This Poor Chinese Man Woke Up Feeling Very Very Eel
China Drunken shenanigans, there’s nothing funnier or if you’re the unfortunate one who’s passed out around a bunch of drunken buddies, nothing more embarrassing. I will admit, at my age I no longer giggle my ass off at YouTube videos that show our future leaders of this fine country taking permanent magic markers and drawling all over their passed-out buddy’s face. I have seen a few clever ones though – a group of guys loading their pal upon a blow-up raft and setting sail toward a fountain in the middle of a condo community pond. Even with the risk of that poor kid sucking in a mouthful of water. (his buddies were at the ready). But Americans lack the truly clever pranks like those played out in China. Those fuckers don’t waste time doing silly stuff. Nope. They resort to sending live shit up the ass of their friends.
Imagine coming to after a night’s drunk – having severe abdominal pain, dehydration, and profusely bleeding out your ass. Don’t know about you, but I’d be going through a quick mental checklist as I was completely freaking the hell out. ‘Jesus Christ. What the fuck happened to my ass?‘
A 59-year-old Chinese chef awoke from his drunken stupor displaying those exact symptoms and was admitted to Sichuan hospital with signs of shock. Haha. And although it was the medical form of shock, I’m pretty damn sure it didn’t compare to the mental form of shock he experienced after learning what had caused his butt to gush blood.
Doctors, being completely mystified, obtained the family’s permission to perform an exploratory laparotomy and upon opening the guy up and peering into his innards, they found the culprit. A 50cm (19.7 inch) eel. In his ass. Now dead. But not before it ate its way through his bowels.
Quandary: how did that damn thing get up there? The patient recalls eating eel that day – you know, finding out doctors pulled close to a 2 foot “intact” eel from your ass, one would begin to question whether it was some mutant eel that was able to piece itself back together after it had been chewed up and digested. All kinds of possibilities would run through your head. But I doubt very seriously he would have reached this conclusion on his own: his friends shoved a live one up there when he was snoozing. They finally confessed.
The 59-year-old chef died from sepsis. Just goes to show you, it’s all fun and games until someone shoves a live eel in your brown eye.
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