Brian Horst Loses His Shit
Dayton, Ohio You just don’t know about some people. What drives their thinking? Are they thinking at all? Today’s story involves a guy that is the poster boy for the above questions. Meet Brian Horst. Mr. Horst started his morning off with a bit of vandalism that cumulated in a stolen steel cylinder, stolen packages of meat, some stolen Mad Dog 20/20, and a busted up ATM. It’s one of those incidents that have to leave the cops shaking their heads and laughing, looking forward to the tales they can tell down the road about this idiot, knowing full well that the rookie hearing the story will wonder in the back of his mind if he is being put on.
The exact sequence of events was put together later, after the suspect had been booked on a couple counts of petty theft. Brian’s alleged frolic began at about 5:30 on Saturday morning when he was caught on camera riding up to an ATM on his bike. The footage reportedly shows him fumbling with is wallet, talking, and then yelling at the machine. He not only yells at it, he gets in its face. The video shows Horst literally pressing his face against the machine while ranting several times. When the machine failed to respond in an acceptable fashion (did he think there was a small bank lady in there?), Horst then walks away, is shown making a pitching motion towards the machine, then riding away. The credit-union reported the machine, damaged by a baseball sized rock, later that morning.
Police were drawn to Mr. Horst on a completely unrelated matter about a half hour later, when he was seen rolling a steel CO2 tank down the road. When questioned, Brian said he didn’t steal the tank, but that it was just lying around, like trash. Upon investigation, officers discovered a trail of dropped meat packages, and a jug of that favorite of gutter snipes everywhere – Mad Dog 20/20 wine. Orange Flavored. Gak!
Horst explained that someone had bought the items for him with food stamps. (You can’t buy booze with food stamps.) He was taken into custody and booked. It was discovered later that Mr. Horst was also responsible for the bashed in screen on the ATM. He was charged with petty theft and criminal trespass, and was held in jail pending arraignment.
So this is the way I picture it all going down for Mr. Horst. He woke up that morning with a plan of a cook-out. He rode down to the ATM to make his vision a reality. But Damnit! He didn’t have an ATM card. And it was that damn machines fault!. He bashed it with a rock, then decided that no cash was not a reason to abandon his ambitious plans. Hell, the Kroger never watches the doors. He just slid in all Pink Panther like, and stuffed some steaks down his shirt. Oh! and better have that MD 20/20 too! Now that’s livin’ !
He’s just about to take his haul back home, when he spies that CO2 cylinder behind the restaurant. “Hey bitch, it wasn’t locked up! That means it’s free!! A guy can get a fat $5 for recycling that shit.” But now he has a quandary. He can’t keep the meat and booze in his shirt AND steal the cylinder. But being a moron, he tries anyway, and winds up spilling his booty and getting busted by the cops. And it’s all the fault of that uppity bitch inside the ATM. Some days it just doesn’t pay to get out of bed.