True Crime Exposure

Things Get a Little Too Hot For Jonathan Allen

By Deadmyron

Brookline, Ma. According to Brookline Police, Jon Allen has been a very naughty man.  In fact, on two different occasions, Jon has been accused of driving without pants and exposing Little Jon to innocent pedestrians.  In one case, it is alleged that he was masturbating.  Apparently Jon’s favorite targets were little kiddies and their mothers.  Jon has another problem, however, that is not quite a visible as his little playmate:  Jon can not tell a lie for shit!  I hate people like that!

Police had enough evidence to arrest Jon on the two aforementioned crimes he allegedly committed, but they are wondering if perhaps he is responsible for other reports of lewd behavior around local schools over the past few months.  During Jon’s arrest, his Honda Civic was searched and some notable items were confiscated.  A pair of binoculars, which makes me wonder just how little is Little Jon?  A few female nudie pictures, a brown skirt, and a pair of panty hose with the crotch cut out.  The latter being the most intriguing to me.

Jon was quick to explain that it was all just a big misunderstanding.  You see, poor Jon works in a refrigerated building all day.  He finds it most uncomfortable to leave work and climb in his baking hot car.  In order to keep Little Jon nice and cool, he would drive naked from the waist down.  And hey, John wasn’t pounding the old pud, he was simply covering up while he changed pants.  That is Jon’s story and he’s sticking to it.

As a man, I find it very uncomfortable to have my junk get all cold.  Things have a tendency to escape toward the warmer climes of my torso.   I don’t think I’m much different (physically) than most men and that’s why I have a little trouble accepting Jon’s story.  Still, Jon repeated the story to WHDH TV reporters when asked.  Sadly, Jon did refuse to answer questions about the other interesting articles found in his vehicle.  He turned away from the camera and went inside his house.

When Jon’s lovely and faithful wife met the reporters at the door, she provided the excuse that Jon lacked:  “I’m a woman,” Mrs. Allen told the reporter.  “I know a skirt is a heck of a lot- h-h-h- a lot cooler than a tight pair of pants on a hot day.”  Well said, Mrs. Allen.  Well said.

I personally don’t give a fuck one way or another about the binoculars, or nudie pictures, but I am dying to hear the reason for the crotchless panty hose.  Perhaps the answer lies with the little Missus.  That really bugs me.  The police are more interested in the prior incidents at the local schools and they’re looking at Jon as a possible suspect.

If Jon had thought up some better lies… for instance:  “Well officer, I dropped a cigarette butt in my lap, what would you do?”  Or maybe,  “I wasn’t masturbating, Officer.  I was using my pee hole to lip synch with the song on the radio.”  Perhaps I would buy that, but come on…”my dick is hot?”

I understand that under U.S. law, a person is innocent until otherwise proven.  But, with these lousy lies he’s spouting, it’s pretty hard to remain unbiased.  If Jon is found guilty, then I would be pretty convinced that he is good for the past crimes no one has been charged with.  Either that, or there is a fuckload of refrigerated buildings in the Brookline area.  That’s what I’m thinking.

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14 responses

  1. “I wasn’t masturbating, Officer. I was using my pee hole to lip synch with the song on the radio.” Perhaps I would buy that, but come on…”my dick is hot?”

    LMFAO! That was totally unexpected! And fucking awesome! I wonder how many times I’ll re-read that particular excuse and scare the farm animals with my laughter. (Deadmyron, you don’t happen to have any video taped demonstrations of that do you? Maybe to Journey’s Lovin’ Touchin’ Squeezin’…)

    Thanks for a most excellent introductory piece!

    May 19, 2010 at 12:25 am

  2. deadmyron

    I once did the entire Jesus Christ Superstar album “pee hole synching”…it was amazing! I’ll work on the Journey song. The toughest songs are like John Mellencamp and Bob Seger. Have you noticed those fuckers BOTH cram as many lyrics as they can fit into one line? I once did “Small Town” by Mellencamp at Red Rocks. I nailed it, but my pee hole bled a little.

    May 19, 2010 at 12:37 am

  3. Jesus, I had no idea you possessed that much talent. Maybe, since I now know how fully you’re into this gig, we can substitute Journey for a little Black-Eyed Peas or something.

    So let me get this right…Mrs. Allen actually revealed that her husband sometimes dons a skirt…and it’s cool with her? (no pun intended..) And the pantyhose – do you think he’s smarter than a lot of women? I mean, on a hot day peeling those fuckers down to pee of masturbate is one thing but try pulling them back up in a rush while you’re trying not to get caught. Why not cut an access panel??

    They have an awesome relationship…or do you think he’s wearing a hat to hide the lumps she gave him when he got home…

    May 19, 2010 at 12:48 am

  4. deadmyron

    I really want to know how this all fits together. I can understand not wanting to get your fellas all sweaty, but wouldn’t it be hotter setting them down on a car seat that has baked in the sun all day?

    I think Jon is probably culpable for the unsolved instances as well, which would bring his excuse into question. It wasn’t too hot six fucking months ago, I’m thinkin’.

    Listen: My theory on the Missus may seem a bit iffy, but if I may site an example. If you don’t remember Bernice Bowen, she was this silly bitch that did everything she could the throw the police off the trail of her common-law husband, even after he blew her kid’s head off with an assault rifle. He always carried a hand cuff key with him everywhere he went. When he was arrested, he freed himself, killed the two detectives and later a Florida State Trooper. All because she was so fucking ugly that she knew if she lost her man, there would be no more.

    It’s all too common for a woman with self esteem issues to protect their husbands from the law. In Mrs. Allen’s case, she stands to lose her husband and her brother simultaneously. That’s kinda what I’m thinkin’.

    May 19, 2010 at 1:20 am

  5. Lazlo

    Bare fellas on a hot vinyl seat? Jesus Christ! This dude is more hard core than just a bit of flashing/bopping!

    May 19, 2010 at 6:50 am

  6. Krammmer

    I think I saw you practicing in the pisser one time. At the time you caught me by surprise it was a bit disturbing and inspirational. As soon as I sobered up enough I had some prick drive me to hobby lobby and I got those stick on wobbly eyes. I suck at singing dude but I am working on a ventriloquist act. I practiced on a couple of illegal kids in my hood but I do not think they got what I was saying. My material was funny as fuck but my “dummy” got sick and the “vomit” soaked through the glue on one eye and it fell off. Fucking brats took off screamin and cryin. Cost me 10 bucks to get them to shut the fuck up and not whine to mom. I am going to use super glue next time. You guys are a killer writing crew.

    May 19, 2010 at 10:16 am

  7. Lazlo

    That’s what my maid’s daughter meant when she said “Willy sneezed and his eye fell out!” LMFAO – at least that’s what I think she said. Who can understand some of that tex-mex gibberish?

    May 19, 2010 at 12:22 pm

  8. Jonathan Allen – Brookline, MA – Honda Civic Hybrid Gen. 2
    “My 2006 Civic has averaged from 45 mpg in winter driving to 75 mpg in summer driving.”

    “My 2006 Civic has averaged from 45 mpg in winter to 75 mpg in summer driving from Boston to Framingham (20 miles) stop-n-go all the way! I was gleefully car-free, but now I can at least sit peacefully at stoplights, since the car makes no sound when stopped and uses just a flick of current to re-start itself. I love it.”

    http://go.ucsusa.org/hybridcenter/whosgot.cfm?OwnerID=640&S=MA&M=&page=3

    LMFAO. Seems the idiot wasn’t completely honest in his hybrid civic review. He mentions NOTHING about the uncomfortable riding temperature for his dick!

    May 20, 2010 at 10:46 am

  9. deadmyron

    Good find TG!

    May 20, 2010 at 3:07 pm

  10. Karrie

    Wow. There is no hiding anything from you TG! I’m surprised he didn’t note that the air conditioner vents don’t aim low enough to cool his dick!

    May 21, 2010 at 11:16 am

  11. lazlo45

    Deadmyron! You unholy bastard!! I just tried your peehole synching. Now it’s gone to sleep and won’t wake up!! I think it’s pouting 0_o

    It also hurts like hell to pee. I think I might have broken something.

    May 21, 2010 at 11:16 pm

  12. Miss Bella

    I love Tom Petty & The Heartbreaks. A little American Girl would be niiice :) lol

    May 22, 2010 at 8:42 am

  13. Oh yeah! Maybe if we sweet-talk DM – he’ll do a concert for Crime Crawlers – or at least a nice medley. You know, hit a few lines from all our favorites before he starts bleeding – the cool part of Bohemian Rhapsody would somehow sound fucked up he the blood started making him gurgle a little. Maybe Lazlo could do some back-up vocals – that is if he works out the issues he’s having… :D

    May 22, 2010 at 9:42 am

  14. deadmyron

    You can’t just start synching like a fuckin’ auctioneer, Laz. You have to eeeease into it like a hot tub of water. Maybe…Braham’s Lullaby. That pee hurting thing will go away in a couple of days…no grapefruit juice.

    May 25, 2010 at 2:01 am

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