been filmed there.

    Back to the topic: Men – What in God’s name makes a horse’s ass (that’s surrounded by flies and a tail swishing furiously to remove them) so appealing you say, “I wanna tap that…”

    June 26, 2010 at 4:50 pm

  2. crtial_rn

    A horse is a horse Of course of course
    And no one can talk to a horse, Of course
    That is, of course Unless the horse
    Is the famous Mister Ed!
    Go right to the source And ask the horse
    He’ll give you the answer that you’ll endorse
    He’s always on a steady course of course
    Talk to Mister Ed!
    People yakkity-yak a streak
    And waste your time of day
    But Mister Ed will never speak
    Unless he has something to say!
    Oh, a horse is a horse Of course, of course
    And this one’ll talk ’til his voice is hoarse
    You never heard of a talking horse?
    Well, listen to this: “I am Mister Ed.”

    I think it would be safe to say, that Byron obviously had a fucked up childhood. I wonder if when a horse is sodimized and the unwanted lover is captured, if the horse has to go down and do a lineup? Does the “horse whisperer” have to pay for counseling? Then there is the saying that I’m sure most everyone has heard, “Once you go black you never go back. I wonder if that holds true in this situationxc q

    June 27, 2010 at 6:34 am

  3. Lazlo

    Um, TG? Men are not the only ones with a proclivity to horses. Catherine the Great is the first example that comes to my mind with absolutely no effort or research (the way most of my opinions are formed.) I think men are caught more because they are just so stupid about the things they do, while women have minds bred for guile and intrigue. It’s a classic case of skewed perception forming biased opinion. We all know you ladies are just as dirty when you want to be – God love you ;)

    June 27, 2010 at 12:08 pm

  4. Lazlo, while I agree – there are some women who truly love getting it on with a horse, dog, pig, (you remember Dovie Kerner) – they’re always the “fuck-ee” and never the “fuck-er”.

    I think, if you go back and read – the question posed was: “Men – What in God’s name makes a horse’s ass (that’s surrounded by flies and a tail swishing furiously to remove them) so appealing you say, “I wanna tap that…” Now, having a somewhat firm grasp on anatomy, I don’t see how that question is a “skewed perception” formed on “biased opinion”. Women (by in large) lack a dick. Known fact. I could source that information if you need it. (I know there are numerous articles and even pictures with diagrams)

    Now had this article been about Byron being the one getting fucked in the ass by a horse…well…of course I would not have left out the women who find this incredibly sexy and a major turn-on. But this story is about some dude who shimmied his way onto the back of a horse, fly open, dick out. I’ve not seen one documented case (nor arrest) where a single woman has done this. (even with a strap-on). So if you can provide ME with documentation, I’ll be waiting. Until then, save your rants on gender equality for a time where it’s applicable!

    This story didn’t hit upon one of your nerves, did it Laz? null

    June 27, 2010 at 12:45 pm

  5. Lazlo

    TG – thank you for graciously, and without a trace of sarcasm, elucidating the precise nature of your question. I was guilty of over generalizing. And the point – as you have so eloquently defined it – of men actually being the penetrator in these situations stands alone without the diagrams (however, if you could e-mail those to me it would be greatly appreciated. Research, you know). Although I have no doubt in my vacuous head that somewhere, sometime, some chick has had the idea of strapping on a mega-max drilling machine and applying that to a horse, I admit that those women are understandably in a rather small niche market.

    To answer your question, as further defined: I have no fucking idea! These bastards defy my imagination. (And that is saying something.) As a young boy there was always plenty of advice from the older guys on acceptable substitutes for actual pussy. And being that we had not even seen one yet, these substitutes seemed reasonable – A watermelon with a hole drilled in it, a knothole in an elm tree, drawing a face on your knuckles and calling your hand sally – but the only real substitute, as any well read, respectable pervert knows, is a sheep or goat. No buckets to stand on, and numerous ways to enhance your pleasure (facing them up to a cliff is my favorite – they will push back to avoid going over the edge.) Horses? No fucking way. People get killed by horse kicks!

    June 27, 2010 at 1:20 pm

  6. That’s all I needed, Lazlo. However an “I was wrong” would have done just fine. (I know, I know. Men don’t say that shit)

    And it sounds like you’re a country boy at heart. I hope you’re still able to exercise the advice the older guys gave you…that there are plenty of holey trees, fruit, permanent magic markers, and small livestock around where you live. Might I suggest finding one (or several) today to get rid of any pent-up frustrations you might have?! (stay away from the goats – they’ve got attitude) ;)

    Do me a favor, do some field research on what makes a horses’s ass so attractive. Surely you’ve got some buddies who’ll lend their experiences. In detail. And look for your email – I’ll have the retards draw pictures for you during my community service/volunteer work at the mental hospital today. They’ll be great!

    June 27, 2010 at 1:33 pm

  7. Lazlo

    Oh, I have something in mind, alright ;)

    The male of the species pisses on its beard (sounds like some humans I know: or in tents: I get confused) but the female has wonderful eyes you can get lost in; the hard part is cutting them from the herd. And never confuse them for dumb animals – These critters have out-thought you before you’re even aware there is a problem. The only way you can catch them is if they are chasing you.

    June 27, 2010 at 1:46 pm

  8. Krammmer

    That emoticon was taken from a real life video of me fucking my dog. It was taken a couple of years ago on my birthday right before I went to jail. Not for fucking the dog. It was one of those blow up jobs and real fucking funny according to my friends because the shit popped. Right after I got attached to him. There is a lesson there. Wet your dick before you go putting it in cheap plastic “fill in the blank”. I went to jail for mistaken identity. That shit happens all the time. I’m with Lazlo. The cliff trick is tried and true with small animals. Big shit’ll fuck your ass up. Figuratively and literally. [fucking took me 3 times to spell that shit. How close do you have to be for spellcheck to kick the fuck in?]

    June 29, 2010 at 2:20 am

  9. shelly

    Thats funny, he can keep his hardon after being yelled at, my husband looses his if the damn phone rings;)

    July 1, 2010 at 6:28 pm

  10. Hilda

    Do any of you have horses? That is just not feasible, seriously it is a funny story – but impossible.

    August 6, 2012 at 7:37 am

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